31.

and so today is my 31st birthday...officially 7 minutes ago
although I was actually born at 2:18 in the morning 31 years ago

I've been more than contemplative lately and this stroke of midnight was no exception

What has changed since last year?  What more or less have I become?
not much I started to think...but then I stopped that thought and it all started coming back to me
so, of course, I came here, like I do when I'm listening to my heart

I turned on the music to keep me company and of course by some manner of mind trickery, Adele radio was playing and this song was the first that came on - if I could have made the record scratch, I would have...oh, it's funny actually.  It is.  I'm finding myself chuckling and rolling my eyes at the irony.  The Karma of it all.

but, let me not get sidetracked -  onto to the ever important 30 > - < 31 in the dash moments 

In the last year, I have:

} finally gotten my space, my freedom, my own house, my independence
} lost two dear friendships and let go of my relationship with my father - during that process I also let go of a lot of anger and hurt, there are still streaks of it there, but they don't rule me like they used to
} gained a great appreciation for someone who was always there, but I never saw until recently, I literally drove from one great friendship to the next in the matter of hours...one of my favorite memories
} over all gained more new friends than I "lost" for true friends are never really lost, sometimes you just have to part ways for a while
}saw my brother cross a 4 month finish line, I watched him turn into something that I never knew he had in him
} took a call that has turned out to be a career defining - in this moment, I can say that, if by some misfortune or lottery moment, I handed over my headset tomorrow, I could walk away knowing that there was "that" call that I knew I had meant to step into this profession for nearly 15 years ago
} have felt the call of somewhere else that is calling me "home" but it's just not revealed itself yet...but I hear it more distinctly than ever
} decided to change my major to Business Marketing, something I never considered until it hit me that it might push me in the direction of finding my career passion - I'm looking forward to updating this next year
} lost a dear, sweet love that I called family, an end that we knew was going to end all too soon, but never knowing when that might happen
} opened myself up to more relationship possibilities than I have in all of my 20's...none were right, all were lessons, nothing's broken me, I'm still learning every day, right now every hour, I'm working really hard on the relationship with myself and my life and being thankful for all that I have to share with someone else
} planted two garden beds that had been on my list for three years
} completed 3 competitive runs, including a mud run, things that I always wanted to do, but never imagined I could
} joined yoga, bootcamp, a new gym, and a new appreciation for marathon running and outdoor adventure
} felt more comfortable in my skin than I have in previous years
} started a new venture 
} went under the knife, and out to the world for my first time, and then 6 days later for my second
} survived
} grew my hair out, brought my waist in, and saw myself through someone else's appreciative eyes
} spoke my mind without regret
} started mending fences 
} wrote...and wrote...and wrote some more - I'm looking up now at the words above this bullet point and I see my life, my journey, my hopes, my sorrows, my dreams, my hurts, my wishes, my love, my hate, a girl who wants her dad, a kid who wants her best friend again, a woman who is learning what it is like to open her heart and not fear getting rejected, and a public servant understanding the bind that is an oath

I am admitting to myself more now than ever, that my heart is open, it's feeling and seeking all the time, not as closed off as it used to be - torn open by sorrow, hurt, and loss, but being washed by tears and the kind of laughter that only comes when you've gone through the worst of it, and not around it, not over it, but straight through it, stuck to your decisions, your words, or taken the high road, the humble road and made amends.

next year...in "32", what will have changed?  What will have occurred?  I don't know...the older I get, the less I realize that I have to let life happen organically, not planned and executed according to my plan but according to my Creator's.

today, I am 31 years young and I know that the best is yet to come

smile, breathe

Yoga 1 week later, same circumstances, didn't leave the house all day, it was hot outside, I was feeling down, but 10 minutes until it would have been too late to leave for class, I just convinced myself to go because it just does me so good (so, soo good) and Krista, well she is just such a great teacher it made my  decision that much easier.

It was 96..7…8...9* degrees outside on this June afternoon.
The room inside was just as hot.

Vinyasa, for all intensive purposes it means flow.

Imagine, move and hot, move in hot, then move and hot, and then more move in hot: 

an imagine puddle of sweat was happening.

It started quickly and progressed from a plop..plop..plop, to a constant stream. 

 My mind chuckled recalling wanting to be in a pool just the other day and realizing that I got my wish:

I was in a pool...of my own sweat.

Krista, she told a story to set the intention for the class - she spent the earlier part of her afternoon in the Mission District, and having to use the restroom, found the closest one in a seedy bar a few doors down the block. The bathroom walls covered in ink and graffiti, the messages scrawled not to be repeated in class save one: Smile, you never know it might change someone else's day.

I haven't been smiling a lot, really at all.

I took that message as personal and to heart.

Another reminder: with the good, the bad, the ugly, let it all out, get through it, open your heart.

"Bow to your practice, bow to your friends,

and from an old lady, when you find real, genuine friends, keep them."

Oh that message, the message of clinging to, treasuring, and holding your friends close,

that one spoke straight to the heart of me.

It was a really tough class. I felt really strong and then I felt really weak.
It was a battle, but that was fine today because warrior pose is my favorite

and there was a lot of warrior flow today.

Standing there, feet planted intentionally, arms outstretched, staring down my arm towards my fingertips like I was staring down barrel of a gun, watching the sweat glisten off my arm, over my shoulder, past the tattoos, rolling to my forearm, and then dripping down off my elbow onto the floor.

I felt strong standing there like that.

As we came to the end, she said this is a special class "my lambs, because this is my last for this time slot."

I sunk a little bit.

She said "it's too hot and I am too old to keep teaching in this hot of a class, my mother was younger than me when she passed and I have to listen to my body."

I can understand that.

When I looked up, I noticed 3 or 4 other women crying, and I know what that feels like,

'cause I come to yoga for the same reasons they do.

Much to our comfort and to stop our tears, Krista assured us she would still be teaching Sunday, Mellow Flow. Church Flow, that's what she calls it, and that's what I call it too.
It'll go on, they'll be another great teacher for the midafternoon class and I'll keep going to Church Flow,

but just when I thought this class would be an easy go of it, it never is.

Be with your breath.

Just keeps reminding me of the birthday present that I am going to get and all of the moments in life when you have to remember to breath, and that really if you can't breath, you can't live.

If you're heart stops beating, your lungs stop pumping.
Even while you're heart can still pump, your lungs can stop breathing and although we've found ways to work around that, lack of breath is lack of life.

It's the painful and deliberate consideration of compassion family members have to make when they have loved ones at the end. Do we let them live on machines?
What kind of quality of life is that?
We've had those conversations in my family,
more frequently now as the older generation continues to get older

Very, very recently, I know what the pain of that decision looks like, what it feels like, what it does to a family. The decision to "unhook" the machines and let the last few breaths come
slow, unsteady, but natural until the last one.

I hear the words echo in my head from a memorial service I just attended a few weeks prior:

"It was my privilege to be there for my precious baby to take her first breath, and it was my privilege to be there, on Mother's Day, to hold her in my arms as she took her last."

The end of breath is the end of life.

Well, life here, in this body, as we know it tangibly.

Still thinking, of all the times you're nervous and someone said to you, your mom,
your coach, your trainer, your best friend "just take a deep breath"

All those times I've said it, hundreds.of.thousands.of.times now over the.course.of.my.10-year.career:
"just take a deep breath"
"just calm down and then answer me"
"just remind them to breathe"
"are they breathing?"
"can you feel, see, or hear any breath coming out?"
"just keep monitoring their breathing and let me know if anything changes"

Labor, bringing life into the world, what do they teach you?

Breathe, you have to breathe, breathe through the contraction, breathe through the pain.

So any question I had about my birthday present has been put to rest.

Just breathe.

Smile and just breathe.

God knows I'm tough enough

It is a struggle for me right now to not to cannibalize myself with introspection.  It applies to everything I feel, see, hear...I find myself just reminding myself to breathe.  It's a whisper...just breathe, just breathe, just breathe. 


Sitting here catching up on email, checking up on my friends, debating if there's anything else to say that I didn't say two days ago, forcing myself to get out of bed for the day after finally getting some sleep.  The wind is eerie, it's too quiet in this house.  For all those years, I just wanted my own space, I just wanted to be able to think without interruption, now it's too quiet. It's lonely quiet. Just the clacking of the keyboard that sits on my lap and the clacking of the dog's nails on the hardwood floor.  Thank God for her, she keeps the best company, I love that dog.


That small, quiet voice inside me said, "turn on the music Lauren"... After all, I made a pledge to make it my best friend again.  Music has saved me so many times.  I forgot about it, but I wrote a speech on the power of music in college.  I got an A.  It wasn't hard to talk about, it wasn't hard to bring the audience into my enthusiasm I had for it.   What exactly did I say?  I don't know, but whatever it was, it worked.  


So here I am, trying to find some balance in my mind, and then {this Jason Mraz song} comes on. I've heard it here and there for the last few months.  It's beautiful, not over orchestrated.  The first time I heard it I was in my bedroom putting away clothes, it came floating out over the speakers that are in the bathroom - yes, I put speakers in the bathroom for one reason and one reason alone - singing in the shower.  It's awesome, but I digress.  As soon as I heard it, I knew that this song would make the list.  To my ears, it was love at first sound.  


Despite the title of this song, it's not a song about broken or empty promises, trying to desperately breathe life into a love lost, falling in love with a dream, or wishing on shooting stars. I picked out the lyrics that spoke to me.  Just me individually.

I Won't Give Up On Us

Hmmmm ... Hmmmm ... Hmmmm ... Hmmm ...


When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
There's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?


I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up


And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find


'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up


I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am


I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Still looking up.


I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)
God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)


I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

How old is my soul?  Older than it should be? Maybe not.  I've heard this time and time again for years now.  "You have an old soul."  I don't always know what that means, but I know it's a compliment.  I know that when I tell people that about myself, they smile back at me, and the ones that have their own old soul, it's unspoken between us.  The smile that you get in your eyes that says "Yeah, I got it, I got you." 

I am still looking Up.  I am.  I always know I can, even when I'm doing my own navigating and I find myself lost.  Trust.  It's my biggest struggle.  Trust that I'm doing the right thing, that I'm headed in the right direction, that the things I need to do that petrify me I can do if I trust enough.  Trust that things happen for a reason, that they end up the way they were always supposed to, that some day it will all make sense.  

Navigating - its a shitstorm out there sometimes.  Ultimately, I have to do it all on my own, I have to be happy and content in myself, with myself.  I think that's why so many relationships fall apart, dependence on someone else to make you happy.  Navigating comes easier by the way of family, good friends, confidants, people that you can relate to, that let you know you're not the only one out there trying to find the way.  That's where words hold their power, where writers who can express emotion by way of a phrase can make words simply priceless.  That's where lyrics speak louder than anything.  The "ah-ha!" moments when you hear something that speaks to everything you're feeling and thinking that you thought no one else could relate to.  

We do have a lot to learn - and by we, I mean I.  I have a lot to learn.  The older I get, the less I know.  The more I think I know, the more I get proven wrong.  I'm learning something right now.  I don't know what it is.  It hurts whatever it is.  It's numb sometimes, overwhelming other times, it comes out in tears, in sobs, in distance stares out of the window.  

And in the end you're still my friend.  This is the one lyric that is not about me.  And when you read this, and you will, it is everything about you.  In the end, we will always be friends.  It's a friendship that is always evolving.  Not static.  It's already changed so much, it simply can't be what it was before, but it will always be there.  Even when there are no words between us, there's that quiet confidence that I know that we will always be friends.  If you sense that someone is thinking about you and hoping you're safe, and happy, that'll be me, even if you don't hear me say it.  All the lost navigating that you saw me through, listened  to me wonder about, gave me advice on which way to steer the rudder, unassuming, I don't think either one of us knew it at the time, but you were exactly what I needed.  I don't know if I can repay the favor.  I know true friendship doesn't keep tabs, and that's not what this is about.  I can't be the friend that you need me to be right now though, and that makes me hurt.    It makes me hurt because I know I should be there to listen to you now.  I should be able to tell you that things you're terrified about, you shouldn't be.  I should be able to tell you that it'll all work out the way it's supposed to.  That sometimes it's not about taking the risk, or finding out if it's worth it in the end, but it's what you learn about it in the in between, in the journey of taking a risk on something that is terrifying.  I should tell you that when it comes down to it, listen to your heart.  I should ask you to promise me that whatever happens, you won't settle for being underwhelmed.  Don't take the easy way out.  Don't settle for anything less than butterflies.  Take the best piece of advice I have when it comes to these things that are terrifying.  Find someone who knows your dark secrets, doesn't think twice about your imperfections, accepts you for everything you have been, everything  you are, and everything you're yet to be.  Don't "settle" until you find that person who you can be completely, comfortably yourself with.  The person who makes you want to be the best you that you can be.  Promise me that?  Please?

Learn how to bend without the world caving in

I had to learn what I've got

And what I'm not

And who I am   I'm tenacious.  Despite this never ending stream of tears, I don't break easily.  I know who I am.  I know who I'm not.  I know what I want out of this life.  I know  what I won't compromise.  Despite knowing all those things, there is still a lot for me to learn.  I used to call myself broken and hollow.  I was never broken, I was just bent.  Finding something that you can bend without breaking it, finding someone that can bend along with you without breaking what relationship you have...I'm learning these things the hard way in the last few years.  I'm learning what  is truly important.  I'm learning what the consequences are for not setting boundaries, not putting myself first, and I'm learning about timing.  Timing is just another adjective for trust.  Trust, like love, is a verb.  

God knows I'm tough enough - this one should speak for itself.  They say that God doesn't give you more than you can handle.  Right now I know of people who have been given more than their fair share.  But that's from my perspective.  Children should not leave this life before their parents do.  No one should get cancer, especially those who still have their entire lives ahead of them.  When I stop the spinning top that's spinning inside my head and consider them, it helps put things in perspective.  It's so hard to focus on what I think I don't have, what I'm missing, what I want desperately, that I forget to stop and appreciate what I do have (another just breathe moment) and be thankful and grateful for that.  For the mounds of things that I've amassed over the years, for the whittling down of acquaintances to true, lifelong friends, for a family that loves me, for a job that I love to hate but still pays my bills and keeps me healthy, for not doing what I'm most passionate about anymore, but knowing that it's out there still and when I find it, it will mean that much more to me.  

It's taken me the better part of 2 hours to write this.  I've listened to this track at least twenty times.  The tears have finally stopped.  I'm breathing without a reminder.  I'm not entirely numb.  If you've managed to make it to the end of this post with me, thank you.  Thank you for reading.   Thank you for taking the time.  Thank you for being my audience, whoever you are.  I find peace and solace in breathing life into my words.  Into putting my heart, my dreams, my hurt out into the world, outside of myself to be seen.  It's not always easy, but it's one of the things that saves me.  It's the vulnerability that makes me stronger.   

bandaid

bbq
sangria
good friends
my sister
zz top
the blues
john mayer
a guitar song

that combination forces you out of bed, numbs the pain, distracts your mind, plays in chords what you feel, doesn't bat an eyelash when you lose a tear in your wine glass, makes so you hear the words in lyric form instead of just in a constant stream in your head

it's not a cure, but it's a bandaid, and right now i'll take what i can get

give thanks and good night

Right now at just after 5am, I am choosing to be thankful for:

*10 hours of overtime even though I had to give up part of my great weekend & had to stay up later than I planned to.
*the realization that despite temporary heartache and an anxious anticipation of losing touch with my daily "someone", my fears turned out to actually be a nice reprieve from my daily "confusion"........ "I can see clearly now the rain is gone..."

I'm thankful for:
*good food
*good weather
*good friends
*good family
*a place to call home, just mine alone, where there is peace & quiet & a place to lay my head
*finally, I am glad that in this moment, I am going to sleep with a happy heart & a peaceful mind

Goodnight my friends

my Jiminy

Being an official conscience, Jiminy is rather wise and optimistic. He can be a bit aggressive when upset, but means well. He is not only Pinocchio's conscience but also his best friend, a relationship he treasures apparently. The two spend much of their time together to the point that Jiminy feels insulted and rejected when Pinocchio briefly called Lampwick his best friend. When first introduced, Jiminy was shown to be rather wise-cracking and humorous, often making jokes to amuse himself. Prior to meeting Pinocchio, Jiminy was sort of a realist, not believing in fairy tales and wishes. Of course, after the adventure with him and the little wooden boy, Jiminy's view of the world changed greatly. The cricket holds an obvious crush on The Blue Fairy. He often gets dumbfounded upon the mere sight of her. In spite of his naturally diminutive states, Jiminy shows no fear in facing enemies thrice his size as seen when he tried to get Pinocchio away from Honest John and Gideon and when he wanted to scuffle with Lampwick.  (source)


"Jiminy"

It is one of my most cherished nicknames
I gie her the advice she needs

but not always the advice she wants

I know her demons, her fears, and her unspoken dreams

She makes me crazy

She's too much to handle at times

But under neath it all, I know that genunie and has a good heart

She is reckless with words sometimes

She's a spinning top at other times

She is always there when I need her

She listens to me too

She serves a purpose in my life just like I do in hers

There are no "tabs" kept between us
I know that I'm one of the few people she comes to when something goes wrong, no mater the time of day or night

love with your heart

Love with your heart, not your eyes.

Thank you Catie for everything you taught me.

burn brightly

I've had a train of connected thoughts for the last two nights:

thinking that life...its like a flame flickering...
a beautiful girl with a contagious smile and a sweet spirit was like a burning candle
burning fragile, swaying with the wind, being blown with the breeze, but still burning steadfast, fueled by love, enough that despite the hard gust of a disease that tried to extinguish her in so many ways, she was able to carry on  for so long

now it feels like it's gone dark...

all black

but then...I think not to dwell on what is gone now but what was there all along
despite the darkness of the disease that tried to define her, she brought a Light into an existence that was both short and long in its life

there was warmth
there was a constant glow
and it was, undoubtedly, a constant
her presence alone was a guide and a reminder
she was innocence, joy, gentle calm
being around her was a reminder about the duality of life
the strength of the human spirit overcoming the weakness of the human body

there are no words to take away the hurt and the pain but still I find myself looking for something to say that will bring comfort to the family that she leaves behind

what could I possibly say?

another string of thoughts came to me as I stared into my work screen, silently with my back to my partners and the phones, streams of tears sliding down my cheeks

it came to me that for all these years, through blindness, through loss of mobility, through incomprehensible speech, you all watched over her, cared for her, saw what she couldn’t see, guided her, carried her,  lifted her, held her up...


now it's her turn

what she couldn't do for herself, she can now do for all from Above

she is watching over you all, all of you, all at once, every where you go, through new, clear eyes, guiding you, carrying you, comforting you, holding you up

she is every where around you

she will never be gone

she is part of you

her light still burns brightly
it will never be extinguished

...it burns now inside each of you

call it pain, grief, loss, anger, hurt

call it love

that feeling in your chest, in the pit of your stomach

that constant feeling, is her spirit still burning inside each you

a quote on grief jumped out off the page at me, from a woman who became impaired as a young child, lost was her speech and her sight, but not her ability to effect the world around, to inspire and to leave a lasting legacy

What we have once enjoyed deeply we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.
- Helen Keller

day of prayer

Once again, I found myself stumbled upon an adventure. I had plans to go to Yeti Indian Restaurant in Glen Ellen, just outside of Sonoma.  Of three routes, I inadvertently landed upon the one that went through and up the hills of Santa Rosa.  A road that was not unfamiliar to me, but one that I didn't remember until I was a few miles into it.  Full of twists and hair pin turns, one way roads & one lane bridges, all of it covered by a canopy of trees.  The higher up we got, the bigger the trees, Redwoods to be exact.  It smelled incredible.  

A couple of wrong turns, but I eventually found the restarurant tucked back into an old wooden building off of Highway 12.  Just enough shade to make for a comfortable lunch, still enough warmth to make it a perfect Summer day in Northern California.  The outside patio had 5 tables above which there were Tibetan Prayer Flags draped across the outside patio area.

As I sat there under those flags, eating lunch catching up on life and love with my aunt and uncle, I received two requests.  One for my dear, sweet girl Catie who was not doing well, admitted into the ICU and struggling with the disease that had been trying to define her for so many years now.  The other from a friend and colleague from another city, "to my Police family, pray for us this week, as we go to Washington DC for the National Law Enforcement Memorial Service, you know what this means to us, it will be tough."

They say that the purpose of the prayer flags is that they will carry your prayers with the wind. They are meant to be strung on a windy day and are not taken down until they are to be retired.  They weather the elements, they get worn, and like life, they are here and then they are gone.  The old are not replaced entirely by the new, they are strung up next to each other until one is retired and the other takes it place.  They are meant to promote peace, compassion, strength, and wisdom.  While I don't subscribe to the mantras that they are founded on, I do believe in symbolism.  I believe in the message and reminder that of what they stand for. I believe in prayer.  I believe that while we cannot always see it working the way that we think want it to, while our prayers sometimes seem to feel like they fall on deaf ears, the power of prayer is not always in the end result.  It's in the process of being humble to pray, to have faith, to receive peace, and wisdom.  I believe that prayer changes us from the inside out.

it is well with my soul (my picture perfect weekend)

And so...it was that time again. Time to go a little North & then a little East. It was time to take a roadtrip. A long and overdue one to the mountains, where the air is cleaner, the trees are taller, the friends are more like family, and I can just be me. Clumsy, carefree, passionate, confused, heartbroken, happy, sad, hungry, tired, beautifully messily me. Few places in this world exist where that can happen. I treasure the places where that exists.

 Into the car I went...riding gear, snacks, CDs, a few changes of clothes, a good book, a head that needed some clearing and the sunroof back was just the way to get rid of all those thoughts that haunt me and do me no good. I always do my best thinking in the car. It is my refuge. It is one of those safe places that I cherish. It's just mine, I decide where we go together, it has always kept me safe, & it keeps my secrets too.

(He's not cheap, but he's dependable, and worth every dollar..& arm & leg! ouch!)

(the gear I packed: how dirty girls get it done)

(I arrived just in time for dinner and to make some of my new favorite Vegan Blueberry Lemon Chia Seed muffins for breakfast for the next few days)

(and then after a long drive and some dinner, the brightest full moon of the year wished us all a good night)

When we awoke, Sunday had come upon us......75* of sunny Sunday blissfulness. Waffles on the back porch turned into beers on the back porch before the crack of noon. We had a goal. Drink, talk, tan, do nothing else.

.....Shock Top (well the bottom of my bottle that is.  Which simply did not do...it was quickly replaced)

.....THE lawn.  I love this lawn.  The end.  You will soon know why.

.....the Couple I &lt;3. I think this picture says it all. Gary & Patti met in wildland fire academy 20+ years ago. Much to the disdain of her nerves, he likes to clean up the property on the weekends. Her inner firefighter cannot be contained. He came up from the burn and grabbed an extinguisher, she followed (in flip flops) with a hose. I grabbed my phone/camera, cause calling for resources and documentation is what I do. I love this new picture of them. It about sums it up. I love their relationship. It gives me hope.

You can only drink so much before you get hungry, and there was pesto to be made. Two drunk women, one incorrigible food processor, and handful of ingredients = perfection. Recipes? Naw. Not this girl. Here's the cooking rule: find good ingredients that stand on their own, match them with ones that you like equally as much, put them together and see what happens. You can't go too horribly wrong. Oh, also...never trust a woman who cannot cook. You'll thank me for this later in life sometime. Trust me. Also trust me when I tell you that this roasted garlic pesto cheese bread can and will some day make for world peace. It.is.that.GOOD!!!

After we soaked up some booze with some bread, it was time for a ride. The dirty girl gear didn't make it in the back of the car for nothing!

I am merely a guest on the trails, which leaves me behind following and eating dust. I'll do it any day. I love to ride, I forget and then I always remember once I get back on my bike.

I risk loosing my phone/camera on rides for pictures like these alone. It was every bit as peaceful as it looks.

30 things: day 26

Day 26 - what do you think about your friends.

I avoided this nearly as much as I avoided day 24. I used to count my wealth in the number of great friends I had. I was rich. I would now consider myself invested, but not wealthy.

You see, the pillars of some of my longest standing friendships, they crumbled this year. I could hem and haw about the reasons why or what could have been different, but I will reduce it down to a couple of things. People change. Grow. Grow up, grow apart, grow away. Where it was once the saddest day to see my childhood friends move states away and wonder how I could get by without them on a regular basis, it was years later a relief to cut off the tension and the doubt that had become our relationship. It wasn't overnight, it wasn't a snap decision, and we are both and all to blame. Too many hurt feelings, too many things unsaid but felt, too little consideration that friendship is a 2-way street. Friendship is a million little things, the little things are where you find your commonality, your kindred spirtness, your inside secrets, your laughs, your thoughts that count, your comfort. It's the little things that hold your friendship together. The little things fell away.

Enough crying over spilled friendships. It is what it is and what is meant to be will be. Maybe they'll come back around or maybe our curtain finally dropped after a slow fall.

But then...there are the new friends I've made in more recent years and more immediate times. The ones who don't know where I've come from or how I was when I was 8 or 17 or 25, but they know me now and they appreciate me now for what I am. In some ways, it's good to start fresh with someone who has a new perspective. They are the ones who see me in today's light despite my baggage. There are the few who are like family to me who still see me in light of my baggage. They have their own to carry, so they're not so worried about commenting on mine.

So what do I think about my friends? I think they are vast and different and I think they are always evolving and growing like we each are as people. As I typed, I checked my horoscope for today; 12/29/2011 and it read: "Don't worry about your friends misinterpreting you -- they always understand you." I believe that. I also believe that I will loose some more and gain some more and I think that I'll take it a day at a time.

30 things: Day 11

Day 11 - post another picture of you and your friends.

We had matching tank tops.
We had Jell-O shots
We had an idea.
We had poster board.
It.was.the.perfect.day.
There is strength in numbers.
People in parking lots with coolers of alcohol are easily influenced.
People in parking lots will do just about anything for a Jell-O shot.



This day is what we affectionately call one of THE BEST DAYS EVER!!! Seriously, it was. Kenny Chesney & Co. at AT&T park in the Summertime. We were so much fun, the other fans in the parking lot thought we were hired by the show to make it a real tailgate party. I can honestly say that I don't think there will ever be another day like this, but damn it, I'm sure glad I was there for this one!

30 things: Day 3

Day 3 - a picture of you and your friends.


"Is that a dress or a shirt?"
Las Vegas
October, 2009
This was a good trip, not the greatest trip, true colors were shown along with boobs and backsides. Vegas can make or break your friendship.

Also, parading up and down hotels and sidewalks, dancing, and standing in far too many lines in stupidly high heels can fracture your foot and/or toes. My right foot has never been the same. It can tell you when the rain is going to come.

Prost!

How to say "cheers" in German? Prost!!!

But you best say it with gusto and a beer stein!

Sitting at one of my frequent downtime spots on the globe, McCarren International in Las Vegas, NV, I am so glad I carved out 48 hours to come to see my friends from Germany get married in a small wedding chapel in polka dots and hot pink cumberbunds with an Elvis serenade and all. I hung out with old friends and made new ones. What a fabulous wedding and an even more fabulous couple. Their present was straight from my heart and my scrapbook studio.

A Beautiful Mess made with love for Mr. & Mrs. Frietag.

Dream the world! Live your dreams!

Beverley “Bev” Kaye Stehli
July 23, 1942 - July 5, 2010

Nearly 2 months ago, I meant to post this picture and write about my day with dear friend and mother-figure Bev, but I didn't. Other than the business of life, I don't know why I didn't. Subconciously, I suspect it was because she said something about her hair in the picture and I figured I would just hang on to the picture until the time was right. I'm so glad I took that warm day in May to go and see her.

Yellow, that's about the right color for my last memory of Bev. Despite the cancer and the chemo, she was glowing...having a light that next to nothing could extinguish. If you've ever met or seen anyone who smiled with their eyes, you know what I mean.

She was a lady who lived big, lived bold, and lived beautifully. She is the "old" lady I want to be when I get that age who had a young spirit and true zest for life. I don't think the phrase would be wasted on her by saying she had a lust for life.

Thank you Bev for teaching, sharing, and showing me about all the beautiful things in life. I appreciate the world at broad, travel, and beauty in the little things all around because you had such passion for them. Thank you for believing in me, you really did. Thank you for always asking me how I was, where I was going, what I had seen, how my family was, and reminding me to slow down and not work so much. Thank you for taking hula lessons with me on my maiden trip to Hawaii, for introducing me to the lagoons at Ko'Olina, for complimenting my passion for photography when it was in its infancy, for feeding my love of art through scrapbooking and sending me all those little treasures over the years to add to my growing hobby, for remembering me every Christmas in one way or the other, thank you for your laugh...oh your laugh that I will remember always, for your smile, for your hugs, for adopting me for so many family meals and vacations.

In an email dated this February 15th, she announced her big adventure to all her friends and family. Titled "My Big Adventure" it was the announcment that the cancer that had been so sneakily gone for 5 years, had metastecized to her brain. As was Bev, her email started by asking how everyone else was.

Dear Beloved Friends and Family,
How are you all doing? Hope that 2010’s challenges and obstacles are few and easily manageable. Be sure to celebrate each day….whatever it brings!

I am really, truly going to miss you and I am finding it hard to believe that you are gone. I'm am a better person for having known you and I will not forget you. I will remember you in sunsets, the ocean, beautiful Hawaiian melodies, and in all things purple.

As I was leaving that day, somewhere inside, I knew it was the last time I would see her. I have her a series of hugs and a kiss on the cheek. One of those kisses I used to give my grandmother, the same ones that I drop on my 90 year old Uncle Pete everytime I see him. I didn't see Bev a lot, but she would send the occasional email and it was comforting knowing that she was there, just a postcard away.

Her obituary, so perfectly written by her family, simply ended like this:
Dream the world! Live your dreams!

Umbrella, ella, ella...

In my quest to simplify and get my passion for life back, step 1 is that I've had to make some hard decisions about what is really important and what is going to matter in the end. When I say simplify, I mean across the board...getting rid of the toxic and time consuming things in my life from old t-shirts, bad habits, excuses, anger, resentment, and relationships. Some changes are permanent, some might just be temporary. I don't have it figured out yet.

I have learned some new things and been reminded of some old things as of late:

I'm not a fan of change.
I am the most sentimental of the sentimental fools. This is bad, but this also makes for an incredible scrapbooker.
I don't like being vulnerable. I hate it in fact.
I'm stubborn but I'm not impossible.
I wish I could forget more often.
I want to forgive more frequently.
Giving up and giving in is just a pit stop, not a destination.

Sometimes the other side of disappointment is relief.
Longevity is no reason to keep something or someone in your life.
People change for a reason.
It is true...people do forget what you do and what you say, but they don't forget how you made them feel.
I love you actually does mean having to say you're sorry, but true friends don't have to keep apologizing.
You can accept an apology but that doesn't mean that you have to keep letting the hurt continue.
Forgiveness really is never about the other person.

Time heals.

My newest favorite quote...and especially on this gloomy rain-filled day is:

"Friendship is like an umbrella. If you don't open up, you'll get rained on."
I think it stands true for all relationships and definitely those make or break moments in life. It's not that I would rather feel pain than feel nothing at all, but there is a fine line between gaining life experience and being reckless and gullible. I'm always in a revolving state of opening my umbrella and then finding out who my true friends are.

From a friend in Belgium that I've never met, she reminded me of something I told her not to long ago:
"Keep your chin up, that's where the sunshine is."

If there is one thing that all my time 30,000 feet up has proven, it is that no matter what it looks like from down on the ground, the sun is always shining out above the clouds.