To bee or not to bee?

I'm just going to throw it out there. I might as well be masturbating farm animals. My zuchinni is not long, lush, and green. It's tiny, shriveled, and yellowish brown on the end. It's gross when, by now, it should be fruitbearing and in my pasta primavera.

Lack of calcium is the supposed reason that these things won't grow. Ok, I can buy that. Literally, I can go out and buy something to stick in the soil and hope against all hopes that they grow strong squash things and produce fruit.

No, what seems to be my problem is lack of male pollination. Yes, go ahead, read into it. Story of my freaking life. Either too much or not enough. Can we just find a happy medium with the entire species of male pollinators?

Well, today in about 2 1/2 hours when I get home, I'm going to trapse around the backyard looking for male blossoms, so I can pull their heads off, peel back the petals, and stick the dusty, yellow pistol into the female stigma and hope in less time that it takes to have a human baby, there might be something to stick in my pasta soon.

Hi, my name is Lauren and I help my summer squash have sex in the morning.

Laugh.

It's funny.

Where's a damn swarm of bees when you need some zuchinni spawned?