May 11, 2013

You see the truth of it is that I never stop, not hardly but to take a breath sometimes, because the sounds of a chaotically busy life are more rhythmic and comforting than the sounds of being utterly alone.

Saturday May 11, 2013

Numb

Numb?

"Incapable of action or feeling emotion" ?
No.

I'm am feeling...that's the problem.  That WAS the problem.  I felt and you didn't.

Nagging.  Emptiness.  Something's missing.  Something's not right. 

Numb? 
As in: it's supposed to be there but it's not and I'm waiting for some other feeling to take it's place?
As in: when my father had his leg amputated and he still felt ghost pains where the limb used to be?
He said it just kind of felt "numb".
Yes.  If that's the case, then yes, I'm numb.
It was there, now it's not, but I can't stop feeling it's loss.

Numb hurts. It's definitley not incapable of action; hurt is an action.  It's definitley not incapable of emotion: pain is an emotion.

I thought I was doing fine better. I got to work, logged online like I always do, and that little yellow dot, the one next to your name, it wasn't there.  It hasn't been there.  Your name isn't there either.  It's always there.  I can count the times it's not been there in more than two years...accidentally and intentionally.  I noticed when it went away...I had been counting down the days until it would be gone.  That didn't make it any easier.  Didn't make it any less numbing. 

It's like you're a ghost.

Were you ever really there?

Somehow I knew you'd disappear. 
There was no other way. 
I wanted there to be another way, but I knew somewhere there couldn't be.
You might come back and try and tell me there is another way.
If you could see inside my heart, if you could step inside this thing and feel what it feels like, you'd know that there was no other way.

I don't want to be numb. 
I don't want to feel anything at all.
I'd like for these feelings to be ghosts of their own.

Or maybe not...ghosts come back to haunt you when you least expect them?  Right? 
That's how the stories always go.  I don't like this story.  I don't like this ending.

Happy endings, not haunts.  I need a happy ending. 

Happy endings aren't numb, they're happy. 

I need happy, not numb. 

undone

unfiltered
unsure
unattached
unable
unASSUMING
unceasing
unbearable
unbreakable
unappetizing
uncomfortable
undesirable
uncertain
unLOVED
unfinished
undecided
unexpected
unstable
unloading
unjust
unFAIR
unknown
unmatched
unlucky
unidentified
untitled
unwell
unSETTLED
unusual
unwanted
unpleasant
unproductive
unplug
under pressure

unDONE.

message in a bottle

In the right context, the internet is a wonderful thing.  Email is simply a rich history. I love finding old treasures. I found this draft email dated April 5, 2008.  It's just a 1-liner, a little quote reminder from me to me:

I've heard this sentiment twice in the last couple of days...find the person who makes you want to be a better you and stick with them. 

I couldn't agree more, Lauren from 2008.  I couldn't agree more.  Lauren from April 23rd of this year especially agrees with you.  It was a very early morning hour, but she was heard echoing that very same sentiment to her unassuming Jiminy - "I'm simply just me with you, no defenses, no disguises, I want to be a better version of me when I'm with you because I don't have to hide who I am.  It's like diamonds, they don't become diamonds on their own, they take a certain amount of pressure and polish to shine.  I think we could be that for each other."

I've been a writer since I was a kid, keeping a diary, a journal, an inbox full of forwards and long-winded stories between friends and old boyfriends, then came the blogging, and now still all of those things remain. There are journals, scratch pieces of paper, notepads, backs of envelopes, anything that I can scribble a thought on strewn about my house.  When I come across them, sometimes I laugh, sometimes I scratch my head, occasionally I cry, but more often than not I am thankful that I have a gauge of how far I've come or how I am still pointed in the right direction. 

Sometime in February this year, I had this time-travel moment, this back-in-time, back-to-the-future kind of moment.  I opened a door that I thought I had long since closed and of course, my gut feeling from so many years ago proved to still be true.  Despite the years of distance, he was not any different, he was not going to be any different, and of the two of us, I had matured and come to respect myself by leaps and bounds.  The first time around with him, it took a heavy toll on me, took four years to finally say no, to recognize that I was just a yo-yo in his game, and to believe that I truly did deserve better.

This time around, it was a matter of weeks.  Why'd I let him back?  I knew it was a bad idea, but I really wanted to believe that he had changed.  I believe in second chances.  I knew I was fooling myself thinking it was just a "little fun" and I can't lie, it felt good to be "wanted' even if by ghosts from my past with shifty intentions.  But...he was exactly the same, nothing had changed, not his pickup lines, his hot-and-cold fishing game, his bedroom tricks, nothing...  I, on the other hand, was like a different person.   Decided, full of self-worth, perceptive, and unafraid to speak my mind.

There I was though one night, thinking about the situation I found myself again all these years later, late night sitting in my bedroom, too distracted to put my mind to sleep, scratching my head, doubts and nagging feelings creeping into my heart and my head like weeds, I remembered that I used to write.  I used to write about him.  I saw the journal out of the corner of my eye, the light blue one with "hope" emblazoned across the front of it.  It was on the nightstand in a basket of books where it had been for years.  Interestingly enough, on the nightstand next to the bed he had just spent the night in with me a few nights before. 

I could have clocked him with it.  Tried to knock some sense into him.  Laugh, it's funny.  I would have never done that, but had this song have been playing, I might have been tempted. 

Each entry logged with an exact date and time from 2007 and chock full of old memories and tear stained pages, flooded with thoughts and feelings of a love-sick girl who used to write to herself, who, despite her bad decisions, was her own best friend, who wrote what she couldn't believe but knew that she should:

it's not about you, it's about him

he's broken and it's not your job to fix him

you tried

you took a chance

you deserve better

let him go

live your life for you

find someone who will love you back

you can do it

I sat there, nearly five years later, skimming page after page, reminiscing, sometimes with a half-smile, sometimes with one eye closed cause it was too painful to remember what I allowed myself to be put through, but then ultimately finding the pages that I needed to see right then, five years later, in my bedroom, kicking myself for opening that door again.  My blue hope journal, it was like a message in a bottle washed up on shore just when I needed it.  It was like five years ago, my only reason for existing then to write those words was so that I could see them all these years later right, exactly when I needed them the most.  I was talking to me, telling myself that I was still on the same track, that everything I was feeling was legitimate, and I still deserved every bit of better that he could never give me.

So then, with the words of a former me and the experience of a current me, I closed that journal and then I closed that door again.  Never to be opened again.

give thanks and good night

Right now at just after 5am, I am choosing to be thankful for:

*10 hours of overtime even though I had to give up part of my great weekend & had to stay up later than I planned to.
*the realization that despite temporary heartache and an anxious anticipation of losing touch with my daily "someone", my fears turned out to actually be a nice reprieve from my daily "confusion"........ "I can see clearly now the rain is gone..."

I'm thankful for:
*good food
*good weather
*good friends
*good family
*a place to call home, just mine alone, where there is peace & quiet & a place to lay my head
*finally, I am glad that in this moment, I am going to sleep with a happy heart & a peaceful mind

Goodnight my friends

Writing on the Wall

There was a time when you were proud

You looked up to me with big eyes...

And I could do no wrong

There's something inside, that's clearly tearing

Both of us apart

Ooh ooh there's something inside



I wonder where you are tonight

And what you did with your day...

Can't find the words to say

Did you feel the sun?

Did you feel the warmness of my heart?

Ooh ooh did you feel at all?


Chorus:

They say if you love someone

You gotta let them go

And if they return to you

That's surely how you'll know

Ooh ooh, I can read the writing on the wall

Ooh ooh, but I can't let go


I'm hopelessly aware

Of the good and bad traits we share

It's like looking at myself

And I know that at times

I could've handled things differently

Ooh ooh, but know my intentions were well

suffocating

im suffocating
im suffocating
im suffocating
i was looking up jobs thousands of miles away
stewardess
air traffic controller
dispatcher in another state (uuuuhhh ground hog's day!)
the price of real estate in the middle of the country
top 10 happiest cities in America
is this a new quest for me?
no
NO!
i find myself stumbled upon Internet searches like this all the time
have been for years

tonight i quizzed my co workers about what i needed to change in my life
"i need a brand new life!" i demanded after their suggestions didn't spark anything in me
what keeps me here?
reading all those old blogs, texts, emails for the last 5 weeks
side note: STOP doing that, STOP living in the past!
unless you're finally going to do something about it
i see the messages written throughout, in between the lines
you can always come back home
my friends did.  now we're not friends anymore
travelling all the time...why?  to get away. 
always, always, always getting away - i lived on planes, i thrived in temporary, new environments
it made me happy, got me moving, out of bed in the morning
but i always came back home again.
it wasn't all bad.  home is always home
but it is just a dot on the map
i know this, i'm not sheltered, i'm not naieve to the diversity of this rock we live on
i can't say i've lived in someone else's shoes, but i have tried to learn about where they call home, how they got there, what keeps them, what makes their part of the world go round
i find myself on the side of the road often looking at trail markers, the off-the-beaten path places looking for the the stories that the hardcore tourists just don't find exciting
then i use where i call home as a reference point
for good
for bad
for indifferent

why did they leave? my former friends
for love, for marriage, for a man who needed to have his career or his family come first
it failed, they lost themselves, they never redefined
i can't do this for anyone else
i have to do it for me
fear
fear of the unknown keeps me here
i got that advice, from a good friend, no scratch that a great friend
good, solid advice
it didn't go unnoticed
it didn't fall on deaf ears
but there was timing for it to be heard at the right time
timing
its all about timing
i hear it, i heard it all along, i just didn't have the will to take it to heart
i.can't.stay.in.this.place
"spread your wings and fly"
"you're qualified"
"i believe in ya"
omg...
he's been my jiminy cricket hasn't he?
he's been one of my best friends and i never knew it until i thought he was gone for good
i don't think he even knew how valuable he was for me
scratch that too, IS for me
hindsight, it's a tricky, tricky thing
the thing that i need the most is the thing that i kind of fear the most
complete and utter change
to be uprooted
i think this about myself every time i plant a new plant
root shock
we're not meant to live in small pots for the rest of our lives
roots smashed into submission at the bottom of a pot dying to break free
plant them in the right soil, give them the basics - water and sunshine and they will thrive
my sister wants to move to san diego, my brother has talked about moving out of state for years
so have i - here, and here, and here, and here, and here
the sandbag that kept me tied down for so long is gone and it's good
my attachments to this place i've called home for so long are fading away more and more every day

if someone asked me to close my eyes and imagine the life that i want and not the life i have now, i know what it looks like
i think it would shock many to know what my dream life consisted of
the ones who really know me would barely bat an eyelash
my unassuming jiminy...he asked me what the major items on my bucket list were
i glossed over them
i gave him the watered down version of it
i don't know why
he says that nothing i say to him will change what he thinks of me
in a good way
but still...i didn't say them
why?
am i afraid that if i say them, i'll get judged for them
i'll get judged for not having them yet
how about if i say them out loud?
will they not come true?
???
yeah that's a ridculous thought both  in my head and in writing

i want to be a wife
i want to be a mom
i want to be a photographer
i want to be a writer
i want to live somewhere where my neighbors are at least "down the road" and not all around me
i wanna pack lunches in the morning
i wanna make cupcakes at night
i wanna constantly trying to be finding the balance between my marriage, my children, and a few spare moments to myself
guess what?
all this chaos that i've been living in, the people i've cared for and carried, the work, the stress, 911, tactical pants and notepads out of the trunk of my car in a parking lot in the middle of the night, every ounce and detail of charity fundraisers, rushing, making deadlines, catching flights, missing flights, never stopping long enough to let my suitcase wheels stop spinning, burning the candle at both ends, overtime, overtime, overtime...there's a reason why i was good and am good at handling all these things for all these years
i could do all of those things that i really, really want and i could make them all work
not perfectly, not seamlessly, but damn close
this i do know about myself

i dont want a career anymore
i dont want to pick up the phone and have someone scream at me
i dont want to have to tell someone how to raise their child, fend for their life, or have a shred of common sense
i put in my time
i sacrificed for the public, for my neighbors, for my friends, for my co workers, for those who were in the trenches with me
there is honor in the service, in the years, in the effort and naivety it took to start this job so selflessly as a child myself
i am proud of it
i am still good at it
but it's not what makes me happy, gets me out of bed in the morning, or keeps me going
it's simply what pays my bills

im not being ungrateful
i'm sick of just getting by and paying the bills though
like i was saying the other day
"i feel like i'm right on the verge of change, something really big, something noticeable, something that i can't quite grasp, but that i've been needing and wanting.  i'm sick of being patient, but i know i can't rush things.  it's right there around the corner, i can just feel it."

i can just feel it...in that tiny space in my heart where the doubts cant creep in like weeds
my patience gets thin but then i close my eyes and let the tears wash the doubt away
its right there
i know it is

and i know that i have to push "publish" on this blog right NOW
or i'll find another reason not to and i just can't afford to do that anymore

Do You Feel Me?

...and then...you're sitting there...dirty from gardening, blogging about yesterday's adventures, listening to Al Green radio on Pandora, and a song comes on that sums it all up...where words fail, music fills the gap.

"Do You Feel Me" 

Wish I could see through
See deep into you
And know what you're thinking now
And if I'm what you're needin'
I need some kind of sign
Let me know cause I can't read your mind

Are you in?
Or am I in this on my own?
I need some clue from you
Let me know babe

[CHORUS]
Do you feel me?
Do you read me?
Tell me am I gettin through to you
I wanna know,
are you with me?
Are you listening?
Baby, is my message gettin through?
Do you feel me baby, oh babe, cause I can feel you

You play it so cool
Won't let nothin' show through
Won't show what you're feeling now, no
And you like to keep keepin' me
Keeping me here in the dark
And I can't see through into your heart
Let me in, in on this mystery
Cause I just can't stay in this guessing game

[CHORUS]

And don't keep me hanging on the line, baby
Tell me if you want me
And if you don't just let me know
Just answer one question
Don't keep me here guessing
Tell me now

Bring Me Down

"Bring Me Down"

Sweet like a kiss sharp like a razor blade
I find you when I' m close to the bottom
You cant appreciate the time it takes
To kick a love I always knew was kind of wrong
And as I'm putting out the flame
Somebody brings up you name

Oh oh oh oh
Baby baby baby bring me down
I want to be right where you are
Baby baby baby bring me down
You can look me in the eye and break my heart
Break my heart

Six AM unruffled pillow
Laughs out loud at my trusting heart
It's like I didn't see the penny
I missed the fountain by a couple yards
If you would only stay gone
Maybe I could move on

Oh oh oh oh
Baby baby baby bring me down
I want to be right where you are
Baby baby baby bring me down
You can look me in the eye and break my heart
Break my heart

OH! Baby baby baby bring me down
I want to be right where you are
Baby baby baby bring me down
You can look me in the eye and break my heart
Break my heart

OH! Baby baby baby bring me down
I want to be right where you are
Baby baby baby bring me down
You can look me in the eye and break my heart
Break my heart

Bring me down...

wish

I wish I may, I wish I might, I wish many, many things in hindsight...

small moments

I'm terrible at keeping up. I'm inconsistent with writing. Life is a spinning top. Timing is everything. My world is off kilter. This is nothing new. But...every once in a while, things right themselves. Sometimes with little effort, sometimes with everything you've got, sometimes all on their own. In the revolving door of friendships and relationships, I'm finding that even with a 40 hour a week profession as a Communications Officer...I am more often then not, lately, a failure at communicating in my personal life. Saying "sorry" or telling someone how much they really mean to you...simple words with a world of meaning - sometimes, that's all it takes to right the world. Or at least a significant part of it. I'm going to try and right my world one small part at a time. That's all I can do. That's the best I can do for now. Life is a series of unpredictable moments, written a page at a time. It's adventure, tragedy, comedy, drama...drama.

30 things: Day 30

Day 30: Your favorite song. I don't have just one, but this one will do for now, for this year, and for the end of this year which is just about 5minutes away.

The lyrics:

Made a wrong turn once or twice
Dug my way out, blood and fire
Bad decisions, that's alright
Welcome to my silly life

Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss 'No way, it's all good'
It didn't slow me down.
Mistaken, always second guessing
Underestimated, look I'm still around

Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than fucking perfect
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me

You're so mean when you talk
About yourself. You were wrong.
Change the voices in your head
Make them like you instead.

So complicated,
Look happy, You'll make it!
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game
It's enough, I've done all I could think of
Chased down all my demons
I've seen you do the same
(Ohh ohhhhhhh)

Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than fucking perfect
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me

The whole world's scared, so I swallow the fear
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer
So cool in line and we try try try but we try too hard
And it's a waste of my time.
Done looking for the critics, cause they're everywhere
They don't like my jeans, they don't get my hair
Exchange ourselves and we do it all the time
Why do we do that, why do I do that (why do I do that)?




and so I did it...with 3 mintues to spare...I wrote my 30 things.

Happy New Year to you and to me!!!

don't you dare!

I just saw this tag line on the header for a dating profile and it strikes a chord with me: "Never chase love, affection, or attention. If it isn't freely given by another person, it isn't worth having."

Amen and amen.

Pretty Girl

Quote of the night: "Don't call me pretty if you can't even call me in the first place."

Wanderlust, unbridled creativity, cholesterol, and frustration run through my veins lately. I need to see something, make something, eat less animal, see someone, make out with someone, and then and maybe only then all my needs will be met. (OK, maybe not, but it would be nice to check those off the list for the day).

I don't know what it takes. I really an the anti-expert at what it takes for two people to be connected on some kind of serious level. I mean, I get far enough, have been there more than once, and I am a professional communicator by trade after all, but I just don't get it. I AM great at being single and fed up with this whole mess.

Who made these gawddamned rules anyways!? Who was it that said if you like someone, wait a couple of minutes before you respond back to them, don't want to seem desperate OR hold back, don't reveal too much of yourself right up front OR don't tell them how you feel too early, OR don't' sleep with them on the first date, OR, OR, OR, OR, OR...

Spinning top, stop spinning! I'm not. I'm really not spinning sideways or over thinking this. I just don't get it. I can't figure out the right formula and I know that there is no one answer for anyone because we are all different in so many ways, but I can't help to look around at the people who I know who are happy. Yes, I know more than a handful of those couples who are happy, despite their major ups and their major downs. Face it, life is a spinning top, it's a carnival ride, it's a frigging fight to get the things you want and keep the things you have and love.

As if "the rules" aren't enough, in this uber media driven land we live in, there are SO many friggin ways to get ahold of someone, email, wink, text, call, tweet, leave a post, BUT (and there's a big BUT), I don't know about all you, but I prefer to talk to someone, to hear their voice, to hear their laugh, to hear that smile or question or surprise in their tone...

This is how it goes in my head, but not outside of it. I have resolve, I have grit, I have a helluva lot of self esteem, I know what I want, I know what I won't settle for anymore, and most importantly I have friends, and they make up songs about my man-less situation. It goes a little like this:

Country version by C:

working on his cars
playing with his friends
maybe he should start working on his mind
I don't know why he plays with hearts
but he ain't playing with mine...

Rap version by G:

just cause you have tatts
that don't make you cool
get off your ass
stop acting like a tool
I'm a catch - u better believe
so get off your ass and start chasing me!

Big ol'...

Well, it's only been a week and perhaps in that week, I have found myself without tears. It's Monday night, I think it's time to tear up randomly about something. Ok, it's not random. None of this is random.

My door turned out to be a window.
My good intentions backfired again.
Alcohol and the truth have fatal consequences to friendship but sometimes there's just no need for recussitation.
I feel like a doormat.
"Crop" and "unfriend" are apparently the worst things you can do in this day and age.
Some parents have no sense of humor.
I love taking pictures of happy people, couples especially, but somehow I almost feel unqualified to tell them how to look at each other. (I know, I barely want to say that outloud, but I do feel like that sometimes).
It's another night in this house alone.
Online dating profiles make my head hurt.
I think I gained a couple of pounds.
Online dating profiles make my knee hurt.
My knee hurts and I can't go to bootcamp again until it stops.
Tomorrow is my last day off.
I'm definitely dehydrated.
The universe saw me.
I'm not that girl anymore even if I stayed all night.
I'm frustrated.
I don't get it.
I'm a catch.
I know that.
Some people just can't be saved from themselves no matter how much you love them.
I have a copy of He's Just Not That Into You on my bathroom counter and then I have a copy of What Men Really Want lying on the empty spot on my bed. Yeah, laugh, don't cry...that is pretty funny.
It occured to me that I want someone who is just on my team so that when this list starts to grow like it is today, someone can just say to me: it's ok, this too shall pass, I'm always there for you, to the end. 150%, madly, truly, deeply, undeniably Team Lauren no matter what kind of ridiculous bullshit it's about. Life IS a fight and we should all be so lucky to have someone in our corner no matter what.
I have this sinking suspicion that really genuine happiness is just around the corner, right out of reach, and I really, really, really want to just be there already. I've waited patiently for a long, long time.

(big sigh)...(big alligator tears)...(big ol' heart of mine)...(be a big girl)...(big girls don't cry)...

Seasons Change

I think sometimes I have emotional diabetes. Highs and lows, spiking out of control. It's not good. The di-a-beee-tus can damn near kill ya you know!?! Ask Bret Michaels!!! I am trying to be a better person. I have laughed more this week than I have in a loooong time. It was a damn funny week. There have been songs and voices and jokes and innuendo and impressions and tons of big smiles. A high, right? Yeah. The week before that, low.

I cleaned up most of the living room and I finally got the number to the gardener...oh sad, sorry, lawn!!! I've slept. Yes, slept peacefully with the bedroom door open and the dog sleeping on the floor. I feel comfortable in my house and not strangely alone. I like the sounds of nothing. In moderation, of course. It's good to invite someone over just because and not have to clear it with anyone else. I am getting back to being the leaned on instead of being the broken. Oddly enough, I still am trying to blame the current state of messy affairs in my house on other people...oy vey (yeah, keep believing that one, Lauren).

My current week's work in progress is trying to walk the line between attraction and confidence. What I mean by that is that when you find something you really like, some of us (and especially us ladies) tend to be all or nothing. Over thinking, analyzing, showing it off, talking about it, paring it with accessories. Like for instance, I'm notorious for finding some kind of well-fitting clothing item and buying it in every color, wearing it a couple of times a week, and then eventually figuring out that there's just really one shade that really suits me. I am wanting to, instead, look for pieces that will compliment my wardrobe for more than a trend's worth of time and if I have to shop around and pay a little bit more for those pieces, then so be it. How often does that find you've been looking for pop up in the most unexpected place? Kill the overkill. Intepret this as you will.

My self-speech for the time being: Don't over think it. Have fun. Be open to new ideas and people. Like clothes, realize why some come into your life and stay and some leave after they've served their purpose. Let them go, maybe you're making room for someone else fabulous. If you haven't worn it in a season and it just doesn't fit, get rid of it. Stop letting it clutter your life up. Clear your closet, clear your head. Granted there will always be those timeless, classic pieces/friends that never go out of style.

I read something somewhere that said "love finds you when you stop seeking it out and start doing the things you love." I read something else somewhere that said "supremacy of self" which was explained to me somewhere along the lines of having to own you, be in control of yourself or you're in control of nothing. At least that's how I interpretted how it was explained. Stop worrying about everything and everyone else out there and just focus on you. There are a lot of little messages out there in my universe that are being reinforced over and over.

I'm gonna do that and let the pieces fall as they may. I'm going to not look so hard for things that will show up when I least expect them.

Lily

The rain is pouring down on top of us now. I can just barely hear it over the clacking of this keyboard. I love the sound of the rain. It soothes me. I loose myself in day dreams when I listen to it at night in bed.

I spent the better part of the night looking at old pictures, burying small hatchets, and trying to not over think it all. I keep catching glimmers of this girl I know. Her life is coming back to the middle. She's the girl who is sarcastically funny and on her game all day and all night. She isn't afraid to face the world and can even go an entire month without crying in her pillow. She's the girl who needs more ink, not because she thinks it's cool or hip, but because she isn't afraid to put what she feels inside outside for the world to see. She's the girl who has wanderlust running through her veins, but desperately wants somewhere and someone that will always feel like home. She's the girl who can carry the world on her shoulders, some days in heels without tripping, batting an eyelash, or smudging her eyeliner.

I had this other glimpse...of this guy that could be the ideal or at minimum, he could just be the reminder that I desperately needed. I needed to remember that there is the rule, the common, the every day, the convenient, and then there' something else. That girl that I'm seeing glimpses of, I'll tell you who she believes in. The exceptional, the rare, the inconvenient, impossible to pass up. The guy that loves his family, adores his grandparents, isn't afraid to say what he's thinking, opens doors, does good things just because they're good and the way they should be, smiles with his eyes and not just his lips, the guy who says you're pretty when you feel ordinary.

Literally as soon as one door shut, another one opened. Maybe it's just a window or a screen door, but it was open long enough to let the other one shut permanently. That other door, it lead no where, she just couldn't see. She was standing too close inside the doorway.

My dearest gave me this advice this week, despite her own failings, and false beliefs, and second chances, she gives great advice: We all have false beliefs. but this is it! your chance to not believe it, but maybe, just maybe, you finally believe you deserve a NICE guy, an HONEST guy, and a good boyfriend. believe it. embrace it. fall hard. believe that you're not going to be hurt. it's in you, you just gotta go for it. no little nagging false beliefs. you got me?

Water lilies grow in muck and mire, water ponds, and they somehow manage to get through all that and when they blossom, it's like looking at the sun on a cloudy day. I have to believe that those water lilies believe in blooming bright and vibrant and full of life one sun shiny day. I wanna be like a water lily. I wanna get through all this and shine and have someone look at me and appreciate how beautiful I really am for waiting to blossom despite what it took for me to get there.

Dear Heart,

Dear Heart, when will you learn? 
That's my "info".  Front & center.  

I wrote this blog yesterday on the back of a "Dear ____" letter that's never going to be sent.  I just wrote the words down to get them out of my head,I was never going to send it to him. 
  
Yesterday, not in a letter, I spoke my mind...again. i used the word "done" three times.  Feeling the frustration & guilt over that and well, just the lonliness of saying "I'm done" to someone who's been there everyday for months, I found myself in the back room digging behind all the lovey Nicholas Sparks books to that "other" stack of books.  Yeah, I needed the He's Just Not That Into You slap upside my head. 

I could write the list of pros & cons and watch how they inevitably come unbalanced, but I still have this feeling that I have to be validated.  I want to be wanted even if it's not by the right person.  I keep thinking about the bad things to keep me from missing the good things.  It's how I make this work for me.  It's how I stop cold-turkey.  I can't wean off like I'm an addict, that just keeps me coming back for more.
     
There's some other things going on.  The loss of long term friendships & my relationship with my dad.  Lean on your friends to get you through is the advice...well, I think I need to lean on me too.  I forget that I am my own friend too.  I've never been this unsociable in my life. 

I've had my "own" place for just over three weeks.  I've never lived alone, but that's all I wanted for so long.  Now I'm here and I don't really like how it feels.  Not entirely.  It's quiet, too quiet sometimes.  It's open & void of voices.  It's still just a house & not my home.  It's missing... 
  
I think I'm conditioned for malfunction.  Like my health & my physicality, it's taking so much out of me to get back on track.  I've never been great at being proactive.  Breaking up all this scar tissue, it's so hard, but I'm doing it.  Now, to do this with my dear heart...break up all that scar tissue & get it moving in the right direction. 

Love is a verb not a noun. So is like, so is call, so is think about me, so is smile, so is wake up, so is take a chance...

I know I don't want to settle, but that is so easy to get sucked into.  I'm still learning the lines between not settling & being too picky.  I'm learning.  

It's nights like tonight that I just want to go outside and scream "Where is he already?!?". I know I won't get any answers shouted down from the heavens or trip over Mister Right, but I still want to scream.  

Dear Heart, when will we ever learn the answer to that question?   
    

30 things: Day 16

Remember this? I do. I didn't forget. I just didn't care anymore. But now I do, and here it is.

Day 16: post another picture of yourself:

This was last week. I liked how my hair was shining in the sun. I liked how my glasses fit on my face. I liked how the sun feels on my skin. I liked driving my car. It's a simple as that.

PS -I wans't mad...just "serious" and driving and taking self-portraits.

Ciao Bellas!

I'm barely hanging on...

It all went to crap.

All of it. On all fronts. I let my words die too. I bottled them all up inside. I stopped putting them here for the world to see.

This week needs to be in the history books already. My heart hurts in so many ways.

I've been home alone in MY house for just about one week. I hear the creaks and the squeaks and the tiny noises in all the tiny spaces. I hear them when they're louder than my own sounds of crying into my pillow at night. I just wish there was someone there to hold me. THAT sounds so sad. I know. I have to say it though. I have to see it in writing. There's a big gap in my life where there should be some big arms to crawl into at the end of a long day.

I came back from vacation and work ate my soul. It's been nibbling away, slowly eroding it, but two nights ago, it took a big ol' bite. The worst call of my career. All twenty two minutes of it. This will scar over in time, but it will always be there.

The constants that I've had from childhood washed away like a sandy foundation hit by a big storm. People change. Feelings fade. True colors come out. I heard someone say once that no one would ever have any friends if they knew what other people said about them when they weren't there.

I even loathe the pavement on the every day traveled streets in this little town that's been my whole life.

I have an empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. My eyes are tired and swollen. My heart is tired.

I know today is a day reserved for reflecting back on "where were you when you found out?" and while I honor the events of that day and the lives lost, right now this moment is just for me.

10 years ago this day, I was awakened by my mother in the same house that just became mine today. I was just out of a relationship with someone that I had but geography made for us to let each other go. My heart hurt, my eyes would go on to be swollen from having so many images of terror and destruction flash before them for the next few days. I had a pit in my stomach like the rest of America. The interstate I travelled daily were e m p t y. It was eeerie as I took the twenty minute drive to the courthouse to drop of the morning paperwork. There was no one to be seen. I had far fewer scars 10 years ago and far more dreams & hopes.

Today, I am barley hanging on, but I'm still hanging in there.