Sunday, November 29, 2009

sweaty balls

Today, it doesn't take much to piss me off. I guess it was a long time coming after my 65-hour work week, including a 14-hour shift on Thanksgiving at minimum with no break. After 4 hours of marginally good sleep today, through the barage of mass texting and a few unneccesary phone calls, I woke up to a house full of 20-year old teenagers gathered in the hallway talking shit about whoever the target is for the week. Oh yeah, thanks for even asking if I wanted to go do something with you since we didn't go see Kelly Clarkson tonight because you couldn't afford to buy the tickets even though you just went out and bought and iphone the next day.

Yeah, being awake is awesome. Oh look, the dishes from Thanksgiving are still stacked on the counter and in the sink. Nice, and what was that you were saying, Baby Sister who isn't going to school and doesn't pay rent in my house? You have so much extra time on your hands, you want to volunteer at the hospital or senior center because it makes you feel good. How about you volunteer to wash the fucking dishes since you don't pay rent.

Well here's one for you. Dishes that sit and fester in the sink for 4 days after Thanksgiving, which by the way we had salmon and not turkey cause no one wanted to make a big bird, smell like ball cheese. Yeah, ball cheese. Ok. You ok with that? Sweaty ball sac. As if the rotting dishes weren't enough, it was time to cook the pre-marinated tri-tip that you literally pull out of the package and put in the oven, which my father who has lived 70 years on this earth, cannot seem to cook on his own:

preheat oven to 425*
remove tri-tip from packaging
place fat side up
cook for 1 hour

Degree of difficulty: -1

Fine, I'll cook, I'll clean, I'll pay the rent, and I'll do it all in the 2 hours I have before I go back to work again cause someone else is sick again on her Monday.

7:24pm, leaves me with 16 minutes to take a shower, change, make gravy, and throw dinner in tupperware so I can rush off with it to the batcave for another night of incompetence in epic proportions and political demands.

7:31pm, while getting dressed and blow-drying my hair simultaneously, I hear the rattle of a pan hitting the floor. The roast. If the roast is sitting on the floor with the dog pacing in circles while my father tries to both hold on to his walker and save his dinner, I am going to hit something with a rolling pin. Luckily it isn't. It is my father, picking up the crusty salmon ball cheese smelling teflon baking sheet that was supposed to soaking. Apparently he flung it sideways while scraping it with a spatula while insiting that the gouges in it are from cleaning and that's how you clean a pan. With a metal spatula. That was the last straw, people had better be tiptoeing on eggshells while wearing kid gloves and sporting skates for the layer of thin ice that is coating my house right now.

In hindsight, and now that I write this all out, I guess it actually does take a LOT to piss me off. I knew this was coming. I've been too entirely in a good mood lately.


Saturday, November 28, 2009

PEACE is easy

All you need is some paint, a glue gun, a ribbon or two, a streak of creativity, and some caffiene. I made PEACE in my kitchen. If PEACE always looked this good, there would never be any war. The only black Friday stop I made today was to Michael's. I could spend a lifetime there wandering aimlessly with my shopping cart full of glittery things and spools of dollar ribbon. That place is the crafty girl's Mecca. Ohshamalamamaooohhmmm = my crafter's chant. I LOVE nights like tonight, locked inside while the wind blows, with the XM country station playing, the smell of hot glue gun in the air, creativity oozing out of my veins. It's no wonder I made peace. I was at peace.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Gobble, gobble

Happy Thanksgiving.

Happy 14 hours of shift trade and overtime Thanksgiving.

Here's to drinking too much nog and going off on an in-law with a chair, but only after biting their ear off.
Here's to eating so much food, you get heartburn masked as angina but only after suffering for it for hours and hours and finally deciding you want to go to hospital via ambulance even though you had a house full of family all night and you live .3 miles away from the hospital.
Here's to leaving Aunt Sally alone with the unlocked liquor cabinet. PS, not good for anyone.
Here's to locking your car keys in your car on Black Friday at 1am and getting angry that the police department doens't carry slim jims like they did back in the 80's.
Happy 12 more hours still to go in the shift.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

I am in love...

with this wedding blog (click that title up there ^yeah that one^). It is super-fab, but not ultra frilly. There are no dresses in the shapes of cupcakes or overstuffed Kleenex boxes or trains that go on for days, wrapping around chairs and small, unsuspecting children. There are no cliche, over-the-top bouquets of pink roses enveloped in yards of tule, or cheesy towering tier cakes with fake Romanesque pillars and lame hollow plastic figures of the bride and groom.

It is chic and quirky celebration of unique happy people that make you want to be happy too. The photos (!) are just a visual smorgasbord for my eyes! I have been surfing this site for hours now (shhh, don't tell my boss), in between brandishings, attempted burglaries, dog-bites, and prowlers, I cannot stop looking at all things wedding on this site. I know, how un-Lauren like of me!!!

Well, I guess in all my "s/h-appiest-day-of-my-life" visual feasting, I have decided these things:

I want a reception in barn with lots of little lights
I want a red velvet cake
I want lots of colors and a wedding weekend that goes on for days...
I want my guests to sign a cool guitar in lieu of a guest book
I want to take my own wedding pictures yet be in them at the same time (I know, I know...there's now way to do that!)

I want to win the lottery, quit my job, and start an event's planning business hiring all my friends and family who will love to work for me because we will be in the business of making people happy and we will only work with happy people. Bridezillas, cheapskates, and overbearing mother-in-laws need not apply.

But...despite all that, I do not want these things just for the sake of wanting them and that IS very Lauren-like of me.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Meet the Girls

Otherwise known as, Lauren does yoga.

The class requirements are very minimal:

pay the fee
sign the the waiver
bring your own mat
wear comfortable clothing

In the last couple of weeks, I've stretched my chi, found my balance, and learned about the asanas. I've posed like a dog, a cat, a cow, and a serpent, but not a camel. Apparently, that's for the advanced class...oh, how I can't wait.

Yoga is so the opposite of me. It's calm, balanced, and routine. I don't love it and I don't hate it. The teacher is the epitome of yoga teachers. She is petite and bubbly, she can hold her body up bent like a pretezel on one arm, and she breaths like Darth Vader.

My favorite part of the class is the beginning stretch and the ending stretch. Who would not want to calmly sit cross legged in a slightly warmish room with such soothing instructions, "find your place of calm, a place of safety, let your thoughts wander to the physical realm, feel spots of tension, and release them."

Well, apparently, my physical realm took that too seriously. As we sat like Indians and centered ourselves, rocking our hips to a more balanced place on the mat, listening to soft chants and faint bells tolling, I happened to open my eyes just slightly with my head bent down to notice...half an aeriola hanging out of my comfort clothing. The method to my dressing madness was that a stretchable tube top under my tank top would be better suited than a constricting sports bra. Uhhh, think again.

Luckily, everyone else was in their place of calm (probably hoping that they wouldn't fart or queef when we launced into downward-dog-seprent-half-sun-docked-boat pose) and didn't notice that I was half nude sitting in the room.

*Big Sigh*

Prayer for enlightment:



Lead us from darkness to light
From ignorance to truth
And from death to eternity
Let peace prevail everywhere

(unspoken) Let Lauren's breasts not hang out in the rec room at the downtown senior center on Thursday nights

Wednesday, November 18, 2009


Sometimes I think I'm fooling myself when I say that I never think about being single all the time.
Sometimes I really believe myself.
Sometimes, like tonight, it feels like too much to admit, which is why I need to type it out to see it in writing for myself.
Sometimes I write just for me.
This is not a sometime, this song gets me every time.
I'm not completley brave.
If I was, I would put the lyrics here too.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

beautiful mess

What do you see?

A mess probably.

I see the result of a fabulous dinner, a good family get together, and a solid "remember that time?"

If left to his own devices, my father would eat himself into a fast food/salami & cheese coma. I think that might be his ultimate exit plan. So, about once a week, I try and cook something. This week it was tri-tip tacos with all the fixins, homemade beans and rice, fresh grilled tortillas, and pumkin cake with cream cheese frosting. Enough to feed an army...

In the background was about 10 of my family members and the fight. Yeah, you know, that one with the Filipino and the Puerto Rican. Considering the Aquino family was well represented in my living room, you can guess who we were cheering for. This won't happen often, but we made the effort to make it happen tonight.

What a beautiful mess this is.

Monday, November 2, 2009

1-way ticket to Fantasyland

I got sucked into a Fantasy Football league and now I got the foozeball fever.

"Foozeball is the Devil Bobby Boucher!" ~ Mama Boucher

I barely have enough time for reality somedays, yet I find myself searching for top of the league scoring Tight Ends at 3am and praying that groin and thumb injuries heal before Friday practice. Damn you Brett Favre and your healed might have cost me this week's score and my dignity!

No doubt, there is some hot spandexed man ass in the NFL, but as far as I'm concerned, the treasure of the league and the entire fantasy world is THE SMACK BOARD!!!

"Smack that, all on the board, Smack that, gimme some more, smack that, ooooh-oooo-ooooohh!"

Hmm...ain't no surprise that I am the league leader when it comes to the smack board. The smack highlights:

Welcome to The Week 8 Smack Board

Lauren (Oct 30 4:24 AM): Alright beyatches! We're more than halfway into this thing...let's start with some good early morning Friday smack talk!
Lauren : KC, are you ready to rumble!? I'm paying attention and I'm not going to let your primal screams intimidate me!
Lauren : Booooyaaaah!!!
Casey (Oct 30 1:22 PM): bwwwwhhhhhhaaaaa!!!
Casey : KC is serious business ... you should've seen her last nite with her print outs and highligthers!
Lauren (Oct 30 2:09 PM): oh my jezus
Lauren : highlighters
Lauren : we're highlighting stuff in fantasy land
Lauren : is that why she traded somebody with bostigan?
Lauren : farkle...y'all some of you need to simmah down nah!
KC (Oct 31 12:25 AM): I traded for the week for a good QB, not some piece of crap from the waivers...We will see. All my good players have byes this week. Talk about FRAKLE!!!
Casey (Oct 31 12:41 PM): ....or FARKLE! haha
Lauren(Oct 31 3:59 PM): I'm ready for you KC...I just switched out the hot guys on my starting line up for real players! Bring it on!
KC (Oct 31 9:05 PM): You suck...we will see
Lauren (Nov 1 4:50 AM): whoever told you I suck is telling lies.
Lauren : LiES!
Lauren (Nov 1 4:51 AM): Uh, game Monday, you, me, and some makeup remover to take off the highlighter L I'm gonna write on your forehead
Lauren : oh we're talking some smack!
Lauren : in fact I'll even let you, blue, pink, purple, orange, or old school yellow!!!
Kristin (Nov 1 5:40 AM): lauren u suck?? lol hmmmm
KC: (Nov 1 5:47 AM): If my trade for QB (Farve) ever goes thru I will be in business...Keep talking. You will be picking the highlighter color for your forehead
Lauren (Nov 1 8:46 AM): someone's got to use this smack board!
Lauren :'s gonna be close with your borrowed ass QB
Lauren (Nov 1 8:47 AM): me and Drew Brees say suck it
Lauren : suck it long
Lauren : suck it hard

And so the stage was set.

***********POST GAME WRAP UP****************
That was just the most intense football game ever. I need a smoke and I don't smoke. I broke up with Drew Brees but now we're back together...I can't say no to gold shoes or Texas boys.

It's fantasy. It can happen.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

50 questions

Happy November!

How did the entire month of October go by so fast? I worked like a mad woman, I helped plan a fundraiser, I was on vacation for 3 weeks, I was in 3 states in the course of 3 days, took the baby sis and friends on their maiden voyage to Sin City, ate BBQ at Stubbs in Austin and Mexican at Chuys before we got on the flight home...and now I'm back at work, which means...I am also back at blogging since all my distractions have been taken away.

I found these questions emailed to me at 3:30 am just a few days ago, which is just about the best time to do some self-reflecting. Self-reflection is good. So is stretching. I will ponder some of these more complex ponderings while I downward dog and upward cat and whatever the hell else I do in the yoga class that starts on Thursday while praying that no one queefs or shards, which could very possibly be the case since the class is a the downtown Senior Center. Old people farts just might be the death of me.

These are good questions, not the run-of-the-mill "Describe your personality in 5 words or less". I read them, I thought about them, I went as far as to print them out and write out some of my answers - with old school ink and all.

Oh, happy, happy November...welcome, with your bright, sunshiney, 80 degree weather. What kind of shenanigans are we going to get into this month, huh?


1. Copy and paste the questions to a word document or grab a pen and paper.
2. Breathe.
3. Do this quickly, go with the first answer that comes to your mind.
4. Don’t think too hard and have fun.

1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

2. Which is worse, failing or never trying?

3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?

4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?

5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?

6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?

7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?

8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?

9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?

10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?

11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do?

12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?

13. Would you break the law to save a loved one?

14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?

15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people?

16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?

17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back?

18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?
19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?

20. Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?

21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?

22. Why are you, you?

23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?

24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?

25. What are you most grateful for?

26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?

27. Is it possible to know the truth without challenging it first?

28. Has your greatest fear ever come true?

29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now?
30. What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special?

31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?

32. If not now, then when?

33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?

34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?

35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?

36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?

37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?

38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?

39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?

40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?

41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?

42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?

43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living?

44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?

45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?

46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?

47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?

48. What do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?

49. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before that? Or the day before that?

50. Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?

Are you expecting to get a personality analysis from this? The only thing you will learn about yourself is right in the answers; now go after your dream already.