Friday, January 14, 2011

NO biting!

I always say that a camera crew should just follow me around. Always. Just for regular things, not even the big events. Regular life is beyond entertaining and always twice as interesting when there is a family member invovled. Yesterday was no exception.

The plan was to get dear Uncle Mickey at 8am in Woodland to make it to the funeral service in Antioch at 10am. Lauren time always runs at least 15 -30 minutes later than it should, so Noah volunteered to get Mickey in the morning. I didn't argue, it meant more time for sleeping.

8 am on the dot, Noah called to tell me that he was already on his way back to Vacaville with Mickey, I was still in bed. Damn. Mickey was dressed and ready to go at 720am, the poor guy has been waiting to get out and see some family for weeks, he actually woke up at 5am to get ready. He was not going to be to blame for missing this funeral service and he he was dressed fabulously, presssed shirt, new sweater, dress shoes, hair done. Noah looked fabulous too, new tie, new dress shoes. Good looking pair of guys to take to a funeral service.

930am, Vallejo, Noah's truck left at work, he jumps in the back seat and we're off hauling ass to Antioch trying not to be late. Mickey's pre-packaged vitamins and medication from the care home on board, it's time for the 9am dose which he's handed with a bottle of water. I brought extra water cause travelling with my adult family is like travelling with children. The supplies are always needed.

945am, crossing the Carquinez bridge, as I'm looking out over the water on either side of the bridge, I notice something on Mickey's face. Cheetoo dust? "What's on your face Uncle Mick? Were you guys eating cheetoos in the car on the way to Vallejo?" Mickey says "What? What's on my face?" as he turns to me, mouth open with a look of confustion, I see for the first time that it looks like he was sucking on an orange highlighter. Bright orange where it should be white, darker near the gum line. I've never seen such a thing. "Uncle Mick! what's going on? What is happening with your mouth? Look in the mirror." The string of curse words comes out, "What is going on? Oh geeze..what the F is this? I look like a #$%ing zoo monkey! What is this &^%? Is it on my sweater? Ah man, this is a mess. "

Noah's response from the backseat: silence.

Still going 75MPH, I hand him every napkin I can dig out of the console and he starts to wipe and talk spreads. Orange in the mustace, all over his hands, napkins covered in orange stuff, all over the top of the water bottle... Out of napkins, Mickey reaches for the newspaper he brought in the car and starts to wipe. Mystery substance and newspaper ink now being rubbed around.

Noah's response: I had a water bottle like that last week. ??? "Noah, get real, tainted water bottles? What are we dealing with here?" More silence from the backseat, just the rustling of bags. I think he's looking for napkins.

Mickey: still cursing and bewildered, refusing to be seen by the family, getting more upset he realizes what happened. The package of vitamins that I had heard him gagging on 20 minutes before contained a salmon oil pill which he couldn't get down. So he chewed on it, through the gel covering and all. Silently suffering through the taste of fish oil, he never said anything about the pill that popped in his mouth and was now seeping all over his face. Oil...we were dealing with an oil spill. Napkins coverd in oil, hands stained orange, he even ate a banana that Silent Noah produced from the back seat...nothing was getting this oil off.

My purse is the Mary Poppins model, so is my giant car. I happened to have a new travel toothbrush, toothpaste, and mouth wash with me. Mickey is calmed by that thought and we were only a few minutes away. He kept staring in the mirror like it was a trainwreck. Just his luck.

10:04, we pull into the parking lot of the church, barely late, I go to pull into the first spot I see, directly in front of the doors, we're gonna let Mickey brush up and get inside before we're even later. Instantly from the back seat: "don't park there." Huh? "Go to the end of the parking lot, I"m carsick, I"m going to puke."

!?!@$?!@@??!!!! What is going on? "Why didnt you say anything?" "I couldn't, I was just trying not to puke, why do you think I was going thru these bags, I was getting one to puke in. I saw the oil on Mickey's face but I thought it was lip balm."

Me: trying to find a place to park...

Noah: "I'm such a pansy. I"m so car sick, why do you think I've been so silent? I"m gonna puke."

Mickey: "Where's the toothbrush, this is staining my teeth, it's worse than the green tea."

Noah: "I have to tuck in my tie. I gotta puke."

Mickey: "Do you have more napkins. This stuff won't come off my hands. I need mouthwash. I'm gonna have to walk myself through the car wash to get this off."

Noah: "Don't come to the front of the car, I'm gonna spew. Just leave me behind. I need the keys, I'm gonna lay in the back of the car. I'm so sick."

Going 45 miles through the church parking lot, faster than the speed of vomitus, I parked in the back forty. With every single car door ajar, 20 seconds later Mickey's furiously scrubbing his teeth, orange foam coming out of his mouth now, Noah is dry heaving holding on to the front of the car for dear life, puke rags and orange napkins are piling up on the floorboard, and they're both walking in circles traumatized. I called Briana. Someone had to know what was happening. I was being punked by life again. Scrambling to find something for these guys to clean themselves up with, I managed to take 1 picture of this episode before I discovered the roll of paper towels in my car while searching for the beach towel that I knew was in the back seat (thank God that I'm a semi-hoarder and always have stuff in the car). At this point Mickey has now taken his top teeth out and is holding them in his hand scrubbing furiously, chorizo colored toothpaste is everywhere. Noah is still dry heaving and talking about how he needs to fart but he's going to shard himself if he does. I'm just trying to figure out how this explosion happened while both staying out of the line of fire and distributing long streams of paper towels.

1020, oil spill now under control, after being convinced not to just leave them in the parking lot, Noah mostly recovered from the carnival ride to Antioch, me managing to not get puked on or stained, we finally make it to the front doors of the church and with one swing of the doors, manage to make it in to the church mid service, no worse for the wear, no one any the wiser. I know, this sounds dramatic and overexaggerated, and in the midst of this episode, I realized that it would come off like that, hence the picture.

If you look you will notice:

Mickey's fish oil covered hand holding his fish oil covered teeth and fish oil soaked napkins. In his other hand, the orange bristle stained tooth brush.

You will also notice the roll of paper towels and the beach towel.

Direct your attention just below the rear view mirror and you will see, the very top of Noah's mohawk as he clings on to the hood of the car while gagging and moaning "nothing's coming up!"

Welcome to the scenes from my life. I cannot make these things up. I have an immense sense of humor, but even I am not this creative.

Post incident Mickey's recollection of the moment he saw his mouth: "I thought I was at the end, the orange stuff was coming up. I was ready to go to the Lord."

Until I get my own show, I will be my own camera crew.


  1. hahhahha! surely we can find someone to sponsor you and install a dash-cam. this is brilliant.

  2. I know!!!!! I'm about to velcro my flip cam to the dashboard!!!

  3. I DO think you need your own show, OMG!!

  4. buhahaha!! I was laughing so hard at this that I spit out my water! Thanks- I truly needed that good laugh :)