Wednesday, May 30, 2012

WIWW the inaguration (#1)

I've kept an eye on these fashionable ladies post their Wednesday threads for sometime now, always tossing around the idea of posting my Wednesday wear, but the uniform regulations and the long shifts have shot that idea down until recently.  My on-again off-again Wednesday schedule leaves me with no excuses than to look cute at least once a week.  Everything in me refused to drag out the big girl camera for pictures and I didn't feel compelled to ask the neighbor or train the dog to take a picture of me, so this little conglomeration is the best I can do for this first week. 

It's a super casual, super comfy, super breezy kind of Wednesday.  I think somewhere there are some rules about wearing white pants, right?  Either way, I bought these shorts on clearance at ON few years back - you know, it was in that "when I loose a few pounds" drawer.  Well, I lost a few lbs and I pulled these white shorts over my slightly slimmer booty to go along with my ON (of course) off the shoulder black breezy shirt.  I tell ya, this off the shoulder thing is pretty liberating and dare I say just damn sexy...I'm loving this trend that's taken over for the last couple of years. Plus, why have these girly flowery tattoos if they can't peek out and say hi to the world when the weather allows? It's an easy, breezy, Summer, backyard, BBQ kind of outfit and I love it. 
Shirt: Old Navy
Shorts: Old Navy 
Necklace: Mark. 
Shoes: Roxy

PS - I promise better pictures next time 

pleated poppy

Monday, May 28, 2012

Free Fallin'

This song...an open road...an open itinerary...a warm breeze...great company...moonlight or a sunset...

It's not too much for a girl to ask, is it?

I wanna free fall, out into nothin'
Gonna leave this, world for a while

Saturday, May 26, 2012

in 10 years...

Gemini


5/21 – 6/21

Overview for May 26, 2012

A recent email from a former coworker or a casual acquaintance has got you thinking hard about where you're going to take your life next. Are you interested in a big challenge or a small one? Your future will definitely be on your mind today, although there is no need to nail down any particular plan of action. This is a good time to do some research and explore your options. Have fun thinking about where you might be in ten years.


p.s.  Universe, I think about where I might be in 10 years ALL the time.  ALL the time!

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Writing on the Wall


There was a time when you were proud

You looked up to me with big eyes...

And I could do no wrong

There's something inside, that's clearly tearing

Both of us apart

Ooh ooh there's something inside



I wonder where you are tonight

And what you did with your day...

Can't find the words to say

Did you feel the sun?

Did you feel the warmness of my heart?

Ooh ooh did you feel at all?


Chorus:

They say if you love someone

You gotta let them go

And if they return to you

That's surely how you'll know

Ooh ooh, I can read the writing on the wall

Ooh ooh, but I can't let go


I'm hopelessly aware

Of the good and bad traits we share

It's like looking at myself

And I know that at times

I could've handled things differently

Ooh ooh, but know my intentions were well


Sunday, May 20, 2012

my Jiminy

Being an official conscience, Jiminy is rather wise and optimistic. He can be a bit aggressive when upset, but means well. He is not only Pinocchio's conscience but also his best friend, a relationship he treasures apparently. The two spend much of their time together to the point that Jiminy feels insulted and rejected when Pinocchio briefly called Lampwick his best friend. When first introduced, Jiminy was shown to be rather wise-cracking and humorous, often making jokes to amuse himself. Prior to meeting Pinocchio, Jiminy was sort of a realist, not believing in fairy tales and wishes. Of course, after the adventure with him and the little wooden boy, Jiminy's view of the world changed greatly. The cricket holds an obvious crush on The Blue Fairy. He often gets dumbfounded upon the mere sight of her. In spite of his naturally diminutive states, Jiminy shows no fear in facing enemies thrice his size as seen when he tried to get Pinocchio away from Honest John and Gideon and when he wanted to scuffle with Lampwick.  (source)


"Jiminy"

It is one of my most cherished nicknames
I gie her the advice she needs

but not always the advice she wants

I know her demons, her fears, and her unspoken dreams

She makes me crazy

She's too much to handle at times

But under neath it all, I know that genunie and has a good heart

She is reckless with words sometimes

She's a spinning top at other times

She is always there when I need her

She listens to me too

She serves a purpose in my life just like I do in hers

There are no "tabs" kept between us
I know that I'm one of the few people she comes to when something goes wrong, no mater the time of day or night

Saturday, May 19, 2012

love with your heart

Love with your heart, not your eyes.

Thank you Catie for everything you taught me.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Follow Your Heart

I'm not one for letting the cosmos dictate the course of my life, but I read them now and then and sometimes they echo what is happening in my head and my heart:

Gemini Daily Extended Horoscope for May 17, 2012
Your goals, your wishes and your hopes are your own -- you cannot let them be defined by pressures from other people, especially your boss. If you aren't hungry for that corner office, then why pretend that you are? The extra effort will only make you miserable, and there will be no payoff at the end. Remind yourself why you chose the path you chose, and stop focusing so much on a dollar figure. Happiness has nothing to do with a paycheck. It has to do with following your heart.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

suffocating

im suffocating
im suffocating
im suffocating
i was looking up jobs thousands of miles away
stewardess
air traffic controller
dispatcher in another state (uuuuhhh ground hog's day!)
the price of real estate in the middle of the country
top 10 happiest cities in America
is this a new quest for me?
no
NO!
i find myself stumbled upon Internet searches like this all the time
have been for years

tonight i quizzed my co workers about what i needed to change in my life
"i need a brand new life!" i demanded after their suggestions didn't spark anything in me
what keeps me here?
reading all those old blogs, texts, emails for the last 5 weeks
side note: STOP doing that, STOP living in the past!
unless you're finally going to do something about it
i see the messages written throughout, in between the lines
you can always come back home
my friends did.  now we're not friends anymore
travelling all the time...why?  to get away. 
always, always, always getting away - i lived on planes, i thrived in temporary, new environments
it made me happy, got me moving, out of bed in the morning
but i always came back home again.
it wasn't all bad.  home is always home
but it is just a dot on the map
i know this, i'm not sheltered, i'm not naieve to the diversity of this rock we live on
i can't say i've lived in someone else's shoes, but i have tried to learn about where they call home, how they got there, what keeps them, what makes their part of the world go round
i find myself on the side of the road often looking at trail markers, the off-the-beaten path places looking for the the stories that the hardcore tourists just don't find exciting
then i use where i call home as a reference point
for good
for bad
for indifferent

why did they leave? my former friends
for love, for marriage, for a man who needed to have his career or his family come first
it failed, they lost themselves, they never redefined
i can't do this for anyone else
i have to do it for me
fear
fear of the unknown keeps me here
i got that advice, from a good friend, no scratch that a great friend
good, solid advice
it didn't go unnoticed
it didn't fall on deaf ears
but there was timing for it to be heard at the right time
timing
its all about timing
i hear it, i heard it all along, i just didn't have the will to take it to heart
i.can't.stay.in.this.place
"spread your wings and fly"
"you're qualified"
"i believe in ya"
omg...
he's been my jiminy cricket hasn't he?
he's been one of my best friends and i never knew it until i thought he was gone for good
i don't think he even knew how valuable he was for me
scratch that too, IS for me
hindsight, it's a tricky, tricky thing
the thing that i need the most is the thing that i kind of fear the most
complete and utter change
to be uprooted
i think this about myself every time i plant a new plant
root shock
we're not meant to live in small pots for the rest of our lives
roots smashed into submission at the bottom of a pot dying to break free
plant them in the right soil, give them the basics - water and sunshine and they will thrive
my sister wants to move to san diego, my brother has talked about moving out of state for years
so have i - here, and here, and here, and here, and here
the sandbag that kept me tied down for so long is gone and it's good
my attachments to this place i've called home for so long are fading away more and more every day

if someone asked me to close my eyes and imagine the life that i want and not the life i have now, i know what it looks like
i think it would shock many to know what my dream life consisted of
the ones who really know me would barely bat an eyelash
my unassuming jiminy...he asked me what the major items on my bucket list were
i glossed over them
i gave him the watered down version of it
i don't know why
he says that nothing i say to him will change what he thinks of me
in a good way
but still...i didn't say them
why?
am i afraid that if i say them, i'll get judged for them
i'll get judged for not having them yet
how about if i say them out loud?
will they not come true?
???
yeah that's a ridculous thought both  in my head and in writing

i want to be a wife
i want to be a mom
i want to be a photographer
i want to be a writer
i want to live somewhere where my neighbors are at least "down the road" and not all around me
i wanna pack lunches in the morning
i wanna make cupcakes at night
i wanna constantly trying to be finding the balance between my marriage, my children, and a few spare moments to myself
guess what?
all this chaos that i've been living in, the people i've cared for and carried, the work, the stress, 911, tactical pants and notepads out of the trunk of my car in a parking lot in the middle of the night, every ounce and detail of charity fundraisers, rushing, making deadlines, catching flights, missing flights, never stopping long enough to let my suitcase wheels stop spinning, burning the candle at both ends, overtime, overtime, overtime...there's a reason why i was good and am good at handling all these things for all these years
i could do all of those things that i really, really want and i could make them all work
not perfectly, not seamlessly, but damn close
this i do know about myself

i dont want a career anymore
i dont want to pick up the phone and have someone scream at me
i dont want to have to tell someone how to raise their child, fend for their life, or have a shred of common sense
i put in my time
i sacrificed for the public, for my neighbors, for my friends, for my co workers, for those who were in the trenches with me
there is honor in the service, in the years, in the effort and naivety it took to start this job so selflessly as a child myself
i am proud of it
i am still good at it
but it's not what makes me happy, gets me out of bed in the morning, or keeps me going
it's simply what pays my bills

im not being ungrateful
i'm sick of just getting by and paying the bills though
like i was saying the other day
"i feel like i'm right on the verge of change, something really big, something noticeable, something that i can't quite grasp, but that i've been needing and wanting.  i'm sick of being patient, but i know i can't rush things.  it's right there around the corner, i can just feel it."

i can just feel it...in that tiny space in my heart where the doubts cant creep in like weeds
my patience gets thin but then i close my eyes and let the tears wash the doubt away
its right there
i know it is

and i know that i have to push "publish" on this blog right NOW
or i'll find another reason not to and i just can't afford to do that anymore

hawt!

I just simply love this picture.  I think we look hawt!  Great date, great night, great memories. I have to keep posting these so when the list starts to overflow with all the things that I don't have, still want, or things I think I'll never become, I can remember that I have a lot of good things in my life.  Like a best friend who will sneak booze into a wedding with me and go bang on the door of the local taqueria until the smiling owner comes out to compliment us on our dresses.  We are just that kind of classy!!!

PS...I don't say this often about myself, but I really like how I look in this picture from head to toe.  The hard work is paying off.  I made it a bucket list item to look better at 30, 35, 40 than I had ever looked before.  I'm getting it done. It makes me proud to be me and those are moments I should always be proud to share.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

burn brightly

I've had a train of connected thoughts for the last two nights:

thinking that life...its like a flame flickering...
a beautiful girl with a contagious smile and a sweet spirit was like a burning candle
burning fragile, swaying with the wind, being blown with the breeze, but still burning steadfast, fueled by love, enough that despite the hard gust of a disease that tried to extinguish her in so many ways, she was able to carry on  for so long

now it feels like it's gone dark...

all black

but then...I think not to dwell on what is gone now but what was there all along
despite the darkness of the disease that tried to define her, she brought a Light into an existence that was both short and long in its life

there was warmth
there was a constant glow
and it was, undoubtedly, a constant
her presence alone was a guide and a reminder
she was innocence, joy, gentle calm
being around her was a reminder about the duality of life
the strength of the human spirit overcoming the weakness of the human body

there are no words to take away the hurt and the pain but still I find myself looking for something to say that will bring comfort to the family that she leaves behind

what could I possibly say?

another string of thoughts came to me as I stared into my work screen, silently with my back to my partners and the phones, streams of tears sliding down my cheeks

it came to me that for all these years, through blindness, through loss of mobility, through incomprehensible speech, you all watched over her, cared for her, saw what she couldn’t see, guided her, carried her,  lifted her, held her up...


now it's her turn

what she couldn't do for herself, she can now do for all from Above

she is watching over you all, all of you, all at once, every where you go, through new, clear eyes, guiding you, carrying you, comforting you, holding you up

she is every where around you

she will never be gone

she is part of you

her light still burns brightly
it will never be extinguished

...it burns now inside each of you

call it pain, grief, loss, anger, hurt

call it love

that feeling in your chest, in the pit of your stomach

that constant feeling, is her spirit still burning inside each you

a quote on grief jumped out off the page at me, from a woman who became impaired as a young child, lost was her speech and her sight, but not her ability to effect the world around, to inspire and to leave a lasting legacy

What we have once enjoyed deeply we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.
- Helen Keller

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Do You Feel Me?


...and then...you're sitting there...dirty from gardening, blogging about yesterday's adventures, listening to Al Green radio on Pandora, and a song comes on that sums it all up...where words fail, music fills the gap.






"Do You Feel Me" 


Wish I could see through
See deep into you
And know what you're thinking now
And if I'm what you're needin'
I need some kind of sign
Let me know cause I can't read your mind

Are you in?
Or am I in this on my own?
I need some clue from you
Let me know babe

[CHORUS]
Do you feel me?
Do you read me?
Tell me am I gettin through to you
I wanna know,
are you with me?
Are you listening?
Baby, is my message gettin through?
Do you feel me baby, oh babe, cause I can feel you

You play it so cool
Won't let nothin' show through
Won't show what you're feeling now, no
And you like to keep keepin' me
Keeping me here in the dark
And I can't see through into your heart
Let me in, in on this mystery
Cause I just can't stay in this guessing game

[CHORUS]

And don't keep me hanging on the line, baby
Tell me if you want me
And if you don't just let me know
Just answer one question
Don't keep me here guessing
Tell me now

day of prayer

Once again, I found myself stumbled upon an adventure. I had plans to go to Yeti Indian Restaurant in Glen Ellen, just outside of Sonoma.  Of three routes, I inadvertently landed upon the one that went through and up the hills of Santa Rosa.  A road that was not unfamiliar to me, but one that I didn't remember until I was a few miles into it.  Full of twists and hair pin turns, one way roads & one lane bridges, all of it covered by a canopy of trees.  The higher up we got, the bigger the trees, Redwoods to be exact.  It smelled incredible.  






A couple of wrong turns, but I eventually found the restarurant tucked back into an old wooden building off of Highway 12.  Just enough shade to make for a comfortable lunch, still enough warmth to make it a perfect Summer day in Northern California.  The outside patio had 5 tables above which there were Tibetan Prayer Flags draped across the outside patio area.


As I sat there under those flags, eating lunch catching up on life and love with my aunt and uncle, I received two requests.  One for my dear, sweet girl Catie who was not doing well, admitted into the ICU and struggling with the disease that had been trying to define her for so many years now.  The other from a friend and colleague from another city, "to my Police family, pray for us this week, as we go to Washington DC for the National Law Enforcement Memorial Service, you know what this means to us, it will be tough."





They say that the purpose of the prayer flags is that they will carry your prayers with the wind. They are meant to be strung on a windy day and are not taken down until they are to be retired.  They weather the elements, they get worn, and like life, they are here and then they are gone.  The old are not replaced entirely by the new, they are strung up next to each other until one is retired and the other takes it place.  They are meant to promote peace, compassion, strength, and wisdom.  While I don't subscribe to the mantras that they are founded on, I do believe in symbolism.  I believe in the message and reminder that of what they stand for. I believe in prayer.  I believe that while we cannot always see it working the way that we think want it to, while our prayers sometimes seem to feel like they fall on deaf ears, the power of prayer is not always in the end result.  It's in the process of being humble to pray, to have faith, to receive peace, and wisdom.  I believe that prayer changes us from the inside out.


Thursday, May 10, 2012

"I met a gal"

I wouldn't say that I live in a tight-knit neighborhood.  Even with living in the same house I grew up in from the age of less than one years old, I keep an eye out and exchange quick waves here and there as I see my neighbors coming and going, but we don't chit chat over the fence often.

Until recently.  My to-the-left-side neighbor recently lost his wife.  It was unexpected, undiagnosed pancreatic cancer.  She went in for what could have been appendicitis and a week later she was gone.  We exchanged a few conversations as I was coming and going over the garbage toters, but that's the extend of it.  I never knew his wife well, just that she was a sweet lady that waved every time she saw me.  Millie.  It's a sweet lady's kind of name.

A couple of weeks ago, Harry, the new widower, told me that he was going out of town to Washington State to visit some family and keep an extra eye on the house.  He'd shaved his beard and cut his long hair, they were the things that Millie loved him to keep, and so for as long as he's lived next door, he kept them.  I suspect that with her gone, he needed a little transformation to let her go little by little.

He has impeccable timing when it comes to catching me in a hurry, but under his current life's circumstances, no matter what I'm rushing out the door for, I always stop and lend him an ear and a few moments.  After all, what good are you neighbors if you can't chit chat with them in passing?

This morning as our shared gardener and him talked about the lawn, I wandered over and said hi.
Right away he said:

"Hey I met a gal."
"You did?  Awww, that's nice."
"She said she knows you."
"Oh, really?" (now I'm thinking it was just someone he ran into out and about and not a new love interest)
"Yeah, she said you took a report from her a while back."
"A report?  Must have been a while ago.  I haven't taken a report in a long time."
"She lives right back here about 7 houses down."
"Oh, OK maybe I did then,but that would have been at least 10 years ago."
"Yeah, she's lived here for quite some time."

"Remember when I went to Washington a few weeks ago?"
"Yeah."
"Well, my daughter decided to sign me up on my Apple for an online dating service and that's how I met her."
(I just smiled, I felt the goodness of where this story was just about to go.)
"We got to talking and getting along pretty quickly and I was just sitting there scratching my head up in Washington when I found out that she lives like 7 houses down the street from here."
(me still smiling, listening to him talk about meeting someone online that was practically living in his backyard...oh, Universe, you are speaking directly to me again)
"Really?  THAT is so close, that's crazy.  How cool is that?"
"So we met over dinner and you know, I'm still dealing with what happened with my wife, but I saw this gal and it was like love at first sight."
(cue big grins, happy feelings, all that jazz, this story makes me smile on the inside)

"Awwww, that's sooo great.  I totally believe in that stuff.  I'm happy for you."
"Yeah, but with everything that I've just been through, we're just getting to know each other.  We're starting out as friends first.  You know, Millie and I were friends first.  If you don't start a relationship as friends first, you're just spinning your wheels.  It's the key."
"Oh, Harry, you're the Universe speaking to me right now. I've been having this conversation in my head and out loud with someone who I know who used to live right in our backyard too.  He's one of my best friends, but he didn't know that until I told him that recently."
Harry's turn to grin at me.
"Well, it just blows my mind that she lives so close, so we'll see how it goes."
"Well, I think it's great and you better keep me informed.  I wanna know where this goes too."

Love stories are everywhere.  "Chance" meetings are not always so.  I'm firm believer that people are brought into each other's lives for a direct purpose.  I believe in friends first.  I believe that people are meant to be together but it's all about timing.

Harry and Millie made a promise to be each other's "to death do us part."  Death parted them.  Quickly, unfairly, , but still love always remains.  To see him struggle and get by the "best that could be expected" over the last few weeks made my heart sad for him.  To now see him smile about his new, quick, and unexpected turn of events made my morning today.



"What's meant to be will always find a way."

~ Trisha Yearwood 


"There is never a time or place for love.  It happens accidentaly, in a heartbeat, in a single, flashing, throbbing moment."
~ Sarah Dessen, The Truth About Forever

decluttering

Graveyard Shift,

You stealthy fucking beast you.  I forgot how much of a pain in the ass you are. 

~ me

First night back on graves, found myself in bed and tired at 0615 am...off to a good start. 
At 0940am the buzz-sawing would not end.  Backyard buzzsawing.  Would.not.end.
At 1005 it ended...a little too late.

I was up.  My brain was up.  I just want that thing to shut down for a little while latley.  I did what I do when my brain wakes me up.  I started to write.  Scratched out feverishly, it was flowing pretty quickly.  I was interrupted by a text from another sleep-deprived soul declaring that his sleep own deprivation from the night before was my fault.  But then he called me a "Salty Veteran"...only other salty veterans or newbies who were raised taught right use that term.  I'll take it.  The Salty Graveyard Veteran was up!

I never got back to bed.  Started wandering the house, pup in tow, across the new kitchen floor, into the finally finished family room, to my brand new, yet to be christened closet.  Everything in that room was covered in sheet rock dust.  I decided to start swiffering...half asleep and in a nightie, I figured I had 12 hours to get some stuff done and still get a nap in. 

Swiffering.  Half-asleep.  In a nightie. = things single girls can do when they live alone.  I love living alone.

I began the day with this thought: don't compare yourself to yourself...be who you are today, not 2 years ago, not what you're going to be some day. Where you are is exactly where you need to be.

Some Pandora music station belting out country tunes, I had this discussion with myself about a discussion I had with my Muse earlier this year that we both felt I was going to embark on a year full of "decluttering" starting with making MY house MY home.  The end of that conversation between her and I also concluded that as soon as I get my place exactly the way I want it, the sooner I'll find a reason to leave it behind and move on to something even bigger and better for my life.  Nonetheless, I smiled as I cleaned up and put things away, with the idea that the closet was just the beginning of that process. The real, true to life version of that thought. It's been unusable space for many, many years. Damaged, worn, broken. Sounding familiar? I thought so... Now it's fresh and new, reporposed, proud, shiny, so good now that it makes the rest of the room look old and outdated.

PS - I love this new floor. I love this new floor leading out to this new closet. I love how this house is shaping up.

I got about 1/8 of the room done, dusted, mopped, and wiped down before I decided that I had enough. 

Wandered into the backyard with a mirror and some tweezers.  Yeah, overgrown is always easier to spot in natural light.  Had enough eyebrow torture for the day and then found my way into the garage.  Still in the nightie and now flip flops, I started moving wooden palettes in the garage.  Splinters and all, I maneuvered them around imagining what bed frames and rustic American flag coffee tables I would be making.  "I'm 50 Shades of Crafty" I said out loud and to the pup.  "I just need a circular saw, a sander, some bolts, and  a drill."  All the things that the sleep-deprived should not have access to.  Thank God Someone is looking out for me. 

Before I knew it, morning was afternoon.  I was still in a nightie, still unshowered, and still trying to keep myself from being completely covered in sheet rock dust.  Leaving the house was off limits for the day. I had already wasted too much time and I just didn't want to leave the confines of my walls.

I looked up training courses, new jobs, federal, state, and local jobs, positions with "Director" and "Manager" in the title.  I thought about teaching, I thought about standing in front of a classroom, I thought about doing something with my expertise that would afford me some new exposure to the world. 

As the afternoon wore on, I wore out and finally found myself finally back in bed, deciding that it was nap time.  I found myself in bed next to an old phone with old texts and old memories.  Memories that I traced back to June of 2010.  What had I said about not comparing yourself to two years ago?  I was about to foul up my entire day, my mood, and undo my entire strange slightly productive recovery from sleep deprivation.  It seemed like my subconscious took my declaration early in the day as a  personal challenge.  I should have stopped while I was ahead.

I read those texts from two years back.  The emotions, the frustration, the want, the rejection, the desire, the attraction, the confusion, more frustration, more misunderstanding, more games, more unanswered questions, more, more, more...  The last thing I needed to confirm or remember in the cluster that has been the last three weeks of my life.  I read them all.  It was more dangerous for me than the circular saw would have been. 

Sleep deprivation set in even harder after unearthing the emotions that I thought were flushed away.  I tried to lay my head down and just like someone had poured a bucket of cold water on me, I jolted out of bed with the stark realization that I was living in a groundhogs day moment, a deja vu moment of working graves, still single, not happy with being up all night and asleep all day, it was hot, I was sticky and sweaty, and alone.  I was alone.  Sleep deprivation turned mini panic attack turned to a phone call and a text to a good friend.  It turned into calling work for a 2 hour late start of my shift for the night.  I had to get some sleep, right?  The panic turned into a pity party.  I turned it before it got too panicky, but still, it was there.  It had reared its ugly head and stared straigth at me. 
Over the course of 10 hours, I had declared for all of the Facebook world that I was not going to look back or forward but just in the moment. In my pitiful, sorrowful, sad and lonely state of mind lying there in my bed sleep-deprived and sticky from sheet rock dust and the Summer weather, I had done the exact and total opposite.
I decided to get up.  Get in the shower and then maybe get back to bed.  I turned the music back on.  I listened to the thoughts I had recorded typed from the words I had feverishly written out earlier.  I listened to my voice on those recordings.  I like my voice.  I could narrate something.  I know what it's like to express emotion, sorrow, frustration, joy, confusion, hope...all those emotions that make for successful communication.  Communication.  My conundrum it feels like lately.  Too much, too little, not clear enough, not concise, not decided, too decided, too much, too forceful.  Words...they have meaning, but I found myself again knowing that actions speak louder than any words ever could.  I felt like my actions in my personal life hadn't spoken louder than my words.  My words in those texts, emails, blog posts, in my life.

I'd like to blame graves entirely.  I'd like to blame the warm weather.  I'd like to blame sleep-deprivation, but I can only take responsibility for how I let my day evolve and unravel.  These last couple of weeks have me thinking about all the big and small moments in the last two years.  I have read old text, messages, emails, and blogs.  The changes make my head clear and my heart happy.  The similarities from years ago to now make it fuzzy again and my heart heave. I have to find a healthy balance between the two. 

I wanted to give up and stay in bed, stay home, stay in that rut that my mind had carved out.  But then this still small voice, my inner Scarlett O'Hara kicked in.   I saw my progress from a couple of years ago to now. I saw where I hadn't changed.  I saw where I have taken full advantage of learning from new opportunities and mistakes that I saw coming from a mile away.  I saw missed opportunities and great decisions made. I saw regrets and I saw where I have put my foot down, lead with my mind, but still heard what my heart was saying. I tried to find the silver lining in the clouds and trust my natural born instincts. I saw that I was all these things and more. 

12 hours later, after the rollercoaster of my day, I made this declaration: ok...enough groundhog's day sleep deprived self induced mental and emotional crisis...i'm putting on my damn work pants and handling business. it's go time. enough of this little pity party.
I feel like I might have the same bones, the same structure, as I did two years ago, but like my new closet, my heart and my mind have been decluttered and in some ways rebuilt.  Painfully, yes, but still repurposed, cleaned up, emptied out, and filled up again.  Like the new closet, I'm putting things back in there with some semblance of order.  Cleaner, dusted off, wiped down. 

Living. Existing. Changing. Evolving. Drastically. Statically. Constantly. Decluttering. Slowly...but surely.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Bring Me Down

"Bring Me Down"

Sweet like a kiss sharp like a razor blade
I find you when I' m close to the bottom
You cant appreciate the time it takes
To kick a love I always knew was kind of wrong
And as I'm putting out the flame
Somebody brings up you name

Oh oh oh oh
Baby baby baby bring me down
I want to be right where you are
Baby baby baby bring me down
You can look me in the eye and break my heart
Break my heart

Six AM unruffled pillow
Laughs out loud at my trusting heart
It's like I didn't see the penny
I missed the fountain by a couple yards
If you would only stay gone
Maybe I could move on

Oh oh oh oh
Baby baby baby bring me down
I want to be right where you are
Baby baby baby bring me down
You can look me in the eye and break my heart
Break my heart

OH! Baby baby baby bring me down
I want to be right where you are
Baby baby baby bring me down
You can look me in the eye and break my heart
Break my heart

OH! Baby baby baby bring me down
I want to be right where you are
Baby baby baby bring me down
You can look me in the eye and break my heart
Break my heart

Bring me down...

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

it is well with my soul (my picture perfect weekend)

And so...it was that time again. Time to go a little North & then a little East. It was time to take a roadtrip. A long and overdue one to the mountains, where the air is cleaner, the trees are taller, the friends are more like family, and I can just be me. Clumsy, carefree, passionate, confused, heartbroken, happy, sad, hungry, tired, beautifully messily me. Few places in this world exist where that can happen. I treasure the places where that exists.
 Into the car I went...riding gear, snacks, CDs, a few changes of clothes, a good book, a head that needed some clearing and the sunroof back was just the way to get rid of all those thoughts that haunt me and do me no good. I always do my best thinking in the car. It is my refuge. It is one of those safe places that I cherish. It's just mine, I decide where we go together, it has always kept me safe, & it keeps my secrets too.
(He's not cheap, but he's dependable, and worth every dollar..& arm & leg! ouch!)
(the gear I packed: how dirty girls get it done)
(I arrived just in time for dinner and to make some of my new favorite Vegan Blueberry Lemon Chia Seed muffins for breakfast for the next few days)
(and then after a long drive and some dinner, the brightest full moon of the year wished us all a good night)
When we awoke, Sunday had come upon us......75* of sunny Sunday blissfulness. Waffles on the back porch turned into beers on the back porch before the crack of noon. We had a goal. Drink, talk, tan, do nothing else.
.....Shock Top (well the bottom of my bottle that is.  Which simply did not do...it was quickly replaced)
.....THE lawn.  I love this lawn.  The end.  You will soon know why.
.....the Couple I <3. I think this picture says it all. Gary & Patti met in wildland fire academy 20+ years ago. Much to the disdain of her nerves, he likes to clean up the property on the weekends. Her inner firefighter cannot be contained. He came up from the burn and grabbed an extinguisher, she followed (in flip flops) with a hose. I grabbed my phone/camera, cause calling for resources and documentation is what I do. I love this new picture of them. It about sums it up. I love their relationship. It gives me hope.
You can only drink so much before you get hungry, and there was pesto to be made. Two drunk women, one incorrigible food processor, and handful of ingredients = perfection. Recipes? Naw. Not this girl. Here's the cooking rule: find good ingredients that stand on their own, match them with ones that you like equally as much, put them together and see what happens. You can't go too horribly wrong. Oh, also...never trust a woman who cannot cook. You'll thank me for this later in life sometime. Trust me. Also trust me when I tell you that this roasted garlic pesto cheese bread can and will some day make for world peace. It.is.that.GOOD!!!
After we soaked up some booze with some bread, it was time for a ride. The dirty girl gear didn't make it in the back of the car for nothing!
I am merely a guest on the trails, which leaves me behind following and eating dust. I'll do it any day. I love to ride, I forget and then I always remember once I get back on my bike.
I risk loosing my phone/camera on rides for pictures like these alone. It was every bit as peaceful as it looks.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

wish

I wish I may, I wish I might, I wish many, many things in hindsight...