BFF

Broken Former Friendship

it's like an automatic version of getting kicked when you're already down
yeah, it's true
I know it is

its all those same emotions as a regular break-up:

foolish
used
hurt
bruised
betrayed
doubting
did you ever really believe in someone that much? that hard? that blindly?
did i ignore the signs? yeah...kind of. call it hoping for the best
in hindsight, it seems like it was a loosing game all along
the traces of an old life were all fading away, I was part of the old
growing pains are awkward and ugly
so are dents
we were bent
now we're broken



unpicturing someone who was supposed to be there for the important moments in your life and erasing them feels impossible
mabye all along they weren't going to be right next to you, but at least they were in your audience
they were part of that web that made up the safety net of your life

it's uneasy
unfinished
nagging
sometimes I think I just want to get the last word in, prove my point
lash out
but that's not it
I want an answer
it's not about finding a replacment, it's about worth, longevity, history
being irreplacable on both ends of it
irreplacable has it's place

I hate that feeling of wondering what the hell you're supposed to say when you accidentally bump into them
it makes me not want to ever do so much for a close friend again and that's not the person I am...it hate that thought, i despise it
ultimately i hate the feeling of wondering who is going to betray me next
I feel foolish for being scared for someone who insisted that my concern was just critcism

really what is this in the grand scheme? just another scar right?
but this one's uglier
those silly boys are supposed to dissapoint you
work too
family is comedic, tragic, a given, you just have to accept them

but those few friends you've always known
the ones you drag with you everywhere in life
the ones you made backyard wishes with
the ones you shared your first mobile freedom with
the ones you have on the other end of your auto dial
the ones that remember where you came from
the ones that remind you where you want to go
the ones that see you through all the bad decisions undone
the ones that will tell you the truth and won't just stand by
the ones that pull you up, pull you out, refuse to accept an "I'm fine"
the ones you shouldn't lie to...the exceptions to the don't tell rule
the ones who can still see past all the years of "adult" debris and find the little kid in you
the ones who know who you really are at the end of the day
those are the friends who are supposed to stay - over night, over coffee, over all the other BS
they're the family you get to choose yourself

10, 20, 50 years from now, people are going to forget what you did and what you said, but they'll never forget how you made them feel.

forgetting would be a reprieve
this bothers me more than I like to admit