Namaste

Stretching forward, all the way forward, slight bend in my knees, hands planted flat on the ground, head hanging low, feeling EVERYthing stretch, stretching further and deeper with every inhale, knowing there was nothing to be done about the stream of sweat running literally running off my forehead, down my nose down into a puddle in front of me, I just had to give it all up. This was no little drip, this was impressive. I know it sounds gross, but it's nothing short of rewarding to walk into that room and feel the heat, literally and physically feel the heat, and know that I have managed to talk myself through the mental game of wanting to just give up and walk out half a dozen times already. But I don't. I don't want to walk out, despite the heat and the secondary lapses of feeling light headed. This is one of the most serious physical challenges I have ever put myself through and I'm loving it.

Tonight, sleep deprived, back already sore from life, lifting, moving, being on my feet all day, just doing my best to keep up and push my limits and work out some of that deep settled in scar tissue from years and years of bad posture and self-neglect, I find myself trying to dissect the playlist on sound alone...I instantly recognized this song by John Hiatt, more for myself than anyone else. A reminder to have a little faith in myself.

In the dim room, breathless, sweating beyond my control, shoulders burning, legs shaking, despite the fact that there was a room full of other people each concentrating on their own pose, nothing less than being forced to just concentrate on my breathing and let my mind wander into thinking about just me, there's a song (that for the life of me, I can't find online right now) that has gotten me twice now. No one any the wiser, lost in having to just give in and work through the challenge of, I started to cry, tears and sweat running down my face. No point in keeping it in or trying to ignore it.

From the instructor "Listen to your breath. Feel your heartbeat. Breathe in strength and beauty, release all the negative, it does not serve you now. It does not serve you in this moment."

I released the long, sleepless day, the previous weekend's feeling of being disposable, the feeling of being locked up and having no place to call home, the worry about not being good enough to capture the beauty I see all around me, the thought that I've wrecked my body in a few short years, that I'll never be able to get this pose, that I'll never find love, wondering how I'm going to pay for all of it, the bad feelings, the shitty things I've said, the shitty things I want to still say, the feelings of hopelessness and insecurity, I let it all out, sweat it out, exhaled it out, cried it out. Just let it out and in that last few moments of class, cooling down, eyes closed, legs crossed, focusing on the steady in and the steady out of air into my lungs, EVERYthing was peaceful. EVERYthing was calm. EVERYthing was right for me in that moment.

Namaste.
"Let it be."
"I bow to you."
"The spirit in me reflects the spirit in you."