31.

and so today is my 31st birthday...officially 7 minutes ago
although I was actually born at 2:18 in the morning 31 years ago

I've been more than contemplative lately and this stroke of midnight was no exception

What has changed since last year?  What more or less have I become?
not much I started to think...but then I stopped that thought and it all started coming back to me
so, of course, I came here, like I do when I'm listening to my heart

I turned on the music to keep me company and of course by some manner of mind trickery, Adele radio was playing and this song was the first that came on - if I could have made the record scratch, I would have...oh, it's funny actually.  It is.  I'm finding myself chuckling and rolling my eyes at the irony.  The Karma of it all.

but, let me not get sidetracked -  onto to the ever important 30 > - < 31 in the dash moments 

In the last year, I have:

} finally gotten my space, my freedom, my own house, my independence
} lost two dear friendships and let go of my relationship with my father - during that process I also let go of a lot of anger and hurt, there are still streaks of it there, but they don't rule me like they used to
} gained a great appreciation for someone who was always there, but I never saw until recently, I literally drove from one great friendship to the next in the matter of hours...one of my favorite memories
} over all gained more new friends than I "lost" for true friends are never really lost, sometimes you just have to part ways for a while
}saw my brother cross a 4 month finish line, I watched him turn into something that I never knew he had in him
} took a call that has turned out to be a career defining - in this moment, I can say that, if by some misfortune or lottery moment, I handed over my headset tomorrow, I could walk away knowing that there was "that" call that I knew I had meant to step into this profession for nearly 15 years ago
} have felt the call of somewhere else that is calling me "home" but it's just not revealed itself yet...but I hear it more distinctly than ever
} decided to change my major to Business Marketing, something I never considered until it hit me that it might push me in the direction of finding my career passion - I'm looking forward to updating this next year
} lost a dear, sweet love that I called family, an end that we knew was going to end all too soon, but never knowing when that might happen
} opened myself up to more relationship possibilities than I have in all of my 20's...none were right, all were lessons, nothing's broken me, I'm still learning every day, right now every hour, I'm working really hard on the relationship with myself and my life and being thankful for all that I have to share with someone else
} planted two garden beds that had been on my list for three years
} completed 3 competitive runs, including a mud run, things that I always wanted to do, but never imagined I could
} joined yoga, bootcamp, a new gym, and a new appreciation for marathon running and outdoor adventure
} felt more comfortable in my skin than I have in previous years
} started a new venture 
} went under the knife, and out to the world for my first time, and then 6 days later for my second
} survived
} grew my hair out, brought my waist in, and saw myself through someone else's appreciative eyes
} spoke my mind without regret
} started mending fences 
} wrote...and wrote...and wrote some more - I'm looking up now at the words above this bullet point and I see my life, my journey, my hopes, my sorrows, my dreams, my hurts, my wishes, my love, my hate, a girl who wants her dad, a kid who wants her best friend again, a woman who is learning what it is like to open her heart and not fear getting rejected, and a public servant understanding the bind that is an oath

I am admitting to myself more now than ever, that my heart is open, it's feeling and seeking all the time, not as closed off as it used to be - torn open by sorrow, hurt, and loss, but being washed by tears and the kind of laughter that only comes when you've gone through the worst of it, and not around it, not over it, but straight through it, stuck to your decisions, your words, or taken the high road, the humble road and made amends.

next year...in "32", what will have changed?  What will have occurred?  I don't know...the older I get, the less I realize that I have to let life happen organically, not planned and executed according to my plan but according to my Creator's.

today, I am 31 years young and I know that the best is yet to come

Details in the Fabric

This song, another love at first sound...music is saving me again.  The weather has finally cooled, I'm well past my bedtime, my eyes.are.tired...but I can't pull myself away from the computer screen, from the keyboard that fits so well underneath my fingers.  This is my safe harbor these days.

Jason Mraz, this make three.  Three nights, three songs, three sets of lyrics that pull me in. 

Calm down 
Deep breaths 
And get yourself dressed instead 
Of running around 
And pulling all your threads and 
Breaking yourself up 

If it's a broken part, replace it 
If it’s a broken arm then brace it 
If it's a broken heart then face it 

And hold your own 
Know your name 
And go your own way 
Hold your own 
Know your name 
And go your own way 

And everything will be fine 

...

undone

unfiltered
unsure
unattached
unable
unASSUMING
unceasing
unbearable
unbreakable
unappetizing
uncomfortable
undesirable
uncertain
unLOVED
unfinished
undecided
unexpected
unstable
unloading
unjust
unFAIR
unknown
unmatched
unlucky
unidentified
untitled
unwell
unSETTLED
unusual
unwanted
unpleasant
unproductive
unplug
under pressure

unDONE.

Why Georgia Why?

Four more exits to my apartment but
I am tempted to keep the car in drive
and leave it all behind

Cause I wonder sometimes
about the outcome
of a still verdictless life

Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Why, why Georgia, why?

I rent a room and I fill the spaces with
wood in places to make it feel like home
but all I feel's alone
It might be a quarter life crisis
or just the stirring in my soul

Either way, I wonder sometimes
about the outcome
of a still verdictless life

Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Why, why Georgia, why?

So what, so I've got a smile on me
but it's hiding the quiet superstitions in my head
Don't believe me
Don't believe me
When I say I've got it down

Everybody is just a stranger but
that's the danger in going my own way
I guess it's the price I have to pay
still "Everything happens for a reason"
is no reason not to ask myself

If I'm living it right
Am I living it right?
Why, tell me why
Why, why Georgia why?


~ John Mayer 

message in a bottle

In the right context, the internet is a wonderful thing.  Email is simply a rich history. I love finding old treasures. I found this draft email dated April 5, 2008.  It's just a 1-liner, a little quote reminder from me to me:

I've heard this sentiment twice in the last couple of days...find the person who makes you want to be a better you and stick with them. 

I couldn't agree more, Lauren from 2008.  I couldn't agree more.  Lauren from April 23rd of this year especially agrees with you.  It was a very early morning hour, but she was heard echoing that very same sentiment to her unassuming Jiminy - "I'm simply just me with you, no defenses, no disguises, I want to be a better version of me when I'm with you because I don't have to hide who I am.  It's like diamonds, they don't become diamonds on their own, they take a certain amount of pressure and polish to shine.  I think we could be that for each other."

I've been a writer since I was a kid, keeping a diary, a journal, an inbox full of forwards and long-winded stories between friends and old boyfriends, then came the blogging, and now still all of those things remain. There are journals, scratch pieces of paper, notepads, backs of envelopes, anything that I can scribble a thought on strewn about my house.  When I come across them, sometimes I laugh, sometimes I scratch my head, occasionally I cry, but more often than not I am thankful that I have a gauge of how far I've come or how I am still pointed in the right direction. 

Sometime in February this year, I had this time-travel moment, this back-in-time, back-to-the-future kind of moment.  I opened a door that I thought I had long since closed and of course, my gut feeling from so many years ago proved to still be true.  Despite the years of distance, he was not any different, he was not going to be any different, and of the two of us, I had matured and come to respect myself by leaps and bounds.  The first time around with him, it took a heavy toll on me, took four years to finally say no, to recognize that I was just a yo-yo in his game, and to believe that I truly did deserve better.

This time around, it was a matter of weeks.  Why'd I let him back?  I knew it was a bad idea, but I really wanted to believe that he had changed.  I believe in second chances.  I knew I was fooling myself thinking it was just a "little fun" and I can't lie, it felt good to be "wanted' even if by ghosts from my past with shifty intentions.  But...he was exactly the same, nothing had changed, not his pickup lines, his hot-and-cold fishing game, his bedroom tricks, nothing...  I, on the other hand, was like a different person.   Decided, full of self-worth, perceptive, and unafraid to speak my mind.

There I was though one night, thinking about the situation I found myself again all these years later, late night sitting in my bedroom, too distracted to put my mind to sleep, scratching my head, doubts and nagging feelings creeping into my heart and my head like weeds, I remembered that I used to write.  I used to write about him.  I saw the journal out of the corner of my eye, the light blue one with "hope" emblazoned across the front of it.  It was on the nightstand in a basket of books where it had been for years.  Interestingly enough, on the nightstand next to the bed he had just spent the night in with me a few nights before. 

I could have clocked him with it.  Tried to knock some sense into him.  Laugh, it's funny.  I would have never done that, but had this song have been playing, I might have been tempted. 

Each entry logged with an exact date and time from 2007 and chock full of old memories and tear stained pages, flooded with thoughts and feelings of a love-sick girl who used to write to herself, who, despite her bad decisions, was her own best friend, who wrote what she couldn't believe but knew that she should:

it's not about you, it's about him

he's broken and it's not your job to fix him

you tried

you took a chance

you deserve better

let him go

live your life for you

find someone who will love you back

you can do it

I sat there, nearly five years later, skimming page after page, reminiscing, sometimes with a half-smile, sometimes with one eye closed cause it was too painful to remember what I allowed myself to be put through, but then ultimately finding the pages that I needed to see right then, five years later, in my bedroom, kicking myself for opening that door again.  My blue hope journal, it was like a message in a bottle washed up on shore just when I needed it.  It was like five years ago, my only reason for existing then to write those words was so that I could see them all these years later right, exactly when I needed them the most.  I was talking to me, telling myself that I was still on the same track, that everything I was feeling was legitimate, and I still deserved every bit of better that he could never give me.

So then, with the words of a former me and the experience of a current me, I closed that journal and then I closed that door again.  Never to be opened again.

give thanks and good night

Right now at just after 5am, I am choosing to be thankful for:

*10 hours of overtime even though I had to give up part of my great weekend & had to stay up later than I planned to.
*the realization that despite temporary heartache and an anxious anticipation of losing touch with my daily "someone", my fears turned out to actually be a nice reprieve from my daily "confusion"........ "I can see clearly now the rain is gone..."

I'm thankful for:
*good food
*good weather
*good friends
*good family
*a place to call home, just mine alone, where there is peace & quiet & a place to lay my head
*finally, I am glad that in this moment, I am going to sleep with a happy heart & a peaceful mind

Goodnight my friends

day of prayer

Once again, I found myself stumbled upon an adventure. I had plans to go to Yeti Indian Restaurant in Glen Ellen, just outside of Sonoma.  Of three routes, I inadvertently landed upon the one that went through and up the hills of Santa Rosa.  A road that was not unfamiliar to me, but one that I didn't remember until I was a few miles into it.  Full of twists and hair pin turns, one way roads & one lane bridges, all of it covered by a canopy of trees.  The higher up we got, the bigger the trees, Redwoods to be exact.  It smelled incredible.  

A couple of wrong turns, but I eventually found the restarurant tucked back into an old wooden building off of Highway 12.  Just enough shade to make for a comfortable lunch, still enough warmth to make it a perfect Summer day in Northern California.  The outside patio had 5 tables above which there were Tibetan Prayer Flags draped across the outside patio area.

As I sat there under those flags, eating lunch catching up on life and love with my aunt and uncle, I received two requests.  One for my dear, sweet girl Catie who was not doing well, admitted into the ICU and struggling with the disease that had been trying to define her for so many years now.  The other from a friend and colleague from another city, "to my Police family, pray for us this week, as we go to Washington DC for the National Law Enforcement Memorial Service, you know what this means to us, it will be tough."

They say that the purpose of the prayer flags is that they will carry your prayers with the wind. They are meant to be strung on a windy day and are not taken down until they are to be retired.  They weather the elements, they get worn, and like life, they are here and then they are gone.  The old are not replaced entirely by the new, they are strung up next to each other until one is retired and the other takes it place.  They are meant to promote peace, compassion, strength, and wisdom.  While I don't subscribe to the mantras that they are founded on, I do believe in symbolism.  I believe in the message and reminder that of what they stand for. I believe in prayer.  I believe that while we cannot always see it working the way that we think want it to, while our prayers sometimes seem to feel like they fall on deaf ears, the power of prayer is not always in the end result.  It's in the process of being humble to pray, to have faith, to receive peace, and wisdom.  I believe that prayer changes us from the inside out.

decluttering

Graveyard Shift,

You stealthy fucking beast you.  I forgot how much of a pain in the ass you are. 

~ me

First night back on graves, found myself in bed and tired at 0615 am...off to a good start. 
At 0940am the buzz-sawing would not end.  Backyard buzzsawing.  Would.not.end.
At 1005 it ended...a little too late.

I was up.  My brain was up.  I just want that thing to shut down for a little while latley.  I did what I do when my brain wakes me up.  I started to write.  Scratched out feverishly, it was flowing pretty quickly.  I was interrupted by a text from another sleep-deprived soul declaring that his sleep own deprivation from the night before was my fault.  But then he called me a "Salty Veteran"...only other salty veterans or newbies who were raised taught right use that term.  I'll take it.  The Salty Graveyard Veteran was up!

I never got back to bed.  Started wandering the house, pup in tow, across the new kitchen floor, into the finally finished family room, to my brand new, yet to be christened closet.  Everything in that room was covered in sheet rock dust.  I decided to start swiffering...half asleep and in a nightie, I figured I had 12 hours to get some stuff done and still get a nap in. 

Swiffering.  Half-asleep.  In a nightie. = things single girls can do when they live alone.  I love living alone.

I began the day with this thought: don't compare yourself to yourself...be who you are today, not 2 years ago, not what you're going to be some day. Where you are is exactly where you need to be.

Some Pandora music station belting out country tunes, I had this discussion with myself about a discussion I had with my Muse earlier this year that we both felt I was going to embark on a year full of "decluttering" starting with making MY house MY home.  The end of that conversation between her and I also concluded that as soon as I get my place exactly the way I want it, the sooner I'll find a reason to leave it behind and move on to something even bigger and better for my life.  Nonetheless, I smiled as I cleaned up and put things away, with the idea that the closet was just the beginning of that process. The real, true to life version of that thought. It's been unusable space for many, many years. Damaged, worn, broken. Sounding familiar? I thought so... Now it's fresh and new, reporposed, proud, shiny, so good now that it makes the rest of the room look old and outdated.

PS - I love this new floor. I love this new floor leading out to this new closet. I love how this house is shaping up.

I got about 1/8 of the room done, dusted, mopped, and wiped down before I decided that I had enough. 

Wandered into the backyard with a mirror and some tweezers.  Yeah, overgrown is always easier to spot in natural light.  Had enough eyebrow torture for the day and then found my way into the garage.  Still in the nightie and now flip flops, I started moving wooden palettes in the garage.  Splinters and all, I maneuvered them around imagining what bed frames and rustic American flag coffee tables I would be making.  "I'm 50 Shades of Crafty" I said out loud and to the pup.  "I just need a circular saw, a sander, some bolts, and  a drill."  All the things that the sleep-deprived should not have access to.  Thank God Someone is looking out for me. 

Before I knew it, morning was afternoon.  I was still in a nightie, still unshowered, and still trying to keep myself from being completely covered in sheet rock dust.  Leaving the house was off limits for the day. I had already wasted too much time and I just didn't want to leave the confines of my walls.

I looked up training courses, new jobs, federal, state, and local jobs, positions with "Director" and "Manager" in the title.  I thought about teaching, I thought about standing in front of a classroom, I thought about doing something with my expertise that would afford me some new exposure to the world. 

As the afternoon wore on, I wore out and finally found myself finally back in bed, deciding that it was nap time.  I found myself in bed next to an old phone with old texts and old memories.  Memories that I traced back to June of 2010.  What had I said about not comparing yourself to two years ago?  I was about to foul up my entire day, my mood, and undo my entire strange slightly productive recovery from sleep deprivation.  It seemed like my subconscious took my declaration early in the day as a  personal challenge.  I should have stopped while I was ahead.

I read those texts from two years back.  The emotions, the frustration, the want, the rejection, the desire, the attraction, the confusion, more frustration, more misunderstanding, more games, more unanswered questions, more, more, more...  The last thing I needed to confirm or remember in the cluster that has been the last three weeks of my life.  I read them all.  It was more dangerous for me than the circular saw would have been. 

Sleep deprivation set in even harder after unearthing the emotions that I thought were flushed away.  I tried to lay my head down and just like someone had poured a bucket of cold water on me, I jolted out of bed with the stark realization that I was living in a groundhogs day moment, a deja vu moment of working graves, still single, not happy with being up all night and asleep all day, it was hot, I was sticky and sweaty, and alone.  I was alone.  Sleep deprivation turned mini panic attack turned to a phone call and a text to a good friend.  It turned into calling work for a 2 hour late start of my shift for the night.  I had to get some sleep, right?  The panic turned into a pity party.  I turned it before it got too panicky, but still, it was there.  It had reared its ugly head and stared straigth at me. 
Over the course of 10 hours, I had declared for all of the Facebook world that I was not going to look back or forward but just in the moment. In my pitiful, sorrowful, sad and lonely state of mind lying there in my bed sleep-deprived and sticky from sheet rock dust and the Summer weather, I had done the exact and total opposite.
I decided to get up.  Get in the shower and then maybe get back to bed.  I turned the music back on.  I listened to the thoughts I had recorded typed from the words I had feverishly written out earlier.  I listened to my voice on those recordings.  I like my voice.  I could narrate something.  I know what it's like to express emotion, sorrow, frustration, joy, confusion, hope...all those emotions that make for successful communication.  Communication.  My conundrum it feels like lately.  Too much, too little, not clear enough, not concise, not decided, too decided, too much, too forceful.  Words...they have meaning, but I found myself again knowing that actions speak louder than any words ever could.  I felt like my actions in my personal life hadn't spoken louder than my words.  My words in those texts, emails, blog posts, in my life.

I'd like to blame graves entirely.  I'd like to blame the warm weather.  I'd like to blame sleep-deprivation, but I can only take responsibility for how I let my day evolve and unravel.  These last couple of weeks have me thinking about all the big and small moments in the last two years.  I have read old text, messages, emails, and blogs.  The changes make my head clear and my heart happy.  The similarities from years ago to now make it fuzzy again and my heart heave. I have to find a healthy balance between the two. 

I wanted to give up and stay in bed, stay home, stay in that rut that my mind had carved out.  But then this still small voice, my inner Scarlett O'Hara kicked in.   I saw my progress from a couple of years ago to now. I saw where I hadn't changed.  I saw where I have taken full advantage of learning from new opportunities and mistakes that I saw coming from a mile away.  I saw missed opportunities and great decisions made. I saw regrets and I saw where I have put my foot down, lead with my mind, but still heard what my heart was saying. I tried to find the silver lining in the clouds and trust my natural born instincts. I saw that I was all these things and more. 

12 hours later, after the rollercoaster of my day, I made this declaration: ok...enough groundhog's day sleep deprived self induced mental and emotional crisis...i'm putting on my damn work pants and handling business. it's go time. enough of this little pity party.
I feel like I might have the same bones, the same structure, as I did two years ago, but like my new closet, my heart and my mind have been decluttered and in some ways rebuilt.  Painfully, yes, but still repurposed, cleaned up, emptied out, and filled up again.  Like the new closet, I'm putting things back in there with some semblance of order.  Cleaner, dusted off, wiped down. 

Living. Existing. Changing. Evolving. Drastically. Statically. Constantly. Decluttering. Slowly...but surely.

on 2012

New Years resolutions? I've had a few. I only have one this year: invest in myself. Whether that be going to the gym or yoga more, spending more time behind my camera, staying up all night crafting something fabulous, or just sleeping in. It's my time now. I've invested years in a house that I could not call my own, in other people's business and personal successes while ignoring my own, in miles and miles of travel just to visit, thousands of hours of phone calls, texts, and emails to keep in contact, and just ended up creating this existence where I both the constant welcoming committee and a doormat. I let myself get burned and then I burned the rest of myself out. It's hard to love other people when you don’t love yourself. So, that's my resolution this year: me. I'm my own resolution.

PS - from me to all of the rest of you: you know that person you always go to and always lean on when you're in need? Maybe they need a day off too. Find that person and tell them thank you and then take a step back and look at them as a person in whole, not just in the context that you know them. Learn to appreciate who you have in your life before it's too late.

Here's to Happy New Year's and happy lives for all.

waffle irons are the demise of our society

When its busy, its busy, but when it's slow it's really slow. It lends plenty of time to browse the news headlines, catch up on the latest YouTube clips, see what's happening in the entertainment world, and so on and so forth.

Here’s my conclusion = it's all a bunch of crap. Capital C, Crap. Really, with the minor few exceptions, it is rancid, disgusting, and self-absorbed.

Entertainment is all about women (and men) who are so caught up in their inflated egos, flawless faces, "enhanced" bodies, always making sure that they don’t have a blemish, a bump, a shred of being a normal person, that if/when they are like the "rest of us", they're propped up on a pedestal for showing a crack in their shallow armor. "OMG, she's so relatable, she likes cupcakes and picks up her doggies poop in plastic bags just like I do (gasp!!!)" We are talking about nobodies, no-damn-bodies, regular folk, turned celebutants - the Kate Gosselins & the Kim Kardashains and the other self-made YouTube celebrities, blah, blah, blah…I'm just totally disgusted. What are they actually doing in the world? Anything decent besides clogging up the internet with twitter feeds and other forms of lackluster abbreviated and shortened ways to "communicate"? No, but the masses are still buying their bullshit. Caveat: this is not the weekender YouTuber who still has a sense of humor, the musicians, or those who are making tutorials that are both free and worth the time it takes to watch them. It's not all bad…yet.

Speaking of YouTube, have you seen the Black Friday video clips? I have. We've graduated to a complete society of animals, worse than ever before. "We" is a term I use loosely, my ass was in bed asleep, which, in my shift-working opinion, is PRICELESS. Still there were blocks and miles of lines of "people" who would rather trample, push, shove, and beat someone out of a $3 waffle iron for what? I doubt that Uncle Andy, your niece, or your half-sister all wanted one for Christmas. Waffle irons…this is what's become of us.

Why, pray tell Lauren, is it that now everyone is so desperate for a deal or looking for another way to market themselves and earn a few extra bucks? Here's one for you. How about we just blame the recession we’re in on government employee pensions? Oh, yeeeaaah…that's what happened! Who ever sold the public on this huge farce should actually get some recognition. This is good SHIT. I mean really, good way to SHIFT the blame. How about we also blame the impending zombie apocalypse and the PIG flu while we're at it? Let's make sure of one thing though: let's NOT place any blame on the banks, the financial institutions, the mortgage companies, or God forbid, the individuals who lacked any shred of personal responsibility in this thing we call our financial demise. It's easier to attack government pensions, public safety, the prisons, the state parole system, your local police force…they did it. It's their fault. Damn them and their boats and their cars and their single family homes and their 40, 50, 60, and 70 hour mandatory work weeks. They're visible, they're out there every day and every night any time you call, it must be their fault. All that phone answering and driving in circles…how frivolous. However "we" (another loose using of the word) don't want to give the perception that "we" don’t care about safety, "we" want everyone to come when "we" call for help, BUT "we" don’t want to have to pay for it like "we" used to when there was less crime, more cops, better equipment, and fewer damn fights over damn waffle irons.

I'll tell you what I miss. I miss when not every single person I knew had some level of worry or sleeplessness about how they were going to pay the bills. I miss the time when you wanted to talk so someone and you picked up the phone and called them. No tweeting, no texting, no mass emailing, no Facebooking the really important things in life to the people who are supposed to mean the most to you. I miss when you heard someone else's voice on the other end of the line, you smiled and actually believed the words that were coming out of their mouth. I know, I get paid to talk, but here's a concept: call me. I would love to have a conversation with someone that I 1) know personally and 2) don't have to interrogate for officer safety. I miss being invited to weddings, funerals, and baby showers with an actual contact, paper invitation, or phone call. I'm not talking about your bachelorette parties, Glee premier get togethers, and Vegas trips, by all means, group invite away, but have a little decorum, recognize tradition, make the people in your life a priority again.
I know, there's a lot to bitch and moan about even in this Thanksgiving week. I’m not ungrateful, I’m just fed up with the excuses and the brush offs and the complete lack of decency. I'm ready for 2012. I'm already reflecting back on 2011 and it's had more downs than ups. It's been a Hell of a Year.

Happy Saturday & Happy Holidays,
Lo

Oh yeah, PS, the views and opinions expressed in this little tirade are those of the author and not her employer.

I just needed to get that all out.

30 things (yeah, it couldn't have been 29)

I stole this from someone fabulous who stole it from someone else that I can only imagine is also fabulous and even thought I have a little tiny cringe inside me that I'm committing to something(anything) for 30 days, I think I need something to look forward to. Yes, desperate times call for desperate measures. I am living a passionless existence. I'm not excited about anything anymore. In fact the last thing I was excited about was meeting Napoleon Dynamite (ok, his name is Jon Heder and he has a wife and kids and normalness but he's always ND to me!!!) at Disneyland on accident. I love Napoleon Dynamite.

Anyways....................................................back to this:

I'm going to do this 30 day thing. Along with going back to school for Psychology (yawn, not a well thought out plan and the books smell like ashtray), doing the weight loss challenge with Donna (we both fell off the wagon, F#@&ing Superbowl parties!!!), trying to squeeze time out of my ass to go with my brother across the country to raise money for dying kids, date online (FML), and just generally wake up and get out of bed everyday, do some laundry, clean a countertop or toilet or whatever. (second yawn)

I think I'm afraid of commitment. Maybe that's why I'm always involved in so many things. That actually might be a truth about me that I haven't admitted yet. Self-reflection is like a soul-fart. It fucking stinks. Nevertheless, this is my 30-day challenge.

30 Things about Me

Here is what you can expect for the next 30 days:

day 1- recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself
day 2- the meaning behind your blog name
day 3- a picture of you and your friends
day 4- a habit that you wish you didn’t have
day 5- a picture of somewhere you've been
day 6- favorite super hero and why
day 7- a picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
day 8- short term goals for this month and why
day 9- something you're proud of in the past few days
day 10- songs you listen to when you are happy, sad, bored, hyped, mad
day 11- another picture of you and your friends
day 12- how you found out about blogger and why you have one
day 13- a letter to someone who has hurt you recently
day 14- a picture of you and your family
day 15- put you ipod on shuffle: first 10 songs that play
day 16- another picture of yourself
day 17- someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
day 18- plans/dreams/goals you have
day 19- nicknames you have and why you have them
day 20- someone you see yourself marrying or being with in the future
day 21- a picture of something that makes you happy
day 22- what makes you different from everyone else
day 23- something you crave for a lot
day 24- a letter to your parents
day 25- what I would find in your bag
day 26- what do you think about your friends
day 27- why are you doing this 30 day challenge
day 28- a picture of you from last year and now, how have you changed since then?
day 29- in this past month, what have you learned
day 30- your favorite song

ONE

ONE time when I was little … I painted my brother white from head to toe. :)

ONE day I hope to … be a mommy.

ONE movie (or book) I would never tire of watching (or reading) is - The Notebook.

If I had to create with ONE color for the rest of my life, I would pick - green. It has so many shades that I think all represent LIFE.

ONE of my best strategies for fueling my creativity is … music. It's breaths life into me in so many different ways.

If I could add ONE hour to my day, I would … want to say that I would be more productive somehow, but I think I would just sleep some more.

ONE thing you really need to know about me … I wish I could go back to being a kid.

ONE thing I know for sure … family is the only thing that matters.

Jog

Laugh everyday - it's like inner jogging.

My body is starving for physical activity. My soul is starving for happiness. I need to do some inner and outer jogging.

That's all I got.

;)

PS - this makes for post #200.

Umbrella, ella, ella...

In my quest to simplify and get my passion for life back, step 1 is that I've had to make some hard decisions about what is really important and what is going to matter in the end. When I say simplify, I mean across the board...getting rid of the toxic and time consuming things in my life from old t-shirts, bad habits, excuses, anger, resentment, and relationships. Some changes are permanent, some might just be temporary. I don't have it figured out yet.

I have learned some new things and been reminded of some old things as of late:

I'm not a fan of change.
I am the most sentimental of the sentimental fools. This is bad, but this also makes for an incredible scrapbooker.
I don't like being vulnerable. I hate it in fact.
I'm stubborn but I'm not impossible.
I wish I could forget more often.
I want to forgive more frequently.
Giving up and giving in is just a pit stop, not a destination.

Sometimes the other side of disappointment is relief.
Longevity is no reason to keep something or someone in your life.
People change for a reason.
It is true...people do forget what you do and what you say, but they don't forget how you made them feel.
I love you actually does mean having to say you're sorry, but true friends don't have to keep apologizing.
You can accept an apology but that doesn't mean that you have to keep letting the hurt continue.
Forgiveness really is never about the other person.

Time heals.

My newest favorite quote...and especially on this gloomy rain-filled day is:

"Friendship is like an umbrella. If you don't open up, you'll get rained on."
I think it stands true for all relationships and definitely those make or break moments in life. It's not that I would rather feel pain than feel nothing at all, but there is a fine line between gaining life experience and being reckless and gullible. I'm always in a revolving state of opening my umbrella and then finding out who my true friends are.

From a friend in Belgium that I've never met, she reminded me of something I told her not to long ago:
"Keep your chin up, that's where the sunshine is."

If there is one thing that all my time 30,000 feet up has proven, it is that no matter what it looks like from down on the ground, the sun is always shining out above the clouds.