She's so passionate!!!

I decided last Sunday that I am living a passionless existence. I have been having that thought but then reading a sentence in some guy's match.com 2000 character minimum self-description about finding the one who he wanted to wake up to every morning just about pushed me over the edge. It's only about 1 in every 30 profiles that even catch my attention, so this guy was even ahead of the pack and not that bad looking but then I instinctively rolled my eyes at it anyways. I do that a lot. Then...the thought came. "What the fuck happened to you?" God, I remember day dreaming about cutesy romantical things. I remember daydreaming about my dream career. I remeber having goals. I remember painting a picture in my head of the life I really wanted and the person I wanted to be.

Fast approaching the ripe age of 29 might be partially to blame, but there are many more factors. Yes, there are things that I really like, and a few things I really love, but sometimes I just feel dead inside. I used to get called "passionate" about my response to things and it would piss me off but at least I was passionate about something and then I was more passionate about being called passionate. I don't really get called anything anymore (well at least to my face) and even that doesn't seem to phase me. I think I have died inside.

I go from trip to trip and event to event sometimes without enough time to catch my breath. Then there are the days when I stop so long, I can't convince myself to get out of bed before the crack of 3pm. I know, I might seem bi-polar in the last few posts about loving my travelling life one day and then hating everything in the world the next, but at least I see my own extremes. I do have a sincere love of going places and seeing new things...finding a place on the highway with a double yellow line, a good tune, and just my own thoughts is my ideal place to relax, but I think that the constant going is just my excuse to get away from the things that I am missing in my life. Missing because I want them, not because society's timeline says they should be there.

I think that the phase where the coolness of the things I accomplished in my early 20's is long since gone. Someone at work called me "the oldest of the 20-somethings in the department" a few weeks ago. A) what the fuck does that even have to do with anything? and B) what the fuck does that even have to do with anything? How is that a reference point for anything? The things I accomplished at 23 were fucking cool for 23...but part of the joy of getting those things checked off the list was being ignorant enough to think that was going to carry me further than it obviously has. I guess I've come to realize that the goals you set in life are braggable only until you've reached them and then you had better get your shit together and find another one to challenge yourself with again. Life doesn't end once you've bought a house, found something that pays you for both your time and your medical expenses, and you've squirted out a kid or adopted one from China. Maybe that's why marathon runners seems so cool. They are always pushing themselves to run faster and farther. They keep setting new goals and improving on their own performance. They're not only in competition to the world around them, but they're in competition to be the best version of their athletic self. That and some of them just have screamin' bodies!

I got kind of drunk last night and in my buzz-ed-ness, my friend Kelly told me she wished I got drunk more often because that's when I really speak my mind. Well damn! I thought I did on a regular basis. Apparently, there is a filter left. See now where's that girl when you need her? The one who has a strong opinion left and isn't satisfied with just throwing in the gloves and sitting quietly in the corner cause she's sick of being unheard and misunderstood.

I realized that I used to get a lot of enjoyment out of doing things for other people and maybe I kind of burned myself out. Scratch that. I did. I used to do things because they were the right thing to do and I felt SOOO much passion that I just couldn't say No! Although I don't feel like I've put myself in a position where I've compromised my integrity and my own personal core values, I find myself waiting for people to let me down and burn me, so I stopped participating. It feels like it comes true more often than not. My oldest friend said last week that the ultimate disappointment and bullshit that you have to go through with some people is the reason why she doesn't have a lot of friends. I might try her philosophy out. I've had to trim the fat recently, but I am afraid that I might have cut too deep in some areas.

I used to love my job. I really did. I used to stay late, come in early, I learned it for free during my internship before they even put me on the books. I loved the excitement and the camaraderie. I used to love being a step ahead of the game, the feeling of being unshakable. I don't feel any of that anymore. I still realize there's honor and integrity in my job, but I don't love it. I'm reblogging some feelings here now, but I can't help it. I used to tell my trainees this: "If you don't love this job, it won't love you back."

I want to tell myself: "If you don't love this life, it won't love you back." I do want to love my job. I do want to love my life. I do want to just love. I do.

I don't want to just exist, I want to live in a world full of passion for my work, for people, for places, and for all of my life around me.

It's time for me to get back in the race. It's time for me to put on my running shoes again and get back on pace. I think that it's time to set a new goal and start putting one foot in front of the other again. If you can't learn to pick yourself up after falling, there's no point in entering the race. I'm not a quitter, that's for damn sure and sitting on the bench while life rushes past me has never really been my style.