In the Trenches

There are some days you know you're going to remember forever before you go into them. There are other days, moments in time, that completly catch you off guard and end up being the best days ever. Yesterday, was no accident. Signed up for months, "training" (I say this loosely) for month, 7 of us entered our first mud obstacle course.

There were the prima donnas of the group, the untrained, the unsure, and the go-getters, we were a team. One for all, all for one. We crawled, we ran, we jogged, we walked, we jumped, we blinked away mud, spit it out, tried to shake it off, and eventually just let it take over.

Post 3 showers later - the one at the end of the event, the one in the parking lot with the gallon jug of water, the one back at the house where I still found hay in my hair, 2 parties and an impromptu visit to my oldest aunt and uncle, I found myself in my favorite place to be. Behind the wheel, windows down, warm breeze, and a good song on the radio. The last time I was covered in head to toe, I was 8, my brother was 5, we were in the backyard unsupervised with a hose and a ropeswing. Kids just do what is fun. They run towards it, with no other thought on their mind, but to just get in the thick of it, no matter how dirty it is. Yesterday, I was just a kid and it was good. Really, really good. It was a perfect day in the beautiful mess that is my day.

small moments

I'm terrible at keeping up. I'm inconsistent with writing. Life is a spinning top. Timing is everything. My world is off kilter. This is nothing new. But...every once in a while, things right themselves. Sometimes with little effort, sometimes with everything you've got, sometimes all on their own. In the revolving door of friendships and relationships, I'm finding that even with a 40 hour a week profession as a Communications Officer...I am more often then not, lately, a failure at communicating in my personal life. Saying "sorry" or telling someone how much they really mean to you...simple words with a world of meaning - sometimes, that's all it takes to right the world. Or at least a significant part of it. I'm going to try and right my world one small part at a time. That's all I can do. That's the best I can do for now. Life is a series of unpredictable moments, written a page at a time. It's adventure, tragedy, comedy, drama...drama.

Leap Year Day

And so...here it is, the last day of February 2012 and also Leap Year Day, the 29th...I must write today of all days! It won't be back around again for four years. Four years! Can you imagine what will happen between now and then? How many blogs, how many changes, how many highs and lows, laughs and sorrows? I wonder. Hmmm...

Sadly, this is my also first blog entry for this year to date...what a sad, sorry state of affiars. I mean that in more ways than one. As much as I have felt compelled to write of my adventures, sorrows, and accomplishments over the last 3 months, I highly suspect that the lack of a working laptop at 4am kept me from getting to this online catharis of mine. I did write...I wrote in my private, handwritten journal of heartbreak that I thought I had closed the book on. Books...doors, they can just as easily be opened again as when they are closed. That is another blog for another night, but it is a story that should not be kept to myself anymore.

My first full week back to work after nearly a month off (later for that journey of applesauce and OR trips), I caught up on nearly everything, commuted 200 miles, in the rain, in a van, at 6:45am. Enough to send anyone to bed early, but alas, that damned internal Scarlett O'Hara took over tonight just as my weak and tired body was trying to doze off and she drove me to a 90* room filled with 35 other sweaty souls so we could stretch, challenge ourselves, let it all go, and find our inner strength.

Getting back to the grind is just that...grinding, wearing, not an appetizing word at all unless you're standing in the Starbucks line waiting for your fix.

Getting back to writing, getting it out of my head and onto this page, that is just a sigh of relief. It's like coming home after a long vacation and after any good vacation, you have lots of memories, knick-knacks, photos, and dirty laundry. I have all of those things from my last three months.

I heard a new favorite song tonight in class...the first five words of the song and I was hooked. I'm glad I was there to hear it, I'm glad I'm here to write about it, I'm glad that it's made it on to "that" list, I'm glad that even if it took three months, I'm back (here), and when you read this, I hope you're glad you're here too.

30 things: Day 30

Day 30: Your favorite song. I don't have just one, but this one will do for now, for this year, and for the end of this year which is just about 5minutes away.

The lyrics:

Made a wrong turn once or twice
Dug my way out, blood and fire
Bad decisions, that's alright
Welcome to my silly life

Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss 'No way, it's all good'
It didn't slow me down.
Mistaken, always second guessing
Underestimated, look I'm still around

Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than fucking perfect
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me

You're so mean when you talk
About yourself. You were wrong.
Change the voices in your head
Make them like you instead.

So complicated,
Look happy, You'll make it!
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game
It's enough, I've done all I could think of
Chased down all my demons
I've seen you do the same
(Ohh ohhhhhhh)

Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than fucking perfect
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me

The whole world's scared, so I swallow the fear
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer
So cool in line and we try try try but we try too hard
And it's a waste of my time.
Done looking for the critics, cause they're everywhere
They don't like my jeans, they don't get my hair
Exchange ourselves and we do it all the time
Why do we do that, why do I do that (why do I do that)?




and so I did it...with 3 mintues to spare...I wrote my 30 things.

Happy New Year to you and to me!!!

30 things: day 29

Day 29 - in this past month, what have you learned?

I love to sleep, more than ever. It's peaceful and it's quite. All the time.
The past is the past for a reason, even if it feels warm at night and it makes you smile when you least expect it.
My space is starting to feel more and more like my space.
The people who are the closest to you are the ones who can hurt you the most.
I hurt all around when I don't make my body move. (I know, it's in direct contradiction to my first learned lesson).
I have lofty goals.
I have a new vision of what I want and what I won't settle for any longer.
I am a good photographer. (with a lot to still learn, but I'm getting there).
I deserve to be happy and I'm going to change that in this next year.

30 things: day 28

Day 28: a picture of you from last year and now, how have you changed since then?

Another hard one to tackle. I found a picture from last Christmas and then one from a concert this last October. Yeah, I lost some weight, but I'm kind of the same. Interally, emotionally, mentally, I've changed a lot. People that were staples in my life are no longer there. It was painful to lose some relationships and a relief to lose others. I learned that I am not kind, patient, or giving enough to myself. I've learned that my capacity to give is much greater than my capacity to forgive. I've learned that I can do it, I can run a little longer, I can see results faster, I can put myself first for once and not feel bad about it. I'm learning to set boundaries. I'm learning what other people are made of. I'm learning to reset my priorities and be more cautious with my time and emotions. I'm mostly just learning all the time...the hard way, the easy way, quickly, and slowly...but I'm at least learning.

on 2012

New Years resolutions? I've had a few. I only have one this year: invest in myself. Whether that be going to the gym or yoga more, spending more time behind my camera, staying up all night crafting something fabulous, or just sleeping in. It's my time now. I've invested years in a house that I could not call my own, in other people's business and personal successes while ignoring my own, in miles and miles of travel just to visit, thousands of hours of phone calls, texts, and emails to keep in contact, and just ended up creating this existence where I both the constant welcoming committee and a doormat. I let myself get burned and then I burned the rest of myself out. It's hard to love other people when you don’t love yourself. So, that's my resolution this year: me. I'm my own resolution.

PS - from me to all of the rest of you: you know that person you always go to and always lean on when you're in need? Maybe they need a day off too. Find that person and tell them thank you and then take a step back and look at them as a person in whole, not just in the context that you know them. Learn to appreciate who you have in your life before it's too late.

Here's to Happy New Year's and happy lives for all.