its all the rave

I have a best friend. She has a brother. He is a DJ and a promoter of all things...well, rave. This is a few weeks overdue, but let's say that I've just been busy.

Prior to a few weekends ago, I had never been to a rave, but I was prepared for just about anything. The pictures made it look more posh than reality would turn out. Lack of fancy phone since my iphone-chocola-palooza, I drafted some texts about the sights and sounds and saved the ones that made my friends LOL and LMAO and LMFAO. I don't know that I really need to elaborate much about my 3-day rave in LA. These texts speak for themselves. Enjoy.

"This beat is so hard it's like sitting in one of those massage chairs at the nail place. Lots of pelvic thrusting going on. And Asians. There's lots of Asians pelvic thrusting."

"There's this guy named Robbie who keeps introducing himself to us over and over like a record. He's the one who brought the midget over to ask me to dance. Go figure a midget would find me in a Hollywood club."

"Shit, I almost just got kicked by a schoolgirl."

"IM IN A WAREHOUSE IN DOWNTOWN LA. THESE PEOPLE DANCE LIKE THEY HAVE CEREBAL PALSY. THE MIDGET IS BACK. GOOD THING WE'RE VIP. WE'RE UP STAIRS HIDING. SOME GUY JUST MADE SURE TO REMIND US THAT THERE'S FREE RED BULL IN VIP. RED BULL AND NO MIDGETS."

"There's some drunk DJ saying "dont be a white pigeon be a dove" What the fuck does that even mean? I think I have to be on E to get this shit."

1-minute later: "There's another guy next to him smoking a cigarette in a Jason mask.. There's smoke coming out of the eye holes. How much does that guy smell and why does the screen keep flashing CUNT in big red letters? Where the fuck am I?"

"Back in the barrio and I've discovered that I can spot shirts with wings on them from a mile away. Winged shirts are for assholes."

"Are they linedancing? Do they linedance at raves?"

"There's a lot of skinny jeans and supportive shoes here. I thought there would be more glowsticks."

"SOME DJ IS SAYING SHAKE THAT ONION BOOTY. "

"HE JUST SAID POP THAT ASS. I THOUGHT THERE WERE NO WORDS IN THIS MUSIC."

"Fuck Robbie and his purple sweat headband and his midget. Why are there always midgets everywhere I go?"

"I imagine that ninjas and faries probably go to a lot of raves. That's how they get so spry and light on their feet."

"OMG. Zena the Warrior Princess just walked in. She's standing next to a girl in short shorts that looked like they were painted by Monet. There's a guy next to Monet wearing all black with with a black bowtie. Point Dexter is standing next to Zena. This just keeps getting better." <<< response: "Tell me you have a camera. I have to see this."

"MORE VODKA. I NEED MORE VODKA."

"I'm on the rooftop of the Standard in downtown LA now...there's a pool up here. On the roof. This roof could never be on fire."

"Some guy in a Superman cape just rubbed his head in my boobs. I just got motorboated by Superman. On a roof. In downtown LA."