I gotta do me

Sometime last night in the midst of another mid-shift sleep deprived haze, I watched an old episode of an Oprah show. She kept saying "put yourself back on your to-do list". Ok...I hear ya. The universe, through Oprah, is trying to send me a message.

I am my own worst enemy. I know this.

I burn myself into the ground, eat garbage that is adding to my mounting cholesterol, don't sleep enough, suck down sodium despite the 10 years of blood pressure medications that I've been on, don't use enough sunscreen, workout in spurts, and then sit for days at a time without as much as a stretch, I don't bother using the mouth guard that cost me $300 to keep me from grinding away the enamel on my teeth in the middle of the night, and drink until my liver hurts.

I have $1000 worth of unused personal training sessions at the gym, a $250 box of vitamins sitting unopened by the front door, and $80 worth of organic fruits and vegatables wilting away in the garage refigerator. I have had monthly if not weekly visitst with the dentists, eye doctor, physical therapist, occupational health dr, primary care dr, chiropractor, massage therapist, and the newly added natropath. Chinese herbs and vitamins litter my house in pre-packaged pouches like a GNC pinata explosion.

Today, I've eaten a chicken sandwich, fries, tacos, and a cherry coke. Yeah, way to do the food pyramid proud, kid.

My current to-do list includes wrapping an overdue present, buying a wide angle lens, mopping the floor, and picking up the dry cleaning. No where on my list is a spot that says anything about walking the dog, spending 30 minutes on the treadmill, cooking the organic quinoa that's been sitting on the kitchen shelf, or joining that yoga class I have decided would be great for the repetative motion injury.

Why do I do these things? I can't answer that with any believeble excuse. I dole out advice on health and soak up information on nutrition on a daily basis, but as soon as I'm confronted with a Reeses peanut butter cup or a slice of pizza, I cave like a deck of cards. My inner diva has been suffocating for a long time now and every time she speaks up to loudly, I bitch slap her with a heavily frosted cupcake.

I'm not completley self-loathing right now, I'm just really disappointed in myself and I have no one to blame but me. I gotta put myself at the top of my to-do list for the first time in a long time and I gotta keep me there.

Cuz I'm a hazard to myself
don't let me
I'm my own worst enemy
it's bad when you dont know yourself
so irratiting
don't want to be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else
~ Pink