Sunday, July 1, 2012



"Incapable of action or feeling emotion" ?

I'm am feeling...that's the problem.  That WAS the problem.  I felt and you didn't.

Nagging.  Emptiness.  Something's missing.  Something's not right. 

As in: it's supposed to be there but it's not and I'm waiting for some other feeling to take it's place?
As in: when my father had his leg amputated and he still felt ghost pains where the limb used to be?
He said it just kind of felt "numb".
Yes.  If that's the case, then yes, I'm numb.
It was there, now it's not, but I can't stop feeling it's loss.

Numb hurts. It's definitley not incapable of action; hurt is an action.  It's definitley not incapable of emotion: pain is an emotion.

I thought I was doing fine better. I got to work, logged online like I always do, and that little yellow dot, the one next to your name, it wasn't there.  It hasn't been there.  Your name isn't there either.  It's always there.  I can count the times it's not been there in more than two years...accidentally and intentionally.  I noticed when it went away...I had been counting down the days until it would be gone.  That didn't make it any easier.  Didn't make it any less numbing. 

It's like you're a ghost.

Were you ever really there?

Somehow I knew you'd disappear. 
There was no other way. 
I wanted there to be another way, but I knew somewhere there couldn't be.
You might come back and try and tell me there is another way.
If you could see inside my heart, if you could step inside this thing and feel what it feels like, you'd know that there was no other way.

I don't want to be numb. 
I don't want to feel anything at all.
I'd like for these feelings to be ghosts of their own.

Or maybe not...ghosts come back to haunt you when you least expect them?  Right? 
That's how the stories always go.  I don't like this story.  I don't like this ending.

Happy endings, not haunts.  I need a happy ending. 

Happy endings aren't numb, they're happy. 

I need happy, not numb. 


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