30 things: day 26

Day 26 - what do you think about your friends.

I avoided this nearly as much as I avoided day 24. I used to count my wealth in the number of great friends I had. I was rich. I would now consider myself invested, but not wealthy.

You see, the pillars of some of my longest standing friendships, they crumbled this year. I could hem and haw about the reasons why or what could have been different, but I will reduce it down to a couple of things. People change. Grow. Grow up, grow apart, grow away. Where it was once the saddest day to see my childhood friends move states away and wonder how I could get by without them on a regular basis, it was years later a relief to cut off the tension and the doubt that had become our relationship. It wasn't overnight, it wasn't a snap decision, and we are both and all to blame. Too many hurt feelings, too many things unsaid but felt, too little consideration that friendship is a 2-way street. Friendship is a million little things, the little things are where you find your commonality, your kindred spirtness, your inside secrets, your laughs, your thoughts that count, your comfort. It's the little things that hold your friendship together. The little things fell away.

Enough crying over spilled friendships. It is what it is and what is meant to be will be. Maybe they'll come back around or maybe our curtain finally dropped after a slow fall.

But then...there are the new friends I've made in more recent years and more immediate times. The ones who don't know where I've come from or how I was when I was 8 or 17 or 25, but they know me now and they appreciate me now for what I am. In some ways, it's good to start fresh with someone who has a new perspective. They are the ones who see me in today's light despite my baggage. There are the few who are like family to me who still see me in light of my baggage. They have their own to carry, so they're not so worried about commenting on mine.

So what do I think about my friends? I think they are vast and different and I think they are always evolving and growing like we each are as people. As I typed, I checked my horoscope for today; 12/29/2011 and it read: "Don't worry about your friends misinterpreting you -- they always understand you." I believe that. I also believe that I will loose some more and gain some more and I think that I'll take it a day at a time.