You're gonna wish...

I am simply in awe of her, her talent, and her attitude about life.  

Never a victim.

Always with a voice.

Connected to her emotions. 

Conscious in her life. 

Simply herself

& 

better than ever.

You're gonna wish you never had met me. 

smile, breathe

Yoga 1 week later, same circumstances, didn't leave the house all day, it was hot outside, I was feeling down, but 10 minutes until it would have been too late to leave for class, I just convinced myself to go because it just does me so good (so, soo good) and Krista, well she is just such a great teacher it made my  decision that much easier.

It was 96..7…8...9* degrees outside on this June afternoon.
The room inside was just as hot.

Vinyasa, for all intensive purposes it means flow.

Imagine, move and hot, move in hot, then move and hot, and then more move in hot: 

an imagine puddle of sweat was happening.

It started quickly and progressed from a plop..plop..plop, to a constant stream. 

 My mind chuckled recalling wanting to be in a pool just the other day and realizing that I got my wish:

I was in a pool...of my own sweat.

Krista, she told a story to set the intention for the class - she spent the earlier part of her afternoon in the Mission District, and having to use the restroom, found the closest one in a seedy bar a few doors down the block. The bathroom walls covered in ink and graffiti, the messages scrawled not to be repeated in class save one: Smile, you never know it might change someone else's day.

I haven't been smiling a lot, really at all.

I took that message as personal and to heart.

Another reminder: with the good, the bad, the ugly, let it all out, get through it, open your heart.

"Bow to your practice, bow to your friends,

and from an old lady, when you find real, genuine friends, keep them."

Oh that message, the message of clinging to, treasuring, and holding your friends close,

that one spoke straight to the heart of me.

It was a really tough class. I felt really strong and then I felt really weak.
It was a battle, but that was fine today because warrior pose is my favorite

and there was a lot of warrior flow today.

Standing there, feet planted intentionally, arms outstretched, staring down my arm towards my fingertips like I was staring down barrel of a gun, watching the sweat glisten off my arm, over my shoulder, past the tattoos, rolling to my forearm, and then dripping down off my elbow onto the floor.

I felt strong standing there like that.

As we came to the end, she said this is a special class "my lambs, because this is my last for this time slot."

I sunk a little bit.

She said "it's too hot and I am too old to keep teaching in this hot of a class, my mother was younger than me when she passed and I have to listen to my body."

I can understand that.

When I looked up, I noticed 3 or 4 other women crying, and I know what that feels like,

'cause I come to yoga for the same reasons they do.

Much to our comfort and to stop our tears, Krista assured us she would still be teaching Sunday, Mellow Flow. Church Flow, that's what she calls it, and that's what I call it too.
It'll go on, they'll be another great teacher for the midafternoon class and I'll keep going to Church Flow,

but just when I thought this class would be an easy go of it, it never is.

Be with your breath.

Just keeps reminding me of the birthday present that I am going to get and all of the moments in life when you have to remember to breath, and that really if you can't breath, you can't live.

If you're heart stops beating, your lungs stop pumping.
Even while you're heart can still pump, your lungs can stop breathing and although we've found ways to work around that, lack of breath is lack of life.

It's the painful and deliberate consideration of compassion family members have to make when they have loved ones at the end. Do we let them live on machines?
What kind of quality of life is that?
We've had those conversations in my family,
more frequently now as the older generation continues to get older

Very, very recently, I know what the pain of that decision looks like, what it feels like, what it does to a family. The decision to "unhook" the machines and let the last few breaths come
slow, unsteady, but natural until the last one.

I hear the words echo in my head from a memorial service I just attended a few weeks prior:

"It was my privilege to be there for my precious baby to take her first breath, and it was my privilege to be there, on Mother's Day, to hold her in my arms as she took her last."

The end of breath is the end of life.

Well, life here, in this body, as we know it tangibly.

Still thinking, of all the times you're nervous and someone said to you, your mom,
your coach, your trainer, your best friend "just take a deep breath"

All those times I've said it, hundreds.of.thousands.of.times now over the.course.of.my.10-year.career:
"just take a deep breath"
"just calm down and then answer me"
"just remind them to breathe"
"are they breathing?"
"can you feel, see, or hear any breath coming out?"
"just keep monitoring their breathing and let me know if anything changes"

Labor, bringing life into the world, what do they teach you?

Breathe, you have to breathe, breathe through the contraction, breathe through the pain.

So any question I had about my birthday present has been put to rest.

Just breathe.

Smile and just breathe.

Why Georgia Why?

Four more exits to my apartment but
I am tempted to keep the car in drive
and leave it all behind

Cause I wonder sometimes
about the outcome
of a still verdictless life

Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Why, why Georgia, why?

I rent a room and I fill the spaces with
wood in places to make it feel like home
but all I feel's alone
It might be a quarter life crisis
or just the stirring in my soul

Either way, I wonder sometimes
about the outcome
of a still verdictless life

Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Why, why Georgia, why?

So what, so I've got a smile on me
but it's hiding the quiet superstitions in my head
Don't believe me
Don't believe me
When I say I've got it down

Everybody is just a stranger but
that's the danger in going my own way
I guess it's the price I have to pay
still "Everything happens for a reason"
is no reason not to ask myself

If I'm living it right
Am I living it right?
Why, tell me why
Why, why Georgia why?


~ John Mayer 

God knows I'm tough enough

It is a struggle for me right now to not to cannibalize myself with introspection.  It applies to everything I feel, see, hear...I find myself just reminding myself to breathe.  It's a whisper...just breathe, just breathe, just breathe. 


Sitting here catching up on email, checking up on my friends, debating if there's anything else to say that I didn't say two days ago, forcing myself to get out of bed for the day after finally getting some sleep.  The wind is eerie, it's too quiet in this house.  For all those years, I just wanted my own space, I just wanted to be able to think without interruption, now it's too quiet. It's lonely quiet. Just the clacking of the keyboard that sits on my lap and the clacking of the dog's nails on the hardwood floor.  Thank God for her, she keeps the best company, I love that dog.


That small, quiet voice inside me said, "turn on the music Lauren"... After all, I made a pledge to make it my best friend again.  Music has saved me so many times.  I forgot about it, but I wrote a speech on the power of music in college.  I got an A.  It wasn't hard to talk about, it wasn't hard to bring the audience into my enthusiasm I had for it.   What exactly did I say?  I don't know, but whatever it was, it worked.  


So here I am, trying to find some balance in my mind, and then {this Jason Mraz song} comes on. I've heard it here and there for the last few months.  It's beautiful, not over orchestrated.  The first time I heard it I was in my bedroom putting away clothes, it came floating out over the speakers that are in the bathroom - yes, I put speakers in the bathroom for one reason and one reason alone - singing in the shower.  It's awesome, but I digress.  As soon as I heard it, I knew that this song would make the list.  To my ears, it was love at first sound.  


Despite the title of this song, it's not a song about broken or empty promises, trying to desperately breathe life into a love lost, falling in love with a dream, or wishing on shooting stars. I picked out the lyrics that spoke to me.  Just me individually.

I Won't Give Up On Us

Hmmmm ... Hmmmm ... Hmmmm ... Hmmm ...


When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
There's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?


I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up


And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find


'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up


I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am


I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Still looking up.


I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)
God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)


I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

How old is my soul?  Older than it should be? Maybe not.  I've heard this time and time again for years now.  "You have an old soul."  I don't always know what that means, but I know it's a compliment.  I know that when I tell people that about myself, they smile back at me, and the ones that have their own old soul, it's unspoken between us.  The smile that you get in your eyes that says "Yeah, I got it, I got you." 

I am still looking Up.  I am.  I always know I can, even when I'm doing my own navigating and I find myself lost.  Trust.  It's my biggest struggle.  Trust that I'm doing the right thing, that I'm headed in the right direction, that the things I need to do that petrify me I can do if I trust enough.  Trust that things happen for a reason, that they end up the way they were always supposed to, that some day it will all make sense.  

Navigating - its a shitstorm out there sometimes.  Ultimately, I have to do it all on my own, I have to be happy and content in myself, with myself.  I think that's why so many relationships fall apart, dependence on someone else to make you happy.  Navigating comes easier by the way of family, good friends, confidants, people that you can relate to, that let you know you're not the only one out there trying to find the way.  That's where words hold their power, where writers who can express emotion by way of a phrase can make words simply priceless.  That's where lyrics speak louder than anything.  The "ah-ha!" moments when you hear something that speaks to everything you're feeling and thinking that you thought no one else could relate to.  

We do have a lot to learn - and by we, I mean I.  I have a lot to learn.  The older I get, the less I know.  The more I think I know, the more I get proven wrong.  I'm learning something right now.  I don't know what it is.  It hurts whatever it is.  It's numb sometimes, overwhelming other times, it comes out in tears, in sobs, in distance stares out of the window.  

And in the end you're still my friend.  This is the one lyric that is not about me.  And when you read this, and you will, it is everything about you.  In the end, we will always be friends.  It's a friendship that is always evolving.  Not static.  It's already changed so much, it simply can't be what it was before, but it will always be there.  Even when there are no words between us, there's that quiet confidence that I know that we will always be friends.  If you sense that someone is thinking about you and hoping you're safe, and happy, that'll be me, even if you don't hear me say it.  All the lost navigating that you saw me through, listened  to me wonder about, gave me advice on which way to steer the rudder, unassuming, I don't think either one of us knew it at the time, but you were exactly what I needed.  I don't know if I can repay the favor.  I know true friendship doesn't keep tabs, and that's not what this is about.  I can't be the friend that you need me to be right now though, and that makes me hurt.    It makes me hurt because I know I should be there to listen to you now.  I should be able to tell you that things you're terrified about, you shouldn't be.  I should be able to tell you that it'll all work out the way it's supposed to.  That sometimes it's not about taking the risk, or finding out if it's worth it in the end, but it's what you learn about it in the in between, in the journey of taking a risk on something that is terrifying.  I should tell you that when it comes down to it, listen to your heart.  I should ask you to promise me that whatever happens, you won't settle for being underwhelmed.  Don't take the easy way out.  Don't settle for anything less than butterflies.  Take the best piece of advice I have when it comes to these things that are terrifying.  Find someone who knows your dark secrets, doesn't think twice about your imperfections, accepts you for everything you have been, everything  you are, and everything you're yet to be.  Don't "settle" until you find that person who you can be completely, comfortably yourself with.  The person who makes you want to be the best you that you can be.  Promise me that?  Please?

Learn how to bend without the world caving in

I had to learn what I've got

And what I'm not

And who I am   I'm tenacious.  Despite this never ending stream of tears, I don't break easily.  I know who I am.  I know who I'm not.  I know what I want out of this life.  I know  what I won't compromise.  Despite knowing all those things, there is still a lot for me to learn.  I used to call myself broken and hollow.  I was never broken, I was just bent.  Finding something that you can bend without breaking it, finding someone that can bend along with you without breaking what relationship you have...I'm learning these things the hard way in the last few years.  I'm learning what  is truly important.  I'm learning what the consequences are for not setting boundaries, not putting myself first, and I'm learning about timing.  Timing is just another adjective for trust.  Trust, like love, is a verb.  

God knows I'm tough enough - this one should speak for itself.  They say that God doesn't give you more than you can handle.  Right now I know of people who have been given more than their fair share.  But that's from my perspective.  Children should not leave this life before their parents do.  No one should get cancer, especially those who still have their entire lives ahead of them.  When I stop the spinning top that's spinning inside my head and consider them, it helps put things in perspective.  It's so hard to focus on what I think I don't have, what I'm missing, what I want desperately, that I forget to stop and appreciate what I do have (another just breathe moment) and be thankful and grateful for that.  For the mounds of things that I've amassed over the years, for the whittling down of acquaintances to true, lifelong friends, for a family that loves me, for a job that I love to hate but still pays my bills and keeps me healthy, for not doing what I'm most passionate about anymore, but knowing that it's out there still and when I find it, it will mean that much more to me.  

It's taken me the better part of 2 hours to write this.  I've listened to this track at least twenty times.  The tears have finally stopped.  I'm breathing without a reminder.  I'm not entirely numb.  If you've managed to make it to the end of this post with me, thank you.  Thank you for reading.   Thank you for taking the time.  Thank you for being my audience, whoever you are.  I find peace and solace in breathing life into my words.  Into putting my heart, my dreams, my hurt out into the world, outside of myself to be seen.  It's not always easy, but it's one of the things that saves me.  It's the vulnerability that makes me stronger.   

back in the saddle

Hot Yoga ...it is my church these days.

Unlike church, spandex and piled high hair is the outfit and showing off your tattoos is the way to make friends with your neighbors, not turn them off.  Body art is the norm, it is the expression of you.  In this setting, it is a conversation piece and a nod of approval.

I go for my mind, for my body, and when I most expect it and when I least expect it, I end up being there because my heart needs it the most.  It's hard these days to quiet your mind, to focus on anything.  It's hard to be still and quiet enough to hear the sound of your own breathing, of the sound of your own life.  I go for the quiet, for the dim light of the room, for the escape from the cell phone, for the heat, for the pressure, for the encouragement, for the practice of doing something simply for me.

In a slippy towel/downward dog "incident", I injured my shoulder in class about two months ago and hadn't been back until today.  Interesting that my yoga, my practice, my church was missing from my life for the last two months, and oh so much has happened in that time frame.  When I stepped into the candlelit room, I instantly knew that every little bit of the Scarlett O'Hara that told me to get up, get dressed, stop moping around, and get back in the yoga saddle, was right.  My inner Scarlett O'Hara knows what's up and she doesn't mess around.

(My picture of the day: the yoga scene in the middle of the room, it brings a soft focus to my practice)


The teacher, Krista, when she turned around, smiled at me, walked right over, told me how good it was to see me, and then she gave me a hug - a real, genuine hug, a lingering "embrace" - dare I say she held me? Dare I say I haven't been given a hug like that in a long time? I remember a hug from last Summer in a humid driveway that lingered, I've replayed that one in my head many times over.  I remember an embrace from last month in a church before the start of a memorial service by a man who I looked up to as a father figure who simply held me close and through choked up words thanked me for always holding his daughter near and speaking her name freely. I remember two years ago almost exactly, my father holding me tight in the living room of our shared house after I blew my lid for the umpteenth time and stood my ground about how our relationship was spiraling down and out of control and he promised me that he'd work on it. Hugs, embraces, being held, they don't come often or freely in my world.  Sad?  Maybe.  At least I'm not clueless to it.  Note to self: work on that.

It occurred to me after class, as I sat sweaty in my car how much we need human touch and that it's ok to need it.  It's ok to be someone that needs, it's not a sign of weakness, it's a sign of strength.  Holding everyone at bay, the world at bay, an arm's length away, it not right, its not healthy, its not love, its not life.  I had this exact conversation with a friend the other day about how it's ok to need someone else, their love, their strength, their touch.  There is a difference between being needy and needing someone.  The lines get blurry, but the need to be held should never be criticized.

There are always a series of mantras, reminders repeated throughout the class:

"Why are you here?"
"Remember your breath"
"Soften - listen to all those parts of your body of your mind that you need to soften and let them"
"Let go of that which does not serve you"

My mind wandered, and it came back, and it wandered, and it came back again...I was sweaty and hurting and not able to keep my balance, out of practice, and out of step, struggling to maintain my composure, forgetting to breathe. Not unlike how my life has waxed and waned over the last few years.  But I kept on going, breaking when I needed to, catching my breath face down in the mat, coming up to laugh at myself when I looked back down again and my own Shroud of Turin was painted in sweat -  the outline of my face soaked into my orange yoga towel - eyes, nostrils, big exhaling lips, and the outline of my heart shaped face, all in a sweaty shilouette.  Even in struggle, sweat, and self-reflection, there is always humor.  Always.

Finally towards the end of class, in pigeon pose, which I am paying for dearly, and with this hauntingly beautiful song reverberating off the walls, I let it go. I let it all out.  This song was another "love at first sound" song - another piece of music that moved me instantly.  Just a few notes in, I found myself not quite sobbing, but face down into my forearms, choking on my breath.  I just cried.  "Let go of all that does not serve you" echoing quietly in my mind.  I knew what was not serving me, what was taking up my thoughts and my worries and my fears.  I knew that I had to do something about it.  I knew that it wouldn't be easy and that something had changed.  Call it intuition, but I knew that I had to "let it go".

So, skipping the grocery store, and the to-do list for the night at home with a good friend, I ended up still sweaty in my yoga clothes, in front of my computer, unintentionally, but knowing that it would not be a short hello, and started the conversation of what I knew would end up being some kind of letting go.  THE conversation as it's been so aptly named.

Had I have not gone to class, I might still be needing to have that conversation, but having gone to class, it was a reminder that I have to be in the practice of letting go that which does not serve me.  Fear, anxiety, words unspoken, hate, loss, curiosity, unanswered questions, regrets, remorse, I have to let them out.  I have to let them go if they're ever going to be replaced by things that are their opposite - bravery, calm, peace of mind, love, clarity, thankfulness, and forgiveness.

I don't think we are ever truly rid of the people that come into our lives.  I don't think that I've seen the end of that conversation.  I don't think that you can be impacted by someone and forget about them. Even if they leave this life - like my sweet Catie girl.  I will always remember her for all the sweet, quiet, calm lessons she taught us all every single day.  But in this moment, with the current circumstances, there are something that I have to let go.   They do not serve me now.  They may serve me down the road when there's more time, more clarity, more peace - when trust proves that I did the right thing by listening to my sweating, sobbing, distractedly clear heart.

"Let go of that which does not serve you."

give thanks and good night

Right now at just after 5am, I am choosing to be thankful for:

*10 hours of overtime even though I had to give up part of my great weekend & had to stay up later than I planned to.
*the realization that despite temporary heartache and an anxious anticipation of losing touch with my daily "someone", my fears turned out to actually be a nice reprieve from my daily "confusion"........ "I can see clearly now the rain is gone..."

I'm thankful for:
*good food
*good weather
*good friends
*good family
*a place to call home, just mine alone, where there is peace & quiet & a place to lay my head
*finally, I am glad that in this moment, I am going to sleep with a happy heart & a peaceful mind

Goodnight my friends

Free Fallin'

This song...an open road...an open itinerary...a warm breeze...great company...moonlight or a sunset...

It's not too much for a girl to ask, is it?

I wanna free fall, out into nothin'

Gonna leave this, world for a while

Follow Your Heart

I'm not one for letting the cosmos dictate the course of my life, but I read them now and then and sometimes they echo what is happening in my head and my heart:

Gemini Daily Extended Horoscope for May 17, 2012
Your goals, your wishes and your hopes are your own -- you cannot let them be defined by pressures from other people, especially your boss. If you aren't hungry for that corner office, then why pretend that you are? The extra effort will only make you miserable, and there will be no payoff at the end. Remind yourself why you chose the path you chose, and stop focusing so much on a dollar figure. Happiness has nothing to do with a paycheck. It has to do with following your heart.

it is well with my soul (my picture perfect weekend)

And so...it was that time again. Time to go a little North & then a little East. It was time to take a roadtrip. A long and overdue one to the mountains, where the air is cleaner, the trees are taller, the friends are more like family, and I can just be me. Clumsy, carefree, passionate, confused, heartbroken, happy, sad, hungry, tired, beautifully messily me. Few places in this world exist where that can happen. I treasure the places where that exists.

 Into the car I went...riding gear, snacks, CDs, a few changes of clothes, a good book, a head that needed some clearing and the sunroof back was just the way to get rid of all those thoughts that haunt me and do me no good. I always do my best thinking in the car. It is my refuge. It is one of those safe places that I cherish. It's just mine, I decide where we go together, it has always kept me safe, & it keeps my secrets too.

(He's not cheap, but he's dependable, and worth every dollar..& arm & leg! ouch!)

(the gear I packed: how dirty girls get it done)

(I arrived just in time for dinner and to make some of my new favorite Vegan Blueberry Lemon Chia Seed muffins for breakfast for the next few days)

(and then after a long drive and some dinner, the brightest full moon of the year wished us all a good night)

When we awoke, Sunday had come upon us......75* of sunny Sunday blissfulness. Waffles on the back porch turned into beers on the back porch before the crack of noon. We had a goal. Drink, talk, tan, do nothing else.

.....Shock Top (well the bottom of my bottle that is.  Which simply did not do...it was quickly replaced)

.....THE lawn.  I love this lawn.  The end.  You will soon know why.

.....the Couple I <3. I think this picture says it all. Gary & Patti met in wildland fire academy 20+ years ago. Much to the disdain of her nerves, he likes to clean up the property on the weekends. Her inner firefighter cannot be contained. He came up from the burn and grabbed an extinguisher, she followed (in flip flops) with a hose. I grabbed my phone/camera, cause calling for resources and documentation is what I do. I love this new picture of them. It about sums it up. I love their relationship. It gives me hope.

You can only drink so much before you get hungry, and there was pesto to be made. Two drunk women, one incorrigible food processor, and handful of ingredients = perfection. Recipes? Naw. Not this girl. Here's the cooking rule: find good ingredients that stand on their own, match them with ones that you like equally as much, put them together and see what happens. You can't go too horribly wrong. Oh, also...never trust a woman who cannot cook. You'll thank me for this later in life sometime. Trust me. Also trust me when I tell you that this roasted garlic pesto cheese bread can and will some day make for world peace. It.is.that.GOOD!!!

After we soaked up some booze with some bread, it was time for a ride. The dirty girl gear didn't make it in the back of the car for nothing!

I am merely a guest on the trails, which leaves me behind following and eating dust. I'll do it any day. I love to ride, I forget and then I always remember once I get back on my bike.

I risk loosing my phone/camera on rides for pictures like these alone. It was every bit as peaceful as it looks.

30 things: Day 20

Day 20- someone you see yourself marrying or being with in the future.

I was commiserating with myself last week and trying to figure out where the hell "I" went, it struck me that before I was doing this online blog thing for the entire world to see, I wrote in a journal on a regular basis for just me to see. Even though it sits next to my bed, I haven't cracked the cover of that thing in ages, but oh some things just haven't changed. I was 25 when I wrote all this down in this journal. 25 is a helluva lot different than 30...or so I think.

In the first few pages of this journal called "hope" I wrote down all my answers to a quiz that I found somewhere online. It was a writing exercise to list all the things you wanted in a partner. Five years later and nothing has changed. Nothing. I am actually so surprised to read back at how convicted I was about what I wrote then and how it is what I really, really still want now. Now more than ever.

To quote 25 year old Lauren from 03/24/2007:

"This is a good article. It reminded me to put my priorities in perspective and remember what I used to dream about before my dreams started turning into my emotional nightmares via late night phone calls and text messages. What I want is no more special than what a lot of people want. It's realistic. I want to be loved by someone who wants to be with me and only be just because we are meant to be..."

The "Musts"
want to get married
want to have children
have similar religious beliefs, understand it's impact, and believe in God
be financially stable or working towards it
be affectionate
be supportive with similar life goals

the "Very Importants"
knowing I'm happy is enough to make him happy
a homeowner or working on it
has some plans for retirement/future
remembers to say "I love you"
takes care physically
appreciates the small things in life
understands being educated - even if its mostly life experience and not from a textbook
appreciates my big family
doesn't put work first all the time
open to suggestion and able to communicate
has a sense of humor and makes me laugh and smile

the "wouldn't it be nice ifs"
he was mechanical and could fix it all
spoke another language
was the guy who knew a little bit about everything
had a big family too
his smile knocked me off my feet
his arms wrapped around me forever
was good to his mom, sisters, aunts, and all the women in his life without being told or feeling insecure about it
if he was the guy from this Trisha Yearwood song

That's it. That's not too much to ask is it? I didn't think so.

<3 <3 <3

:)

30 things: Day 1

Day 1- recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself.


{January, 2011 @ The Tilted Kilt in San Diego...I was very, very "tilted". The picture will remain sideways because that's how things went that night and into the next day. A bagel, a salad, and 16 vodka/tonics with extra lime. Well, 8 doubles, but that makes 16 in my book and awholelottalime. I've had never thrown up in a public bathroom.....until that night. I had also never thrown up in a bag in a a rental car in the middle of Balboa Park at 2pm in front of three of my co-workers. Score one for getting older and wiser. Not. PS, that's Nicole, she's one of my new, best friends. I couldn't have recovered without her. We were friends before, but now I know I can really, really count on her. I owe her big time. Big time!}


1) I love zombie movies
2) I have 2 middle names: Deborah & Rebecca
3) I've owned 9 cats in my lifetime, all but 1 have died, gotten eaten, or run away. I've been trying to be the "cat lady" all my life.
4) I have a list of girl baby names that I love somewhere in a journal. Coincidentally, they all end in "a".
5) The National Anthem always gives me the chills.
6) I'm really afraid of getting cancer, but if I should suffer such misfortune, I'll get a tattoo on my bald head.
{Karma: as I typed this, I got this notification in my inbox:
I am pleased to inform you that your recent Pap
screening test for cervical cancer was normal.}
Most excellent news.
7) My hair has been falling out since I was 18. I've concluded that it's hereditary. Sometimes it comes back, sometimes it doesn't. I am always self concious about. That is part of why I don't date on a regular basis.
8) I love mushrooms.
9) Country music puts me at ease. I cannot deny it.
10) I grew up in a cult until I wes 13 years old. You would hardly believe the stories I have from my childhood. Being a functioning adult is one of the biggest accomplishments in my life considering the way I could have gone. My parents are to credit and to blame for both of those things.
11) I bought my childhood home when I was 23 years old. Finacially sound, mentally and socially one of the worst decisions of my life. The house came with family members, pets, damage, and other type baggage.
12) The theme song from Unsolved Mysteries is just about enough to make me hide under the covers and cry. I was scared to death as a child by those stories ALL the time.
13) I'm always warmer than everyone else. It takes a lot for me to get cold.
14) I'm pretty good at reading people. It's probably because I don't trust a lot of them. I guess between #10 up there and what I do for a living, I can't help but feel like that and know when someone is trying to bamboozle me or someone that I love. On the other hand, I'm pretty good at picking out the genuine ones.
15) I'm kind of like a baby. When I want to throw a temper tantrum and shit all over the people around me, I get in my car and drive. Fast or slow. I drive and scream. I drive and vent. I drive and cry. I just get in the car and it usually rocks me back to sanity. That's the plain truth.

January 28, 2011

today...
2 lovely people got engaged
1 Mother, Grandmother, and GreatGrandma died unexpectedly
2 other lovely young people told their families they were going to have their first baby

It was just another day for me...appointments, phone calls, catching up with friends, lamenting over personality conflicts, working overtime, always doing something despite wanting to do nothing. I find myself always saying yes, but never feeling like I make any committments, especially to myself. I stepped on the doctor's dreaded scale this morning and got a rude awakening. I talked to the Dr about the health concerns and time and again and said that I didn't need the information on how to change, just the motivation. Really, I do know how to get it done, I just haven't been scared or disgusted into submission yet.

I see that list up above and think this:
I wouldn't agree to marry anyone unless I lost at least 65 lbs. Shit, I don't want to go meet the online guy for coffee until I loose 10 lbs not to mention the 7 I gained in the last 2 weeks.
I already feel like and old lady and I wonder how much longer I can push the envelope with my health as it is now. Overweight, high cholesterol, high blood pressure...yeah, I'm not f*ing around when I mean pushing the envelope.
I have spent more time trying not to get pregnant in my 20's than trying to and planning the day when I am going to drop news like that on my family seems like a different lifetime. (see excuse #1) Really, people with my health shouldn't even be "with child".

Now, I see the second list and despite the numbers and the feelings it really doesn't impact me like it should. Get up off the couch, Lauren. Go walk the dog, Lauren. Eat an apple instead, Lauren. Why are you paying a monthly gym fee if you haven't been to the gym in almost 2 years, Lauren?

God, what is wrong with me? I don't know when I settled for being malcontent and just lazy. Ugh, maybe this is it. Maybe I am disgusted seeing this in writing right now. What am I waiting for? The scale to tip to The Biggest Loser qualifications number? Maybe when my fingers are too fat to type or write excuses anymore, I might take notice? I'm such an American right now, geeze!

You out there...yeah, you. Don't talk me down from this. Just let me be disgusted. I need to be disgusted. I've got too much left on that bucket list to do...way too much. I want to be that lovely engaged person, and then then lovely having a baby person, and then that lovely lived a long, happy, family filled, died an old, sassy lady kind of life person.

I'm so over myself right now. See this, yeah #9, I really don't think I can swallow having another year go by and not being completly comfortable in my own skin. I just can't do it. I think I need to make a commitment to me. I need to be engaged to me. It's decided. Tomorrow, I'm going to ask me to be with me forever.

And then...I'm gonna walk the dog .

thought of the day

So, this is it, huh? This is life?

Plotting my course...

Ten to five-am, July 25th...Summer whizzing by, highlighted map in front of me on my console, iPod pumping out tunes, high on home made crock pot peach cobbler that cooked right here in dispatch at the beginning of the shift, trying to figure out how far Boise is from the Lolo National Forest and what there is to actually see in Montana besides Big Sky. It looks so close together on paper, the state lines aren't really that far apart, but I think they might actually be. Would it matter though? Four corners, Yellowstone, the Mile High City, the Grand Canyon, Lebanon, KS...by the end of August, I'll have 18 states to go and I'm that much closer to completing #24 from my Bucket List.

"(S)he's racing and pacing and plotting the course...she's going the distance."

In our last long conversation in May, Bev asked me "You're such an adventurer, wow do you decide where you're going next? Or do you just let the wind blow you in the direction you're supposed to go?"

I'm listening to the wind Bev, I'm letting it push me in the direction I'm supposed end up.

Dream the world. Live your dreams. Live big. Live bold. Live beautifully.

The Buried LIfe

I don't know how I missed this show The Buried Life. Four Canadian guys in their 20's travelling in a bus with a list of 100 things they want to do before they die; in the process encouraging other people think about their lists and helping them along the way. Seems like there are a lot of people in my general age bracket doing stuipid shit to get noticed for their 15 minutes of fame. The power to make a positive influence really starts with individuals, regular people who believe in their own dreams. From what I've seen, these guys are just super cool dudes who decided to do what we all say we'll do "some day".

It got me to thinking, what is really on my list? Really, really on my list, not just "oh yeah, it would be nice to do that someday..." I'm 28, I've been able to do and see more than most just in the last few years of travelling and taking a risks on new people and unfamiliar situations, but that's not enough.

Sometimes I feel like I just started to figure out how to really start living my own life. I have been existing and experiencing, but sometimes running just on auto-pilot as a means of survival and defense. But then I step back and realize that I'm 28 and I've figured out how to start living...

My bucket list:

1. write a book/get published
2. get my bachelor's degree
3. learn how to surf
4. speak a foreign language
5. be a mom
6. marry my best friend
7. adopt
8. be in the right place at the right time
9. look better at 30, 35, and 40 than I've ever looked before
10. Run a marathon, yes 26.2 miles
11. change someone's life
12. set foot on all 7 continents
13. life in a foreign country for at least 6 months
14. learn how to fly
15. own a ranch
16. adopt a dog
17. fall in love
18. donate blood
19. get a tattoo in a foreign country
20. build a house for someone
21. pay off all my debt
22. learn how to play the guitar
23. make money as a photographer
24. go to all 50 states before I turn 30 (scratch that, lets call it 50 before 50)
25. volunteer at an animal shelter
26. serve dinner to the homeless on Thanksgiving and on Christmas
27. sell my own art
28. put in my own kitchen floor  (I paid for a new one, we'll call it good)
29. camp in the snow
30. disconnect for an entire week - no phones, no tv, no recorded music, no computer
31. win a lottery
32. learn how to drive a stick shift
33. sing the blues. in public.
34. do 15 1-handed pushups
35. run for public office
36. be in a rally or a protest
37. be present for a historical event
38. have a 6-pack (and not the alcoholic kind)
39. attend a taping of the Ellen show
40. own a horse
41. Meet Mike Rowe from Dirty Jobs
42. Own my own business
43. Learn how to shoot
44. teach someone how to read
45. attend a Red Sox vs. Yankees game on July 4th
46. write an article for a travel magazine
47. meet my family living in the Phillipines
48. drive up the East Coast
49. be in 2 places at once
50. be an orginal
52. be a volunteer at a senior center to just read, listen, acknowledge a generation of people with stories about all the things they did and didn't get to do on their own bucket list
52. compete in a dance competition
53. climb a mountain
54. find my life's passion
55. fly in a hot air ballon
56. throw a mega party so big that I could even invite the people that I only kind-of like
57. go to a cherry blossom festival in Japan (ok, or Washington DC)
58. walk along the Great Wall of China
59. live in a house that has at least 1 brick wall
60. swim with sharks (sharks are one of my ultimate fears in this entire world, I hate them, they make me sweat just thinking about them)
61. fly in a helicopter
62. bury all my hatchets
63. speak in front of a large crowd of at least 10,000
64. attend the olympic games
65. experience a thunderstorm in a wide open place
66. visit the Pyramids
67. visit Ireland, find out where my Grandfather came from
68. learn how to sail
69. be a teacher
70. go to a black tie event or a ball
71. compose a song
72. tell everyone that I love that I love them (I can't even type this without tearing up. I need to do this.)
73. audition for The Amazing Race
74. ride on an elephant
75. anonymously buy a stranger a meal, pay for a bridge toll, or pay for their groceries
76. walk in someone else's shoes
77. start fresh somewhere new
78. take an entire trip on a train
79. go to the Kentucky Derby at Churchill Downes wearing a big, huge, floppy hat.
80. take an entire trip by kayak, camping along the shore


I'm a work in progress...so I am leaving room for improvment between here and 100.

99. give my parents something they could never give me
100. live big, live bold, live breathtakingly

Umbrella, ella, ella...

In my quest to simplify and get my passion for life back, step 1 is that I've had to make some hard decisions about what is really important and what is going to matter in the end. When I say simplify, I mean across the board...getting rid of the toxic and time consuming things in my life from old t-shirts, bad habits, excuses, anger, resentment, and relationships. Some changes are permanent, some might just be temporary. I don't have it figured out yet.

I have learned some new things and been reminded of some old things as of late:

I'm not a fan of change.
I am the most sentimental of the sentimental fools. This is bad, but this also makes for an incredible scrapbooker.
I don't like being vulnerable. I hate it in fact.
I'm stubborn but I'm not impossible.
I wish I could forget more often.
I want to forgive more frequently.
Giving up and giving in is just a pit stop, not a destination.

Sometimes the other side of disappointment is relief.
Longevity is no reason to keep something or someone in your life.
People change for a reason.
It is true...people do forget what you do and what you say, but they don't forget how you made them feel.
I love you actually does mean having to say you're sorry, but true friends don't have to keep apologizing.
You can accept an apology but that doesn't mean that you have to keep letting the hurt continue.
Forgiveness really is never about the other person.

Time heals.

My newest favorite quote...and especially on this gloomy rain-filled day is:

"Friendship is like an umbrella. If you don't open up, you'll get rained on."
I think it stands true for all relationships and definitely those make or break moments in life. It's not that I would rather feel pain than feel nothing at all, but there is a fine line between gaining life experience and being reckless and gullible. I'm always in a revolving state of opening my umbrella and then finding out who my true friends are.

From a friend in Belgium that I've never met, she reminded me of something I told her not to long ago:
"Keep your chin up, that's where the sunshine is."

If there is one thing that all my time 30,000 feet up has proven, it is that no matter what it looks like from down on the ground, the sun is always shining out above the clouds.

She's so passionate!!!

I decided last Sunday that I am living a passionless existence. I have been having that thought but then reading a sentence in some guy's match.com 2000 character minimum self-description about finding the one who he wanted to wake up to every morning just about pushed me over the edge. It's only about 1 in every 30 profiles that even catch my attention, so this guy was even ahead of the pack and not that bad looking but then I instinctively rolled my eyes at it anyways. I do that a lot. Then...the thought came. "What the fuck happened to you?" God, I remember day dreaming about cutesy romantical things. I remember daydreaming about my dream career. I remeber having goals. I remember painting a picture in my head of the life I really wanted and the person I wanted to be.

Fast approaching the ripe age of 29 might be partially to blame, but there are many more factors. Yes, there are things that I really like, and a few things I really love, but sometimes I just feel dead inside. I used to get called "passionate" about my response to things and it would piss me off but at least I was passionate about something and then I was more passionate about being called passionate. I don't really get called anything anymore (well at least to my face) and even that doesn't seem to phase me. I think I have died inside.

I go from trip to trip and event to event sometimes without enough time to catch my breath. Then there are the days when I stop so long, I can't convince myself to get out of bed before the crack of 3pm. I know, I might seem bi-polar in the last few posts about loving my travelling life one day and then hating everything in the world the next, but at least I see my own extremes. I do have a sincere love of going places and seeing new things...finding a place on the highway with a double yellow line, a good tune, and just my own thoughts is my ideal place to relax, but I think that the constant going is just my excuse to get away from the things that I am missing in my life. Missing because I want them, not because society's timeline says they should be there.

I think that the phase where the coolness of the things I accomplished in my early 20's is long since gone. Someone at work called me "the oldest of the 20-somethings in the department" a few weeks ago. A) what the fuck does that even have to do with anything? and B) what the fuck does that even have to do with anything? How is that a reference point for anything? The things I accomplished at 23 were fucking cool for 23...but part of the joy of getting those things checked off the list was being ignorant enough to think that was going to carry me further than it obviously has. I guess I've come to realize that the goals you set in life are braggable only until you've reached them and then you had better get your shit together and find another one to challenge yourself with again. Life doesn't end once you've bought a house, found something that pays you for both your time and your medical expenses, and you've squirted out a kid or adopted one from China. Maybe that's why marathon runners seems so cool. They are always pushing themselves to run faster and farther. They keep setting new goals and improving on their own performance. They're not only in competition to the world around them, but they're in competition to be the best version of their athletic self. That and some of them just have screamin' bodies!

I got kind of drunk last night and in my buzz-ed-ness, my friend Kelly told me she wished I got drunk more often because that's when I really speak my mind. Well damn! I thought I did on a regular basis. Apparently, there is a filter left. See now where's that girl when you need her? The one who has a strong opinion left and isn't satisfied with just throwing in the gloves and sitting quietly in the corner cause she's sick of being unheard and misunderstood.

I realized that I used to get a lot of enjoyment out of doing things for other people and maybe I kind of burned myself out. Scratch that. I did. I used to do things because they were the right thing to do and I felt SOOO much passion that I just couldn't say No! Although I don't feel like I've put myself in a position where I've compromised my integrity and my own personal core values, I find myself waiting for people to let me down and burn me, so I stopped participating. It feels like it comes true more often than not. My oldest friend said last week that the ultimate disappointment and bullshit that you have to go through with some people is the reason why she doesn't have a lot of friends. I might try her philosophy out. I've had to trim the fat recently, but I am afraid that I might have cut too deep in some areas.

I used to love my job. I really did. I used to stay late, come in early, I learned it for free during my internship before they even put me on the books. I loved the excitement and the camaraderie. I used to love being a step ahead of the game, the feeling of being unshakable. I don't feel any of that anymore. I still realize there's honor and integrity in my job, but I don't love it. I'm reblogging some feelings here now, but I can't help it. I used to tell my trainees this: "If you don't love this job, it won't love you back."

I want to tell myself: "If you don't love this life, it won't love you back." I do want to love my job. I do want to love my life. I do want to just love. I do.

I don't want to just exist, I want to live in a world full of passion for my work, for people, for places, and for all of my life around me.

It's time for me to get back in the race. It's time for me to put on my running shoes again and get back on pace. I think that it's time to set a new goal and start putting one foot in front of the other again. If you can't learn to pick yourself up after falling, there's no point in entering the race. I'm not a quitter, that's for damn sure and sitting on the bench while life rushes past me has never really been my style.