Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Broken compass

Something is off. My internal compass is broken and I'm not sure what direction I'm headed lately. I don't even really know how to explain it other than I don't know which way is North anymore. I realize that there is a certian spiritual meaning in that last sentence.

I have everything and nothing to say in this blog. I almost feel like life as of the last few years was just one social event to the next and I know there is much more purpose to life than that. I got a random text tonight that made me want to throw the phone across the room. I swear my heartrate jumped and my blood started to boil. Why? Why would I want to go back there to that place even for a brief response to an otherwise seemingly harmless question. That chapter has had it's last sentence written. There's nothing more to say, yet, it keeps popping up.

Maybe it's not my compass that's broken; maybe I just had a switch inside me flip on, or in that case, I had another one flip off.

Sometimes I feel like I'm having an out of body experience. Like I'm looking at my life and not only do I not recognize myself sometimes, I don't like what I'm seeing in its place. I read this great article titled "The 7 Reasons You're Not the Woman You Want to Be" and related to pretty much every single topic. I get that people reinvent themselves and learn and change and grow, but there has to be a baseline to keep things grounded.

This is a partial emotional roadmap of my day:

Regret. Woke up with a feeling that I haven't had in a while. I said something over the weekend that I reallly didn't have any point in saying. I'm not even completly sure where it came from. I don't know that I regret the implication of what it resulted in as much as I regret the person it made me look like. I've had this thought on my mind a lot lately - Every is their own person. We get caught up in taking up causes for other people and I think that is where we lose some of ourselves. I'm trying (and failing usually) to find the fine line between where my moral compass rests and my social loyalties fall.

Vulnerability. I went and saw a lady about a wax. Let me tell you, there are a few moments in time that I have told myself "Self, remember this moment for what it is" This was one of them. Nothing more awkward and intrusive than a bikini wax. As I lay there in an otherwise compromising position, I actually said, "The things women do for beauty..." and just shook my head quietly to myself. I'd like to paint you a picture of hilarity and synicism of this actual scece from today, but then I realize that I haven't flagged this blog for "adult content". I guess that story is for another place and time.

Nostalgic. As I watched my sister drive off with her friend and my friend, I realized that I was missing out on a potentially great couple of days with them. I don't spend enough time with my sister and as far as my friend...she's a good one, frustrating at times, but a good person. I tend to let the frustrating part take over the good part and I loose focus. Gotta stop doing that.

Proud: I've lost 9 lbs. That's a big deal for me. I haven't managed to do that with any consistency or permanency in a long time. I have managed to put myself first in one arena, now if it would just carry over into the other ones.

Hopeful: Even with my broken compass, I can see the light shining through. I know where my loyal, true freinds are and that's all that counts. I think that the implosion of certian circles is a blessing in disguise. I have put off a lot of things and haven't prioritized some of my relationships and passions and that is what is ultimately paying the price.

In about 24 hours, I'm going to be leaving for Mexico for a week. I'm going to try and just have one thought and feeling for the week - happiness. Maybe it will help me get my compass pointing back in the right direction.

1 comment:

  1. sounds like you've hit that place in your life that alot of people come to. Don't worry, my mom always reminds me that "its only for a season" and that you'll be back on track soon. I think times like this are really good for us as awful as they feel because they get us thinking. When my uncle died last month it put me in a place kinda like the one you're in now and really shook my world. Remember that things don't change over night, they take time but they do change.
    Congrats on the 9lbs girl, keep it up! but keep the cupcake pics coming so I can at least stare at them :)