Wednesday, December 16, 2009

I should have gone to bed

You know sometimes that inner voice that speaks to you is trying to save you from yourself?

I should listen.

Sometimes you should just pay attention before it's 5am and you're walking down your own hallway, topless, covered in glitter and teal paint, with glass stuck in your thumb, wondering when the burning smell will leave the bathroom.

I am a tweaker - minus the injection marks and missing teeth. I'm up when the world is asleep and most productive when the sun is on the other side of the Earth.

I should have gone to bed when I spilled a big box of seed beads on the floor of the spare bedroom. It sounded like that one time I went straight from the beach on North Shore to Chili's and used the ladies room only to dump half of the beach out of my bathing suit and out under the stall door. Whooosh! Who knew that much sand could hide in bathing suit lining?

I should have gone to bed when I tipped the green glitter all over the stovetop in the kitchen. It looked like Tinkerbell got beat to death.

I should have gone to sleep when I almost lit the acrylic ornament paint on fire in the front bathroom.

I should have gone to sleep when I got the tiny sliver of glass broken off in my finger tip.

Finally, sparkly and glass pricked, I should have gone to bed before I accidentally squeezed half a bottle of bright teal acrylic paint on to my light grey fleece $60, work sweater sleeve. Not only the sleeve, but the opening where the paint could slowly run down my left arm, the only part of my body not covered in green glitter.

As I managed to shimmy out of my sweater without streaking my body in paint like a Carnivale performer and soaked my virgin sweater sleeve in hot water in the bathroom sink next to the smoldering ornament, I had to realize.....besides my bathroom at 5am, the only other place you could find a topless, glitter, and paint covered woman playing with water is a strip joint.

It's 5am, do you know where your stripper is?


  1. LMFAO! I can totally picture you doing all of this....too funny.

  2. I can see this all too- only in the life of Lauren... haha!

    My favorite was the death of Tinkerbell :)