January 28, 2011

today...
2 lovely people got engaged
1 Mother, Grandmother, and GreatGrandma died unexpectedly
2 other lovely young people told their families they were going to have their first baby

It was just another day for me...appointments, phone calls, catching up with friends, lamenting over personality conflicts, working overtime, always doing something despite wanting to do nothing. I find myself always saying yes, but never feeling like I make any committments, especially to myself. I stepped on the doctor's dreaded scale this morning and got a rude awakening. I talked to the Dr about the health concerns and time and again and said that I didn't need the information on how to change, just the motivation. Really, I do know how to get it done, I just haven't been scared or disgusted into submission yet.

I see that list up above and think this:
I wouldn't agree to marry anyone unless I lost at least 65 lbs. Shit, I don't want to go meet the online guy for coffee until I loose 10 lbs not to mention the 7 I gained in the last 2 weeks.
I already feel like and old lady and I wonder how much longer I can push the envelope with my health as it is now. Overweight, high cholesterol, high blood pressure...yeah, I'm not f*ing around when I mean pushing the envelope.
I have spent more time trying not to get pregnant in my 20's than trying to and planning the day when I am going to drop news like that on my family seems like a different lifetime. (see excuse #1) Really, people with my health shouldn't even be "with child".

Now, I see the second list and despite the numbers and the feelings it really doesn't impact me like it should. Get up off the couch, Lauren. Go walk the dog, Lauren. Eat an apple instead, Lauren. Why are you paying a monthly gym fee if you haven't been to the gym in almost 2 years, Lauren?

God, what is wrong with me? I don't know when I settled for being malcontent and just lazy. Ugh, maybe this is it. Maybe I am disgusted seeing this in writing right now. What am I waiting for? The scale to tip to The Biggest Loser qualifications number? Maybe when my fingers are too fat to type or write excuses anymore, I might take notice? I'm such an American right now, geeze!

You out there...yeah, you. Don't talk me down from this. Just let me be disgusted. I need to be disgusted. I've got too much left on that bucket list to do...way too much. I want to be that lovely engaged person, and then then lovely having a baby person, and then that lovely lived a long, happy, family filled, died an old, sassy lady kind of life person.

I'm so over myself right now. See this, yeah #9, I really don't think I can swallow having another year go by and not being completly comfortable in my own skin. I just can't do it. I think I need to make a commitment to me. I need to be engaged to me. It's decided. Tomorrow, I'm going to ask me to be with me forever.

And then...I'm gonna walk the dog .