Thursday, February 17, 2011

You have got to be kidding me.

Am I crazy or is this a freaking joke? Really? Really?!!!! Read on...this JUST happened. In case you're not thinking dastardly enough to read behind the lines, I took the liberty (*)

SacKingFan: Good morning!

[1:34:41 am]PhotoGal81:hi

[1:34:57 am]SacKingFan:How are you doing tonight?

[1:35:12 am]PhotoGal81:im good

[1:35:20 am]PhotoGal81:how about you?

[1:35:44 am]SacKingFan:doing OK. Just watching Jimmy Fallon and trying to relax a little bit
(*relax = nude from at least the waist down)

[1:35:53 am]SacKingFan:What is a beautiful woman such as yourself doing on here
(*unnecessary flattery by strangers, the first sign of douchery)

[1:36:18 am]PhotoGal81:seeing whats out there :)

[1:36:57 am]SacKingFan:anything yet?

[1:37:02 am]SacKingFan:what are you looking for?
(* AKA = I have a half chub)

[1:37:18 am]PhotoGal81:eh....i guess i haven't been looking that hard

[1:37:21 am]PhotoGal81::)

[1:37:34 am]SacKingFan:why do you say that

[1:37:36 am]PhotoGal81:i'm pretty busy...hard to meet people and get to know them with my schedule

[1:37:52 am]PhotoGal81:i haven't really been looking too much lately...i don't think i've logged in for a few days

[1:38:31 am]SacKingFan:what are you looking for though
(* 1:38am exactly (pants? who wears pants when they talk to "beautiful women" strangers online)

[1:39:02 am]PhotoGal81:a serious relationship

[1:39:16 am]SacKingFan:aren't we all?
(*apparently not you douche)

[1:40:05 am]PhotoGal81:i think there's a lot out there just looking for something light
(*light = one pump chump, 5-minute man, booty call, hit it & quit it, generally a creature of douchery)

[1:41:09 am]SacKingFan:something light?

[1:41:31 am]PhotoGal81:yeah, casual dating
(*I see the error of my ways here..."casual dating" must mean "do me and do me now. no, I don't need flowers, I just need man parts. I'm THAT kind of girl.)

[1:42:00 am]SacKingFan:how casual are you looking for?
(*AKA = do you wanna $#@^&? or will you call me and say crude things at 2am?)

[1:42:31 am]PhotoGal81:well im not looking to get married tomorrow. so pretty casual to start with
(<<< *I feel the need to defend that while I was thinking this was appropriate as to not tell some stranger that I wanted to be engaged by next summer and have a child before the end of the world, apparently in a man's mind, I've just said "yes, I trust the pull out-method, we'll be fine")

[1:42:47 am]SacKingFan:well, that is a good thing ;-)
(*extra sch-wing)

[1:43:27 am]PhotoGal81:what about you?

[1:43:57 am]PhotoGal81:( laptop battery is about to die and the charger is out int he car and it is waaaay too cold to go get it)

[1:44:13 am]SacKingFan:looking for the same thing. Want someone that loves to kiss and son on
(*the same thing?! did I say anything about kissing and "so on" WTF?!)

[1:44:15 am]SacKingFan:*and so on

[1:44:40 am]PhotoGal81:yeah

[1:46:07 am]SacKingFan:want someone that loves to be intimate
(*uhm, ok...)

[1:46:22 am]PhotoGal81:dont we all? :)
(*ok, do we call this leading? really...I was just agreeing that in a "serious relationship" as I clearly answered that I wanted, intimacy with a said serious-relationship person that I clearly would have had spent some getting-to-know-you time with, intimacy...yes, would be desired.)

[1:47:15 am]SacKingFan:well, this last relationship that I was in - didn't like oral at all and I was lucky to be intimate once or twice a month
(*notice the 2 minute gap in response, hear the crickets chirping in the awkward silence...this is where the string of curse words, nauseating feelings of disgust, and bafflations vomited all over my bedroom)

[1:49:05 am]PhotoGal81:i'm gonna ask an honest question?
(*AKA, I'm about to be a bitch)

[1:49:20 am]PhotoGal81:are you on here to hook up? you're pretty quick into talking about how much oral you don't get
(*I don't blame her)

[1:49:24 am]SacKingFan:I would hope that it would be an honest one - LOL
(* me = not one laugh out loud)

[1:49:41 am]SacKingFan:i was just saying......
(*AKA = so you're probably not going to call me and have phone sex......)

[1:49:45 am]SacKingFan:that is all

[1:50:02 am]PhotoGal81:its pretty forward
(*you jackass)

[1:50:32 am]SacKingFan:i hope that i didn't offend you
(*ooops, there I go offending girls again...)

[1:50:39 am]SacKingFan:and if I did, I apologize
(* AKA = maybe she'll let me get to cyber-third-base if I apologize)

[1:51:11 am]PhotoGal81:not offended, its just a little bit off putting
(*go F yourself, I want my last 15 minutes back)

[1:51:35 am]PhotoGal81:not to be rude..i dont know you...just saying
(*totally to be rude)

[1:52:00 am]SacKingFan:i understand. But you did ask what I was looking for
(*ok, I clearly did NOT ask about the rooster-sucking activities of this donkey-hole's previous non-intimate years.)

[1:52:25 am]SacKingFan:and I don't want to beat around the bush and tell you a lie
(*you're not getting anywhere around my bush. You disgust me.)

[1:52:38 am]PhotoGal81:well at least you're up front
(*well at least I know that you're a douchebag right away)

[1:52:51 am]SacKingFan:I usually am and it always gets me in trouble

[1:52:53 am]SacKingFan::-)

[1:52:56 am]PhotoGal81:well there you go
(*Eff off mother f%^&er)

For the cherry on top of this full-of-shit sundae, here's this guys self-description:

I am a single, kind gentleman who was brought up to treat a woman with respect and treat a lady like a queen. Unfortunately, life has brought me some bad deals and I have gotten screwed over. But that won't stop me in my quest to find everlasting love. When on a date, I always open the doors for a lady, pay the bill, walk them to the door at night, etc, etc.

Let's take it upon ourselves to read the "etc, etc" as "this whole paragraph is a lie. I just want the poonanny."

Carly, where you at? Come thefuckon already! Did we not meet over a blog describing still this same kind of behavior? Does anything ever change? How about we at least reference this torrential downpour we've been having before we start in with the sex talk. WTF is going on?!
"Being honest" and "not beating around the bush" does not give you license to verbally & fallicly slap a stranger in the face at 2am. I'd eat my own eyeball before settling for one of these guys.

That's it...I'm canceling the morning eye appointment (I won't need an appointment since it's already been decided that I'm eating my eyeballs rather than get invovled with a jack-hole) and first thing in the morning I'm going to the SPCA to adopt a cat. I give up. This is just ridiculous. I'm gonna train my cats how to do tricks and claw douchebags in the nutsacs for sport.

(2:39:01)Karma'sPunchline: oh I'm sorry, did my cat, Rooster, just puncture your testicular sac? You should really have that looked at. You should probably leave pretty quick, my dogs I'm Single & Not Desperate get really unpredictable with the smell of blood in the air. You should probably go. I'm just saying...


  1. I love getting reminders of why I don't do that anymore.

  2. Ah, this brings back memories of my on-line dating...I really miss the "small talk" and "back pedaling" that guys do when you call them out. Forever etched in my brain is the guy who was already in a 'serious' relationship but still want to go out (&@#*) with me...and the other guy who tried to berate me when I told him I was looking for a long-term relationship (ultimately) and he was like "Whoa...what about just having fun??" and then 2 months later HE was engaged!


  3. if i could type right now, i have a lot to say. however i am doubled over laughing. you have nooooo idea.

    i have let you down (*no, i didn't say "go down") over the last couple of weeks in my hibernation but yes, yes, yes, this IS the story of our lives. the search for a love (or man) that doesn't exist. the disgusting headpushers, the dirty liars, the stinky rotten crotches.

    i have just decided on the title for my new book:
    "because i didn't like oral."

    it is actually more fitting than i ever would have guessed......

    thank you, thank you for the belly laugh. i haven't laughed for days.