Tuesday, October 4, 2011
The rain is pouring down on top of us now. I can just barely hear it over the clacking of this keyboard. I love the sound of the rain. It soothes me. I loose myself in day dreams when I listen to it at night in bed.
I spent the better part of the night looking at old pictures, burying small hatchets, and trying to not over think it all. I keep catching glimmers of this girl I know. Her life is coming back to the middle. She's the girl who is sarcastically funny and on her game all day and all night. She isn't afraid to face the world and can even go an entire month without crying in her pillow. She's the girl who needs more ink, not because she thinks it's cool or hip, but because she isn't afraid to put what she feels inside outside for the world to see. She's the girl who has wanderlust running through her veins, but desperately wants somewhere and someone that will always feel like home. She's the girl who can carry the world on her shoulders, some days in heels without tripping, batting an eyelash, or smudging her eyeliner.
I had this other glimpse...of this guy that could be the ideal or at minimum, he could just be the reminder that I desperately needed. I needed to remember that there is the rule, the common, the every day, the convenient, and then there' something else. That girl that I'm seeing glimpses of, I'll tell you who she believes in. The exceptional, the rare, the inconvenient, impossible to pass up. The guy that loves his family, adores his grandparents, isn't afraid to say what he's thinking, opens doors, does good things just because they're good and the way they should be, smiles with his eyes and not just his lips, the guy who says you're pretty when you feel ordinary.
Literally as soon as one door shut, another one opened. Maybe it's just a window or a screen door, but it was open long enough to let the other one shut permanently. That other door, it lead no where, she just couldn't see. She was standing too close inside the doorway.
My dearest gave me this advice this week, despite her own failings, and false beliefs, and second chances, she gives great advice: We all have false beliefs. but this is it! your chance to not believe it, but maybe, just maybe, you finally believe you deserve a NICE guy, an HONEST guy, and a good boyfriend. believe it. embrace it. fall hard. believe that you're not going to be hurt. it's in you, you just gotta go for it. no little nagging false beliefs. you got me?
Water lilies grow in muck and mire, water ponds, and they somehow manage to get through all that and when they blossom, it's like looking at the sun on a cloudy day. I have to believe that those water lilies believe in blooming bright and vibrant and full of life one sun shiny day. I wanna be like a water lily. I wanna get through all this and shine and have someone look at me and appreciate how beautiful I really am for waiting to blossom despite what it took for me to get there.