suffocating

im suffocating
im suffocating
im suffocating
i was looking up jobs thousands of miles away
stewardess
air traffic controller
dispatcher in another state (uuuuhhh ground hog's day!)
the price of real estate in the middle of the country
top 10 happiest cities in America
is this a new quest for me?
no
NO!
i find myself stumbled upon Internet searches like this all the time
have been for years

tonight i quizzed my co workers about what i needed to change in my life
"i need a brand new life!" i demanded after their suggestions didn't spark anything in me
what keeps me here?
reading all those old blogs, texts, emails for the last 5 weeks
side note: STOP doing that, STOP living in the past!
unless you're finally going to do something about it
i see the messages written throughout, in between the lines
you can always come back home
my friends did.  now we're not friends anymore
travelling all the time...why?  to get away. 
always, always, always getting away - i lived on planes, i thrived in temporary, new environments
it made me happy, got me moving, out of bed in the morning
but i always came back home again.
it wasn't all bad.  home is always home
but it is just a dot on the map
i know this, i'm not sheltered, i'm not naieve to the diversity of this rock we live on
i can't say i've lived in someone else's shoes, but i have tried to learn about where they call home, how they got there, what keeps them, what makes their part of the world go round
i find myself on the side of the road often looking at trail markers, the off-the-beaten path places looking for the the stories that the hardcore tourists just don't find exciting
then i use where i call home as a reference point
for good
for bad
for indifferent

why did they leave? my former friends
for love, for marriage, for a man who needed to have his career or his family come first
it failed, they lost themselves, they never redefined
i can't do this for anyone else
i have to do it for me
fear
fear of the unknown keeps me here
i got that advice, from a good friend, no scratch that a great friend
good, solid advice
it didn't go unnoticed
it didn't fall on deaf ears
but there was timing for it to be heard at the right time
timing
its all about timing
i hear it, i heard it all along, i just didn't have the will to take it to heart
i.can't.stay.in.this.place
"spread your wings and fly"
"you're qualified"
"i believe in ya"
omg...
he's been my jiminy cricket hasn't he?
he's been one of my best friends and i never knew it until i thought he was gone for good
i don't think he even knew how valuable he was for me
scratch that too, IS for me
hindsight, it's a tricky, tricky thing
the thing that i need the most is the thing that i kind of fear the most
complete and utter change
to be uprooted
i think this about myself every time i plant a new plant
root shock
we're not meant to live in small pots for the rest of our lives
roots smashed into submission at the bottom of a pot dying to break free
plant them in the right soil, give them the basics - water and sunshine and they will thrive
my sister wants to move to san diego, my brother has talked about moving out of state for years
so have i - here, and here, and here, and here, and here
the sandbag that kept me tied down for so long is gone and it's good
my attachments to this place i've called home for so long are fading away more and more every day

if someone asked me to close my eyes and imagine the life that i want and not the life i have now, i know what it looks like
i think it would shock many to know what my dream life consisted of
the ones who really know me would barely bat an eyelash
my unassuming jiminy...he asked me what the major items on my bucket list were
i glossed over them
i gave him the watered down version of it
i don't know why
he says that nothing i say to him will change what he thinks of me
in a good way
but still...i didn't say them
why?
am i afraid that if i say them, i'll get judged for them
i'll get judged for not having them yet
how about if i say them out loud?
will they not come true?
???
yeah that's a ridculous thought both  in my head and in writing

i want to be a wife
i want to be a mom
i want to be a photographer
i want to be a writer
i want to live somewhere where my neighbors are at least "down the road" and not all around me
i wanna pack lunches in the morning
i wanna make cupcakes at night
i wanna constantly trying to be finding the balance between my marriage, my children, and a few spare moments to myself
guess what?
all this chaos that i've been living in, the people i've cared for and carried, the work, the stress, 911, tactical pants and notepads out of the trunk of my car in a parking lot in the middle of the night, every ounce and detail of charity fundraisers, rushing, making deadlines, catching flights, missing flights, never stopping long enough to let my suitcase wheels stop spinning, burning the candle at both ends, overtime, overtime, overtime...there's a reason why i was good and am good at handling all these things for all these years
i could do all of those things that i really, really want and i could make them all work
not perfectly, not seamlessly, but damn close
this i do know about myself

i dont want a career anymore
i dont want to pick up the phone and have someone scream at me
i dont want to have to tell someone how to raise their child, fend for their life, or have a shred of common sense
i put in my time
i sacrificed for the public, for my neighbors, for my friends, for my co workers, for those who were in the trenches with me
there is honor in the service, in the years, in the effort and naivety it took to start this job so selflessly as a child myself
i am proud of it
i am still good at it
but it's not what makes me happy, gets me out of bed in the morning, or keeps me going
it's simply what pays my bills

im not being ungrateful
i'm sick of just getting by and paying the bills though
like i was saying the other day
"i feel like i'm right on the verge of change, something really big, something noticeable, something that i can't quite grasp, but that i've been needing and wanting.  i'm sick of being patient, but i know i can't rush things.  it's right there around the corner, i can just feel it."

i can just feel it...in that tiny space in my heart where the doubts cant creep in like weeds
my patience gets thin but then i close my eyes and let the tears wash the doubt away
its right there
i know it is

and i know that i have to push "publish" on this blog right NOW
or i'll find another reason not to and i just can't afford to do that anymore