Sunday, September 13, 2009

Quite a few of my girlfriends are into internet dating. I was. Once. I was occasionally successful, but I was mostly unsuccessful. That was about 10 years ago. 10 years later, not much has changed. Maybe it's because nothing impresses me. Maybe it's because I'm just getting too weak and I lack the willpower to internet date anymore. Maybe it's because of this:

I realize that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, there are plenty of fish in the sea, to each his/her own......but I also strongly believe that you only get one chance to make a first impression. So far, I've found that most of you guys suck at selling yourselves and some of you just suck. With that, men of the internet dating community, ponder these things:

- There is nothing like the stench of desperation. I throw up a little in my mouth when the first thing I see on your profile is : "I want you to want me" "I dont have an 80’s van with primer LOL" "Willing to lie about how we met" "Look no further I have arrived" .......*gag*
- User name, screen names, handles, whatever they're called...choose a good one. They're important. This is going to be the first nickname that your potential mate knows you by and refers to you by with all of her girlfriends. Assman, MrFister, I love children, MrKiller, DiaperDaddy…spare yourself the embarrassment now.
- ALL CAPS IS ANNOYING, punctuation is phenomenal. I can feel your A.D.D. coming through your incessant run on sentences. That's all I will ever feel from you.
- Using the word "cum" instead of come, "dew" instead of do, "Baby I want you to no", "looking for the rite girl" any other misspelled and overtly sexual words in the "about me" paragraph makes me want to set your profile on fire.
- “No need to look any further” “I'm the one” “What are you waiting for?” "to acquire me you must inspire me" “If you want to be loved, be lovable” Thanks. There’s nothing like a profile header to give you an ultimatum right from the start. I can't wait to get into a relationship that will be wrought with control issues that will spring forward like water from a geyser.

- If every single outfit you own looks like your entire wardrobe was purchased at ComicCon, you should re-evaluate your life's purpose.
- Wear a shirt in your main profile picture. Nothing like meeting your man nipples right away. This aloso applies to self portraits of you leaning up against a porch banister, a tree, or the frame of an empty doorway to a room filled with clutter.
- Since we’re talking about self portraits: for the love of RayJay, learn how to take a self portrait that doesn’t require being bare-chested in your grandmother's daisy print wallpaper bathroom with the camera phone half blocking your face and the flash bouncing off the mirror.
- When you have 17 pictures posted in your profile and 13 are of your sports car, 3 are of your pittbull, and the 1 picture of you has a blonde girls hair on your shoulder, her arm draped over your neck, her check touching your cheek, but there's a black bar inconspicuously placed over her entire face, you should consider getting more friends before looking for a life partner.
- When your favorite profile picture is the one where you are wearing your extra tiny Gold's Gym man tank it makes you look like you're wearing a bra from chest up. Don't do it. Just don't post it. This also goes for extra medium muscle shirts, exposed mid-drifts, and half shirts.
- Do you all own the same Affliction shirt with the angel wings on the back?
- Trim your nose hairs
- Make a note for yourself: webcam pictures make you look like a serial killer.

And finally: Please. Please? If I wanted to be with someone who didn't smile, I would seek out my emotionally disabled, mentally stunted a-hole of an ex.


  1. I so so so agree with you. And I gave up on internet dating years ago. Not that I met weird guys because I didn't, but I hated that those dates felt like job interviews with cocktails and that there was no spontaneous and unforeseen first encounter, and the butterflies in the belly that comes after that. It felt like a full time job, really.
    I think I rather stay single than go through that.

  2. "wax your nose hairs."
    i absolutely agree and LOVE your take on this!
    you're witty, funny, and just downright adorable.
    keep 'em coming!

  3. hahahaha!! TOO funny!! You say it perfectly what we're all thinking- esp about meeting the man nipples right off the bat! I'm still laughing :)