"I met a gal"

I wouldn't say that I live in a tight-knit neighborhood.  Even with living in the same house I grew up in from the age of less than one years old, I keep an eye out and exchange quick waves here and there as I see my neighbors coming and going, but we don't chit chat over the fence often.

Until recently.  My to-the-left-side neighbor recently lost his wife.  It was unexpected, undiagnosed pancreatic cancer.  She went in for what could have been appendicitis and a week later she was gone.  We exchanged a few conversations as I was coming and going over the garbage toters, but that's the extend of it.  I never knew his wife well, just that she was a sweet lady that waved every time she saw me.  Millie.  It's a sweet lady's kind of name.

A couple of weeks ago, Harry, the new widower, told me that he was going out of town to Washington State to visit some family and keep an extra eye on the house.  He'd shaved his beard and cut his long hair, they were the things that Millie loved him to keep, and so for as long as he's lived next door, he kept them.  I suspect that with her gone, he needed a little transformation to let her go little by little.

He has impeccable timing when it comes to catching me in a hurry, but under his current life's circumstances, no matter what I'm rushing out the door for, I always stop and lend him an ear and a few moments.  After all, what good are you neighbors if you can't chit chat with them in passing?

This morning as our shared gardener and him talked about the lawn, I wandered over and said hi.
Right away he said:

"Hey I met a gal."
"You did?  Awww, that's nice."
"She said she knows you."
"Oh, really?" (now I'm thinking it was just someone he ran into out and about and not a new love interest)
"Yeah, she said you took a report from her a while back."
"A report?  Must have been a while ago.  I haven't taken a report in a long time."
"She lives right back here about 7 houses down."
"Oh, OK maybe I did then,but that would have been at least 10 years ago."
"Yeah, she's lived here for quite some time."

"Remember when I went to Washington a few weeks ago?"
"Yeah."
"Well, my daughter decided to sign me up on my Apple for an online dating service and that's how I met her."
(I just smiled, I felt the goodness of where this story was just about to go.)
"We got to talking and getting along pretty quickly and I was just sitting there scratching my head up in Washington when I found out that she lives like 7 houses down the street from here."
(me still smiling, listening to him talk about meeting someone online that was practically living in his backyard...oh, Universe, you are speaking directly to me again)
"Really?  THAT is so close, that's crazy.  How cool is that?"
"So we met over dinner and you know, I'm still dealing with what happened with my wife, but I saw this gal and it was like love at first sight."
(cue big grins, happy feelings, all that jazz, this story makes me smile on the inside)

"Awwww, that's sooo great.  I totally believe in that stuff.  I'm happy for you."
"Yeah, but with everything that I've just been through, we're just getting to know each other.  We're starting out as friends first.  You know, Millie and I were friends first.  If you don't start a relationship as friends first, you're just spinning your wheels.  It's the key."
"Oh, Harry, you're the Universe speaking to me right now. I've been having this conversation in my head and out loud with someone who I know who used to live right in our backyard too.  He's one of my best friends, but he didn't know that until I told him that recently."
Harry's turn to grin at me.
"Well, it just blows my mind that she lives so close, so we'll see how it goes."
"Well, I think it's great and you better keep me informed.  I wanna know where this goes too."

Love stories are everywhere.  "Chance" meetings are not always so.  I'm firm believer that people are brought into each other's lives for a direct purpose.  I believe in friends first.  I believe that people are meant to be together but it's all about timing.

Harry and Millie made a promise to be each other's "to death do us part."  Death parted them.  Quickly, unfairly, , but still love always remains.  To see him struggle and get by the "best that could be expected" over the last few weeks made my heart sad for him.  To now see him smile about his new, quick, and unexpected turn of events made my morning today.

"What's meant to be will always find a way."

~ Trisha Yearwood 

"There is never a time or place for love.  It happens accidentaly, in a heartbeat, in a single, flashing, throbbing moment."
~ Sarah Dessen, The Truth About Forever

don't you dare!

I just saw this tag line on the header for a dating profile and it strikes a chord with me: "Never chase love, affection, or attention. If it isn't freely given by another person, it isn't worth having."

Amen and amen.

Pretty Girl

Quote of the night: "Don't call me pretty if you can't even call me in the first place."

Wanderlust, unbridled creativity, cholesterol, and frustration run through my veins lately. I need to see something, make something, eat less animal, see someone, make out with someone, and then and maybe only then all my needs will be met. (OK, maybe not, but it would be nice to check those off the list for the day).

I don't know what it takes. I really an the anti-expert at what it takes for two people to be connected on some kind of serious level. I mean, I get far enough, have been there more than once, and I am a professional communicator by trade after all, but I just don't get it. I AM great at being single and fed up with this whole mess.

Who made these gawddamned rules anyways!? Who was it that said if you like someone, wait a couple of minutes before you respond back to them, don't want to seem desperate OR hold back, don't reveal too much of yourself right up front OR don't tell them how you feel too early, OR don't' sleep with them on the first date, OR, OR, OR, OR, OR...

Spinning top, stop spinning! I'm not. I'm really not spinning sideways or over thinking this. I just don't get it. I can't figure out the right formula and I know that there is no one answer for anyone because we are all different in so many ways, but I can't help to look around at the people who I know who are happy. Yes, I know more than a handful of those couples who are happy, despite their major ups and their major downs. Face it, life is a spinning top, it's a carnival ride, it's a frigging fight to get the things you want and keep the things you have and love.

As if "the rules" aren't enough, in this uber media driven land we live in, there are SO many friggin ways to get ahold of someone, email, wink, text, call, tweet, leave a post, BUT (and there's a big BUT), I don't know about all you, but I prefer to talk to someone, to hear their voice, to hear their laugh, to hear that smile or question or surprise in their tone...

This is how it goes in my head, but not outside of it. I have resolve, I have grit, I have a helluva lot of self esteem, I know what I want, I know what I won't settle for anymore, and most importantly I have friends, and they make up songs about my man-less situation. It goes a little like this:

Country version by C:

working on his cars
playing with his friends
maybe he should start working on his mind
I don't know why he plays with hearts
but he ain't playing with mine...

Rap version by G:

just cause you have tatts
that don't make you cool
get off your ass
stop acting like a tool
I'm a catch - u better believe
so get off your ass and start chasing me!

Big ol'...

Well, it's only been a week and perhaps in that week, I have found myself without tears. It's Monday night, I think it's time to tear up randomly about something. Ok, it's not random. None of this is random.

My door turned out to be a window.
My good intentions backfired again.
Alcohol and the truth have fatal consequences to friendship but sometimes there's just no need for recussitation.
I feel like a doormat.
"Crop" and "unfriend" are apparently the worst things you can do in this day and age.
Some parents have no sense of humor.
I love taking pictures of happy people, couples especially, but somehow I almost feel unqualified to tell them how to look at each other. (I know, I barely want to say that outloud, but I do feel like that sometimes).
It's another night in this house alone.
Online dating profiles make my head hurt.
I think I gained a couple of pounds.
Online dating profiles make my knee hurt.
My knee hurts and I can't go to bootcamp again until it stops.
Tomorrow is my last day off.
I'm definitely dehydrated.
The universe saw me.
I'm not that girl anymore even if I stayed all night.
I'm frustrated.
I don't get it.
I'm a catch.
I know that.
Some people just can't be saved from themselves no matter how much you love them.
I have a copy of He's Just Not That Into You on my bathroom counter and then I have a copy of What Men Really Want lying on the empty spot on my bed. Yeah, laugh, don't cry...that is pretty funny.
It occured to me that I want someone who is just on my team so that when this list starts to grow like it is today, someone can just say to me: it's ok, this too shall pass, I'm always there for you, to the end. 150%, madly, truly, deeply, undeniably Team Lauren no matter what kind of ridiculous bullshit it's about. Life IS a fight and we should all be so lucky to have someone in our corner no matter what.
I have this sinking suspicion that really genuine happiness is just around the corner, right out of reach, and I really, really, really want to just be there already. I've waited patiently for a long, long time.

(big sigh)...(big alligator tears)...(big ol' heart of mine)...(be a big girl)...(big girls don't cry)...

30 days: Day 13

Day 13- a letter to someone who has hurt you recently

Ok, it goes like this:

It wasn't long lived enough for me to pretend like you really hurt me, but I certainly didn't feel great standing on the corner with you standing across from me with your hands in your pockets like I was the garbage man and you were watching me work. Scratch that, you would have probably engaged him in some witty banter or at least acknowledged him, told him to have a good day, waved goodbye...

If you were trying to be coy, it came off as being an asshole. If you were trying to be cool, it came off as being a snob. If that was flirting, it was a fail. It is true what they say. People might forget what you say and what you do, but they won't forget how you made the feel. Disposable is what you to Styrofoam containers and diapers, not the girl who just spent the better part of the day with you. From 60 to zero in one cold, emotionless walk to the car.

I haven't thought about it much until this 30-day challenge just stared me in the face but you see the thing is just as easily as it's written, we're flipping to a new page.

Signed,
Too Good for You, Your Corner, and Your Time

You have got to be kidding me.

Am I crazy or is this a freaking joke? Really? Really?!!!! Read on...this JUST happened. In case you're not thinking dastardly enough to read behind the lines, I took the liberty (*)

SacKingFan: Good morning!

[1:34:41 am]PhotoGal81:hi

[1:34:57 am]SacKingFan:How are you doing tonight?

[1:35:12 am]PhotoGal81:im good

[1:35:20 am]PhotoGal81:how about you?

[1:35:44 am]SacKingFan:doing OK. Just watching Jimmy Fallon and trying to relax a little bit
(*relax = nude from at least the waist down)

[1:35:53 am]SacKingFan:What is a beautiful woman such as yourself doing on here
(*unnecessary flattery by strangers, the first sign of douchery)

[1:36:18 am]PhotoGal81:seeing whats out there :)

[1:36:57 am]SacKingFan:anything yet?

[1:37:02 am]SacKingFan:what are you looking for?
(* AKA = I have a half chub)

[1:37:18 am]PhotoGal81:eh....i guess i haven't been looking that hard

[1:37:21 am]PhotoGal81::)

[1:37:34 am]SacKingFan:why do you say that

[1:37:36 am]PhotoGal81:i'm pretty busy...hard to meet people and get to know them with my schedule

[1:37:52 am]PhotoGal81:i haven't really been looking too much lately...i don't think i've logged in for a few days

[1:38:31 am]SacKingFan:what are you looking for though
(*...at 1:38am exactly (pants? who wears pants when they talk to "beautiful women" strangers online)

[1:39:02 am]PhotoGal81:a serious relationship

[1:39:16 am]SacKingFan:aren't we all?
(*apparently not you douche)

[1:40:05 am]PhotoGal81:i think there's a lot out there just looking for something light
(*light = one pump chump, 5-minute man, booty call, hit it & quit it, generally a creature of douchery)

[1:41:09 am]SacKingFan:something light?
(*schwing)

[1:41:31 am]PhotoGal81:yeah, casual dating
(*I see the error of my ways here..."casual dating" must mean "do me and do me now. no, I don't need flowers, I just need man parts. I'm THAT kind of girl.)


[1:42:00 am]SacKingFan:how casual are you looking for?
(*AKA = do you wanna $#@^&? or will you call me and say crude things at 2am?)

[1:42:31 am]PhotoGal81:well im not looking to get married tomorrow. so pretty casual to start with
(<<< *I feel the need to defend that while I was thinking this was appropriate as to not tell some stranger that I wanted to be engaged by next summer and have a child before the end of the world, apparently in a man's mind, I've just said "yes, I trust the pull out-method, we'll be fine")

[1:42:47 am]SacKingFan:well, that is a good thing ;-)
(*extra sch-wing)

[1:43:27 am]PhotoGal81:what about you?

[1:43:57 am]PhotoGal81:(ps...my laptop battery is about to die and the charger is out int he car and it is waaaay too cold to go get it)

[1:44:13 am]SacKingFan:looking for the same thing. Want someone that loves to kiss and son on
(*the same thing?! did I say anything about kissing and "so on" WTF?!)

[1:44:15 am]SacKingFan:*and so on

[1:44:40 am]PhotoGal81:yeah

[1:46:07 am]SacKingFan:want someone that loves to be intimate
(*uhm, ok...)

[1:46:22 am]PhotoGal81:dont we all? :)
(*ok, do we call this leading? really...I was just agreeing that in a "serious relationship" as I clearly answered that I wanted, intimacy with a said serious-relationship person that I clearly would have had spent some getting-to-know-you time with, intimacy...yes, would be desired.)

[1:47:15 am]SacKingFan:well, this last relationship that I was in - didn't like oral at all and I was lucky to be intimate once or twice a month
(*notice the 2 minute gap in response, hear the crickets chirping in the awkward silence...this is where the string of curse words, nauseating feelings of disgust, and bafflations vomited all over my bedroom)

[1:49:05 am]PhotoGal81:i'm gonna ask an honest question?
(*AKA, I'm about to be a bitch)


[1:49:20 am]PhotoGal81:are you on here to hook up? you're pretty quick into talking about how much oral you don't get
(*I don't blame her)

[1:49:24 am]SacKingFan:I would hope that it would be an honest one - LOL
(* me = not one laugh out loud)

[1:49:41 am]SacKingFan:i was just saying......
(*AKA = so you're probably not going to call me and have phone sex......)

[1:49:45 am]SacKingFan:that is all

[1:50:02 am]PhotoGal81:its pretty forward
(*you jackass)

[1:50:32 am]SacKingFan:i hope that i didn't offend you
(*ooops, there I go offending girls again...)

[1:50:39 am]SacKingFan:and if I did, I apologize
(* AKA = maybe she'll let me get to cyber-third-base if I apologize)

[1:51:11 am]PhotoGal81:not offended, its just a little bit off putting
(*go F yourself, I want my last 15 minutes back)

[1:51:35 am]PhotoGal81:not to be rude..i dont know you...just saying
(*totally to be rude)

[1:52:00 am]SacKingFan:i understand. But you did ask what I was looking for
(*ok, I clearly did NOT ask about the rooster-sucking activities of this donkey-hole's previous non-intimate years.)

[1:52:25 am]SacKingFan:and I don't want to beat around the bush and tell you a lie
(*you're not getting anywhere around my bush. You disgust me.)

[1:52:38 am]PhotoGal81:well at least you're up front
(*well at least I know that you're a douchebag right away)

[1:52:51 am]SacKingFan:I usually am and it always gets me in trouble

[1:52:53 am]SacKingFan::-)

[1:52:56 am]PhotoGal81:well there you go
(*Eff off mother f%^&er)

For the cherry on top of this full-of-shit sundae, here's this guys self-description:

I am a single, kind gentleman who was brought up to treat a woman with respect and treat a lady like a queen. Unfortunately, life has brought me some bad deals and I have gotten screwed over. But that won't stop me in my quest to find everlasting love. When on a date, I always open the doors for a lady, pay the bill, walk them to the door at night, etc, etc.

Let's take it upon ourselves to read the "etc, etc" as "this whole paragraph is a lie. I just want the poonanny."

Carly, where you at? Come thefuckon already! Did we not meet over a blog describing still this same kind of behavior? Does anything ever change? How about we at least reference this torrential downpour we've been having before we start in with the sex talk. WTF is going on?!
"Being honest" and "not beating around the bush" does not give you license to verbally & fallicly slap a stranger in the face at 2am. I'd eat my own eyeball before settling for one of these guys.

That's it...I'm canceling the morning eye appointment (I won't need an appointment since it's already been decided that I'm eating my eyeballs rather than get invovled with a jack-hole) and first thing in the morning I'm going to the SPCA to adopt a cat. I give up. This is just ridiculous. I'm gonna train my cats how to do tricks and claw douchebags in the nutsacs for sport.

(2:39:01)Karma'sPunchline: oh I'm sorry, did my cat, Rooster, just puncture your testicular sac? You should really have that looked at. You should probably leave pretty quick, my dogs I'm Single & Not Desperate get really unpredictable with the smell of blood in the air. You should probably go. I'm just saying...

OkCupid find me Plenty of Fish

I just wanna say that it's 3:33 am Sunday morning (meaning a few hours ago was Saturday night) and I'm watching a movie about the horrors of being single and online dating while surfing my "matches" on not 1 but 2 dating websites.

I just went through 30 pages of 15 "matches" , that's 450 guys, and it was as sucessful as me trying to balance a checkbook.

This is too fucking much to handle right now. Yes, I said fucking.

I'm gonna stick to the organic cooking for right now. It's much easier for me to control those ingredients. Running, maybe I'll pursue that too. I'll work on my get away strategies for horrible first dates.

Ugh.

Controlled chaos

I did it.

I joined eHarmony.

Ugh.

This is the stinky part, filling out the questions and check boxes. So far I've determined this about myself:

I live in controlled chaos.
I like both cats and dogs.
I don't know where my favorite non-US place is.
I prefer to go to steakhouses for a "big night out" Huh? Yeah...
I admitted to my love for zombie movies right after I professed the same love for The Notebook.
I can't think of who has been the most influential person in my life besides my parents.
Kenny Chesney, P!nk, and Dave Matthews Band are among my favorites and I only got that one right because you can't possibly get that wrong!


I feel like I don't even know myself after this. Where's the box that says: insomniac girl who says "fuck" too much, has bad credit but a really well paying job, loves to travel, takes care of her family, owns her own home, laughs daily, is not afraid of much, has long bouts of creativity, can blog your pants off, is mostly sane, sometimes overly passionate, just wants someone to spend time with, cuddle up with and watch B movies on the couch, and go on day trips, and pontentially choose to commit to if the whole thing doesn't backfire. Oh yeah, she keeps her word, she's not going to break your dishes in the middle of the street like a crazy woman, your mother will love her, she can cook, and she's pretty good in bed too. Yeah, I just said that.

Liberal. Center to left. Ultra-conservative. Middle of the road. ?!? Shoot me in the head already.

Ugh!

I haven't even't gotten to the "values" section of this life history.

Is there not a shortcut for this? I wish I may, I wish I might, I wish I could press the "easy" button for this tonight.

Compatibility

Teeny-love-boppy love is in the air. Fresh out of high school or college the invites and evites are taking over the mailboxes. A cousin had this on her Facebook profile "Love is friendship on fire"...I smiled and gagged all at once.

Compatibality is so hard and by hard I don't mean, "Oh dear me, it must be difficult to figure out which one of the eligible bachelors is going to be right for The Bachelorette, Ali at the end of the next 8 weeks."

What I mean is more ..."Shit! Seriously? I'm so over you. Did you just spit a lugie behind the back of the car? Smoking is disgusting. Nevermind, everything I say get's lost in translation."

Ugh.

I know, right?

What is my preoccupation with compatibility? Some of it is just the rambling I hear in my head fueled by the obveservations all around me. I don't get why people, and by people I mean reasonably smart women, settle. Why?! I subscribe to a school of thought that lives somewhere between A) don't be a slut and B) there's a damnshitloadfulloffish-in-the-sea, but this stuff going on is just what soap operas are made of. Do you want to be Kourtney Kardashian!? I thought not.

Blame the cute sundresses I can't escape buying, blame the wanderlust and the desire to not always have to figure out who is up for a trip, blame an upcoming birthday, blame my big, big family, blame the fact that my father (yes him!!!) said today: "you know you could easily be a cat lady" which was shortly followed by "I better get my one leg and move quickly" after the sideways glance became the quick recipient of.

I don't have many answers about anything, but I am finding out what is really important to me, who I actually am, and one solid for sure: I know that I don't want to end up being the damn cat lady.

Meow.

Blind Date Monday

Mondays are my reality TV guilty pleasure days. I don't get involved in too many of those mind numbing "reality" TV shows, but I got sucked into this season's The Bachelor (ok, and last season's The Bachelorette with ED - E.D. Ed). Who can't resist a house full of caddy women comically bearing their souls and their bresteses in competion for the heart of one man who is simultaneoulsy dating them all AT THE SAME TIME. Really, it's like the most fabulous social studies experiment ever!!! Monday has come to be known as Dumb Bitch Monday, DMB for short.

I am normally happily satisfied sprawled out across my couch with no makeup, hair a mess, wearing Sunday's clothes, and ready to roll right into Tuesday without so much as a thought about accomplishing anything for the rest of the night.

I pulled a fast one this week. A fast one for Monday and a fast one for me in general. I went on a blind date. "How Lauren," you might ask yourself "how do you get yourself into a blind date situation on Dumb Bitch Monday, if you don't ever leave your house except to go to work or leave for the airport?"

Well, I have 4-7 dormant dating profiles out there that occasionally get some kind of response and occasionlly result in one of the smart ones finding my messenger ID by reading in between the lines. Two such individuals found me a few weeks back before Christmas and hence, the chat began. What would catch my attention so intently? Music. Music as a whole, as blues, as country, as pop, and jazz...these guys both know music and they appreciate it as much as I do. You can get to some people's hearts through their stomachs, through their wallets...me, you can catch my attention with a good love of music.

After changing work schedules and driving across the country and narrowly missing a kidney infection, I plain ran out of excuses to not meet for "coffee or a movie or something" and in my haste, agreed to go out on a date with the one guy who I thought was the other guy, and well...that's how Dumb Bitch Monday (DBM) became Blind Date Monday (BDM).

Fast forward to Monday at 7:20pm, after blinding my right eye with a wayward squirt of Model in a Bottle (go ahead, laugh), I was literally blind in one eye for my blind date. As I played on my iphone pretending not to be listening for the door to open, I noticed a wheelchair bound person rolling past my window seat and towards the door and thought "I could very well be getting punked right now. What do I do if this guy is in a wheelchair? Or if he's a midget?" I wasn't nervous while I was getting ready, while driving the 30 minutes it took me to get there, while I sat in my car out front killing time watching unsavory characters smoke and spit lugies at the corner liquor store, but now going on 25 minutes late, I was nervous.

I have to stop here to say that this scene in itself is not me. At all. I don't date. Ask my closest friends...they can't even tell you the last time I ever went on a date. Yeah, I'm 28 and single and I don't date. I don't know why exactly. I'm not incapable, I'm not afraid, I'm not socially damaged, but I am mostly uninterested. I know, I know...get interested. Get unsingle. Find someone fabulous like yourself. I know. I never posted a list of 2010 resolutions at the beginning of this month, but I had in the back of my mind to do something simple. Go on a date. And so I did...

Back to Momiji sushi (which by the way, 2 thumbs down) my date arrives and very shyly says, "Lauren?". He's big. A big, big guy...not unkept or slobbish or wobbly like Santa Claus. But big, tall and wide, like Paul Bunyan with a big head like he was part bulldog...and hairy. Very, very hairy. Like Chewbacca's cousin kind of hairy. His knuckles had eyebrows. His eyebrows had unibrows of their own. The sushi was not good (my bad), but the conversation was much better, the movie afterwards was superb, and over all the blind date was not a total failure. If it was grading it, I'd say it was a B. Ok, maybe a B+. The grade was good enough that it lead to BDT the next day. Yup, Blind Date Tuesday. (editor's note: Jen's gonna kick my ass for not telling her about BDT til now)

Blind Date Tuesday was kind of as a result of BDM...I said yes to one and I was weak when in the same hour the second one asked me to go out and I said yes again. Like I said, I ran out of excuses, they had both been asking for a few weeks.

A few texts later and then a few phone calls, BDT commenced on the streets of my local college town. Steve the car salesman. Steve the car salesman parked about 6 blocks away from where we were supposed to meet, which left me walking down the cold, wet street to find him. I knew he was tall, but 6'5 on paper is a lot different than 6'5 in real life. My neck still hurts from having to look up to make eye contact. A little jaunt around sleepy Davis and we decided to just settle in the (empty) movie theatre about 30 minutes early. Great, 30 minutes of dim empty space next to a stranger. Despite my perpetual single state of existence, I am not a super picky woman when it comes to men. I date ugly, I date short, I date big, I date emotionally damaged mamma's boys. But...there are still things that I cannot get over. Small, delicate-looking, manicured, long fingernailed hands are not something I can get over. In the dim light of the movie theatre as he joked that he could have Torettes freely, and I quote "I'm really bothered by that large bump on my testicle!", I noticed the pale, uncalluoused hands of the basketball star sized date next to me and said "Self, those are a deal breaker" Again, the conversation wasn't bad, the movie was great, and inviting Lurch to go back a bar with me to hang out with some friends until we closed the bar down wasn't bad either...but we're still talking about a B.

Post date Monday, explaining my spur of the moment actions, my BF asked me if going out made me want to get out on a permanent basis and "date". No, not really. I wouldn't not go out again, but there were no sparks, no fire, nothing to preoccupy my train of thought post-date for either one of them. Well except for the fact that they both were definitley not midgets. Score for me.

My best and most accurate description of the whole two-night date process is simply that I was underwhelmed.

Now a week later, sitting here in my living room, typing away about my dates, I am ironically listening to a live performnce of John Mayer's "Perfectly Lonely"

Nothing to do
No one but me...
a simple kind of free...
...is it really hard to see?
I'm perfectlly lonely...
I have to thank the wrongs
that lead me to a love so strong
I'm perfectly lonely...

I'm overwhelmed in a life full of good things and great people. I see no reason why I shouldn't be overwhelmed in a love just the same. Underwhelmed is no way to be...perfectly lonely is simply poetic and I'm still ok with that for now.

www.notachance.com

Quite a few of my girlfriends are into internet dating. I was. Once. I was occasionally successful, but I was mostly unsuccessful. That was about 10 years ago. 10 years later, not much has changed. Maybe it's because nothing impresses me. Maybe it's because I'm just getting too weak and I lack the willpower to internet date anymore. Maybe it's because of this:

I realize that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, there are plenty of fish in the sea, to each his/her own......but I also strongly believe that you only get one chance to make a first impression. So far, I've found that most of you guys suck at selling yourselves and some of you just suck. With that, men of the internet dating community, ponder these things:

Profiles
- There is nothing like the stench of desperation. I throw up a little in my mouth when the first thing I see on your profile is : "I want you to want me" "I dont have an 80’s van with primer LOL" "Willing to lie about how we met" "Look no further I have arrived" .......*gag*
- User name, screen names, handles, whatever they're called...choose a good one. They're important. This is going to be the first nickname that your potential mate knows you by and refers to you by with all of her girlfriends. Assman, MrFister, I love children, MrKiller, DiaperDaddy…spare yourself the embarrassment now.
- ALL CAPS IS ANNOYING, punctuation is phenomenal. I can feel your A.D.D. coming through your incessant run on sentences. That's all I will ever feel from you.
- Using the word "cum" instead of come, "dew" instead of do, "Baby I want you to no", "looking for the rite girl" any other misspelled and overtly sexual words in the "about me" paragraph makes me want to set your profile on fire.
- “No need to look any further” “I'm the one” “What are you waiting for?” "to acquire me you must inspire me" “If you want to be loved, be lovable” Thanks. There’s nothing like a profile header to give you an ultimatum right from the start. I can't wait to get into a relationship that will be wrought with control issues that will spring forward like water from a geyser.

Pictures
- If every single outfit you own looks like your entire wardrobe was purchased at ComicCon, you should re-evaluate your life's purpose.
- Wear a shirt in your main profile picture. Nothing like meeting your man nipples right away. This aloso applies to self portraits of you leaning up against a porch banister, a tree, or the frame of an empty doorway to a room filled with clutter.
- Since we’re talking about self portraits: for the love of RayJay, learn how to take a self portrait that doesn’t require being bare-chested in your grandmother's daisy print wallpaper bathroom with the camera phone half blocking your face and the flash bouncing off the mirror.
- When you have 17 pictures posted in your profile and 13 are of your sports car, 3 are of your pittbull, and the 1 picture of you has a blonde girls hair on your shoulder, her arm draped over your neck, her check touching your cheek, but there's a black bar inconspicuously placed over her entire face, you should consider getting more friends before looking for a life partner.
- When your favorite profile picture is the one where you are wearing your extra tiny Gold's Gym man tank it makes you look like you're wearing a bra from chest up. Don't do it. Just don't post it. This also goes for extra medium muscle shirts, exposed mid-drifts, and half shirts.
- Do you all own the same Affliction shirt with the angel wings on the back?
- Trim your nose hairs
- Make a note for yourself: webcam pictures make you look like a serial killer.

And finally: Please. Please? Please...smile. If I wanted to be with someone who didn't smile, I would seek out my emotionally disabled, mentally stunted a-hole of an ex.