friendship euthinasia

03/15 - I wrote this last week and then talked myself out of putting life into these words. Then it happened again...

Here's what I'm really thinking. This is what is what keeps me up at 4am. How do I call it quits after half my lifetime? When do I say enough is enough? After repeated efforts, after blow out arguments, after getting it off my chest time after time with zero results? If nothing ever changes, what do I do? What do I do?

Imagine what you will with my barrage of questions...it could apply to so many situations and relationships. But this isn't just any old relationship...this one is specific. It has a lot of background for me.

Why do I feel guilt that you have no one else? Why do I feel like this is just a phase when it seems like this is the real you? Why do I feel such attachment after this always seems to be all about you? Lack of interested until you have some free time isn't friendship. Lying isn't friendship. Playing guessing games isn't friendship. Well, OK, unless you live in the OC. No, it hasn't stopped, not even after all the repeated apologies. There are no more excuses or labels that will cover this up again.

You're not a person I would call at 3am if there was an emergency. You're not the person I would call at 3pm for that matter. I am only at the top of your list when you don't have a man in your life, and that's just pathetic. I don't count on you for emotional support. I can't count even count on you to make it to dinner on time or stay until the end of the meal. I don't count you as someone I trust with the serious things in my life. I don't see you standing next to me when I get married.

You drain me. I cared until I couldn't care anymore...I did. I promise you, I talk myself out of caring now because I know it is a wasted emotion. I talk myself out of caring because I have to start caring more about myself.

Have you even noticed? Have you noticed!? Look. I'm right here in front of you. I'm on the other end of the phone. I'm not just a bunch of words in an email...just stop and look.

I stopped responding to you when you told me about your latest outlandish plan. I stopped asking questions about your new relationship that is riddled full of holes and waving more red flags than a battleship game. I stopped giving you my opinion, my congratulations, and my feelings. Anyone who knows me in the slightest knows that is a sign that something is not right. Do you even notice? Do you care?

I've been a good friend. Actually, scratch that, I've been a great friend. I've been a better friend to you than I should have been. I don't want repayment, I just don't want to be your door mat anymore. You can't only talk to me when you need something and ignore me when I don't agree with you. That is not how it goes. You're selfish and childish. You don't even know who you are and that is the most frightening part of it all. If you're friends are mirrors of yourself, I don't want you reflecting back on me.

But why do I care if you read this? Why do I care that this is a truth that might hurt too much?

I can't do this anymore...maybe we can pick up again after some time has passed, but I have to take you out of my life right now. Too much damage has been done. It's not because I don't care about you...it's quite the opposite. I care too much.