Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Dear Heart,

Dear Heart, when will you learn? 
That's my "info".  Front & center.  

I wrote this blog yesterday on the back of a "Dear ____" letter that's never going to be sent.  I just wrote the words down to get them out of my head,I was never going to send it to him. 
Yesterday, not in a letter, I spoke my mind...again. i used the word "done" three times.  Feeling the frustration & guilt over that and well, just the lonliness of saying "I'm done" to someone who's been there everyday for months, I found myself in the back room digging behind all the lovey Nicholas Sparks books to that "other" stack of books.  Yeah, I needed the He's Just Not That Into You slap upside my head. 

I could write the list of pros & cons and watch how they inevitably come unbalanced, but I still have this feeling that I have to be validated.  I want to be wanted even if it's not by the right person.  I keep thinking about the bad things to keep me from missing the good things.  It's how I make this work for me.  It's how I stop cold-turkey.  I can't wean off like I'm an addict, that just keeps me coming back for more.
There's some other things going on.  The loss of long term friendships & my relationship with my dad.  Lean on your friends to get you through is the advice...well, I think I need to lean on me too.  I forget that I am my own friend too.  I've never been this unsociable in my life. 

I've had my "own" place for just over three weeks.  I've never lived alone, but that's all I wanted for so long.  Now I'm here and I don't really like how it feels.  Not entirely.  It's quiet, too quiet sometimes.  It's open & void of voices.  It's still just a house & not my home.  It's missing... 
I think I'm conditioned for malfunction.  Like my health & my physicality, it's taking so much out of me to get back on track.  I've never been great at being proactive.  Breaking up all this scar tissue, it's so hard, but I'm doing it.  Now, to do this with my dear heart...break up all that scar tissue & get it moving in the right direction. 

Love is a verb not a noun. So is like, so is call, so is think about me, so is smile, so is wake up, so is take a chance...

I know I don't want to settle, but that is so easy to get sucked into.  I'm still learning the lines between not settling & being too picky.  I'm learning.  

It's nights like tonight that I just want to go outside and scream "Where is he already?!?". I know I won't get any answers shouted down from the heavens or trip over Mister Right, but I still want to scream.  

Dear Heart, when will we ever learn the answer to that question?   


  1. You already know what I think, so I'm not gonna write it again, but boy do I think it hard!

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