Saturday, December 31, 2011

30 things: Day 30

Day 30: Your favorite song. I don't have just one, but this one will do for now, for this year, and for the end of this year which is just about 5minutes away.

The lyrics:

Made a wrong turn once or twice
Dug my way out, blood and fire
Bad decisions, that's alright
Welcome to my silly life

Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss 'No way, it's all good'
It didn't slow me down.
Mistaken, always second guessing
Underestimated, look I'm still around

Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than fucking perfect
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me

You're so mean when you talk
About yourself. You were wrong.
Change the voices in your head
Make them like you instead.

So complicated,
Look happy, You'll make it!
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game
It's enough, I've done all I could think of
Chased down all my demons
I've seen you do the same
(Ohh ohhhhhhh)

Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than fucking perfect
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me

The whole world's scared, so I swallow the fear
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer
So cool in line and we try try try but we try too hard
And it's a waste of my time.
Done looking for the critics, cause they're everywhere
They don't like my jeans, they don't get my hair
Exchange ourselves and we do it all the time
Why do we do that, why do I do that (why do I do that)?

and so I did it...with 3 mintues to spare...I wrote my 30 things.

Happy New Year to you and to me!!!

30 things: day 29

Day 29 - in this past month, what have you learned?

I love to sleep, more than ever. It's peaceful and it's quite. All the time.
The past is the past for a reason, even if it feels warm at night and it makes you smile when you least expect it.
My space is starting to feel more and more like my space.
The people who are the closest to you are the ones who can hurt you the most.
I hurt all around when I don't make my body move. (I know, it's in direct contradiction to my first learned lesson).
I have lofty goals.
I have a new vision of what I want and what I won't settle for any longer.
I am a good photographer. (with a lot to still learn, but I'm getting there).
I deserve to be happy and I'm going to change that in this next year.

30 things: day 28

Day 28: a picture of you from last year and now, how have you changed since then?

Another hard one to tackle. I found a picture from last Christmas and then one from a concert this last October. Yeah, I lost some weight, but I'm kind of the same. Interally, emotionally, mentally, I've changed a lot. People that were staples in my life are no longer there. It was painful to lose some relationships and a relief to lose others. I learned that I am not kind, patient, or giving enough to myself. I've learned that my capacity to give is much greater than my capacity to forgive. I've learned that I can do it, I can run a little longer, I can see results faster, I can put myself first for once and not feel bad about it. I'm learning to set boundaries. I'm learning what other people are made of. I'm learning to reset my priorities and be more cautious with my time and emotions. I'm mostly just learning all the time...the hard way, the easy way, quickly, and slowly...but I'm at least learning.

on 2012

New Years resolutions? I've had a few. I only have one this year: invest in myself. Whether that be going to the gym or yoga more, spending more time behind my camera, staying up all night crafting something fabulous, or just sleeping in. It's my time now. I've invested years in a house that I could not call my own, in other people's business and personal successes while ignoring my own, in miles and miles of travel just to visit, thousands of hours of phone calls, texts, and emails to keep in contact, and just ended up creating this existence where I both the constant welcoming committee and a doormat. I let myself get burned and then I burned the rest of myself out. It's hard to love other people when you don’t love yourself. So, that's my resolution this year: me. I'm my own resolution.

PS - from me to all of the rest of you: you know that person you always go to and always lean on when you're in need? Maybe they need a day off too. Find that person and tell them thank you and then take a step back and look at them as a person in whole, not just in the context that you know them. Learn to appreciate who you have in your life before it's too late.

Here's to Happy New Year's and happy lives for all.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

30 things: Day 27

Day 27: Why are you doing this 30-challenge?

I started this way back in February...of this year 2011. It is now about 72 hours from being 2012. I started this to challenge myself to write something new every day for a month. You see how well that went over. I'm now bound and determined to just finish this by the end of the year. I find that I give life to my thoughts when I write them down. I alleviate the heaviness of my heart. I clear my head. I just needed a list of things to push me in a writing direction. I think this challege has proven to be a great lesson in thinking and life.

30 things: day 26

Day 26 - what do you think about your friends.

I avoided this nearly as much as I avoided day 24. I used to count my wealth in the number of great friends I had. I was rich. I would now consider myself invested, but not wealthy.

You see, the pillars of some of my longest standing friendships, they crumbled this year. I could hem and haw about the reasons why or what could have been different, but I will reduce it down to a couple of things. People change. Grow. Grow up, grow apart, grow away. Where it was once the saddest day to see my childhood friends move states away and wonder how I could get by without them on a regular basis, it was years later a relief to cut off the tension and the doubt that had become our relationship. It wasn't overnight, it wasn't a snap decision, and we are both and all to blame. Too many hurt feelings, too many things unsaid but felt, too little consideration that friendship is a 2-way street. Friendship is a million little things, the little things are where you find your commonality, your kindred spirtness, your inside secrets, your laughs, your thoughts that count, your comfort. It's the little things that hold your friendship together. The little things fell away.

Enough crying over spilled friendships. It is what it is and what is meant to be will be. Maybe they'll come back around or maybe our curtain finally dropped after a slow fall.

But then...there are the new friends I've made in more recent years and more immediate times. The ones who don't know where I've come from or how I was when I was 8 or 17 or 25, but they know me now and they appreciate me now for what I am. In some ways, it's good to start fresh with someone who has a new perspective. They are the ones who see me in today's light despite my baggage. There are the few who are like family to me who still see me in light of my baggage. They have their own to carry, so they're not so worried about commenting on mine.

So what do I think about my friends? I think they are vast and different and I think they are always evolving and growing like we each are as people. As I typed, I checked my horoscope for today; 12/29/2011 and it read: "Don't worry about your friends misinterpreting you -- they always understand you." I believe that. I also believe that I will loose some more and gain some more and I think that I'll take it a day at a time.