change is good

A yoga lesson from this Sunday's class - in what could be pages and pages of blog thoughts I had during that class, I just want to document this thought for right here & now:

Krista, my favorite yoga teacher, at the end of the 90 minutes of class, said,
 "remember where you were when you first came to class and notice where you are now."

It made me think:

Just the other day, a few days after writing my introspective 31st Happy Birthday post,
I read the blog from when I turned 29 .

Reading between the two of them, there's a change…there's a difference, and it's a good change.

{pause here to thank God for this online journal I've kept, these are the moments in which I'm most greatful for keeping a diary here, for keeping a record of me for me}

In between 29 and 31, I had a lot of shitty stuff, a lot of nights spend crying in my pillow, in my car, at my console, just crying cause I was hurt, confused, frustrated, angry...
I've spent a lot of time in these last couple of years: learning, hurting, bending, molding..(insert verb).

It made me think of a belated birthday card I just got from my oldest, wisest Aunt Esther, she wrote that 31 snuck up on me (you're telling me!) she remembers the first time she saw me at the hospital when I was a newborn, but she's enjoying watching me grow through all my life's experiences.

In all this reminiscing I've done lately and listening to the Universe, I'm seeing that despite how hard it seems some days, I am coming out on the other side and it's a pretty good feeling.

 I was commenting to a friend the other day that I sometimes feels stagnant, like things just don't progress, that  it's the same shit but different day.

Looking back, that's not the case. Change is gradual - occasionally sprinkled with moments of utter chaos and decisions that you make in a split second that seem to alter your universe, but mostly graudual.

In my post-yoga mental clarity, I literally compared my life and my own progression to the practice of hot yoga and getting from the beginning to the end of class:

It takes some heat, some sweat, some dedication, some mental stamina, some quieting of your mind, some focusing on your breathing, some practice over and over and over again, but slowly you make progress, you learn to streatch, you learn to push yourself, you learn to set goals, and with all those things working continuously, taking them one moment at a time, eventaully you see a change.

&

Change is good.

B.A. Matador

I believe in things just coming together...
I believe in timing...
I believe in fate...

I believe that somehow, someway, in my struggle to stay awake on this long, long shift I volunteered for, it was just meant for me to stumble across this website, MatadorU travel writer's course, while I was just, simply looking for a travel quote. 

My friend and fellow blogger, Lynn sent me this article earlier in the evening.

Via email at 0029 hours this early morning, I responded to my admissions counselor about changing my major to a B.A. in  Business Marketing.

My co-worker, Kelli, was visting with me last night remniscing about her college-aged daughter's travels as a missinoary, blogging, writing, and photographing hospice patients and school children in Ethiopia.  "Kelli, if I could do it all over again, I'd be a travel writer."  I said those actual word less than 8 hours ago.

This is not a co-incidence.  This is another message from the Universe. 

Bucket list:  #46 and #54, I'm coming for you.

We will meet soon.

X.O. ~ Lo

Just be Honest

Oh Jason Mraz, you're in my head! 

I'm in lyrical lust with your newest album, Love is a Four Letter Word. 

This song:  Be Honest

Ok go, go hang your heart on, any tree, 

You can make yourself available to anybody, 

Cause every livin' person knows you are a prize, 

Whichever way you go I'll be easy to find, 

I don't ask for much, just be honest, with me 

I don't ask for much 

Think of this song as a promise you can do what you want, 

If you decide you wanna move into a new stage, 

Deleting me from pages in your mission statement, 

My love is unconditional, make no mistake, 

I don't ask for much, just be honest, with me, 

I don't ask for much, just be honest, with me, 

Who we are, when love is what it wants to be, 

We are free, and we are, having the best day ever by far, 

Being treated to the light, like a superstar 

I can hold space while you see what your heart has to say about me, 

I acknowledge you for what you do to keep strong, 

There's no dotted line to sign away your freedom, 

I'll always stand beside you, don't get me wrong, 

I don't ask for much, just be honest, with me, 

Who we are, when love is what it wants to be, 

We are free and, we are, having the best day ever by far, 

Being treated to the light, like a superstar 

If I miscommunicated I apologize, 

If the picture that I painted wasn't very nice, 

My love is standing by you whatever you decide, 

I don't ask for much, just be honest, with me, 

I don't ask for much, just be honest, with me 

Who we are, when love is what it wants to be, 

We are free, and we are having the best day ever by far, 

Yes we are... Yes we are..

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

in the last few days, weeks, and couple of months:
 I got honest with myself and with someone else

appreciated what it's like to have someone stick by you

realized the importance of just letting go

embraced trusting that what will be will be 

made a lifelong commitment to remember to just take it one breath at a time

and...

I got this birthday message from my dad: 

"Happy Birthday.  May that young man (          ) see the riches of your person, not to pass by.  

Love, your DaD"

just {.......} breathe

in this blog, this Karma journal of mine,over the course of four years, I have labeled no fewer than

33 blog posts with "just breathe"

working out, sifting through heartache, taking chances, enduring hot yoga...no matter what the cause, I've found myself, my inner, small, sweet voice, my own Jiminy Cricket, at times that loud Scarlett O'Hara, saying ...just breathe...just breathe...just breathe...

@ noon, on my birthday, just a few days ago, I walked in with a handful of pictures, and idea, and told the artist what I wanted.  He drew it up, put the temporary stencil on my arm, and when I saw it, I loved it.  I took one breath, and said "ok, let's make this thing fly"

...just breathe... my motto, my mantra...

and anchor: to remind me who I am, where I come from, and Who made me

a bird: to remind me that anchors are not weights, they're place markers, beacons, and while you can be anchored, you can always remember that you can take a deep breath, exhale, and then take a leap and spread your wings and fly

31.

and so today is my 31st birthday...officially 7 minutes ago
although I was actually born at 2:18 in the morning 31 years ago

I've been more than contemplative lately and this stroke of midnight was no exception

What has changed since last year?  What more or less have I become?
not much I started to think...but then I stopped that thought and it all started coming back to me
so, of course, I came here, like I do when I'm listening to my heart

I turned on the music to keep me company and of course by some manner of mind trickery, Adele radio was playing and this song was the first that came on - if I could have made the record scratch, I would have...oh, it's funny actually.  It is.  I'm finding myself chuckling and rolling my eyes at the irony.  The Karma of it all.

but, let me not get sidetracked -  onto to the ever important 30 > - < 31 in the dash moments 

In the last year, I have:

} finally gotten my space, my freedom, my own house, my independence
} lost two dear friendships and let go of my relationship with my father - during that process I also let go of a lot of anger and hurt, there are still streaks of it there, but they don't rule me like they used to
} gained a great appreciation for someone who was always there, but I never saw until recently, I literally drove from one great friendship to the next in the matter of hours...one of my favorite memories
} over all gained more new friends than I "lost" for true friends are never really lost, sometimes you just have to part ways for a while
}saw my brother cross a 4 month finish line, I watched him turn into something that I never knew he had in him
} took a call that has turned out to be a career defining - in this moment, I can say that, if by some misfortune or lottery moment, I handed over my headset tomorrow, I could walk away knowing that there was "that" call that I knew I had meant to step into this profession for nearly 15 years ago
} have felt the call of somewhere else that is calling me "home" but it's just not revealed itself yet...but I hear it more distinctly than ever
} decided to change my major to Business Marketing, something I never considered until it hit me that it might push me in the direction of finding my career passion - I'm looking forward to updating this next year
} lost a dear, sweet love that I called family, an end that we knew was going to end all too soon, but never knowing when that might happen
} opened myself up to more relationship possibilities than I have in all of my 20's...none were right, all were lessons, nothing's broken me, I'm still learning every day, right now every hour, I'm working really hard on the relationship with myself and my life and being thankful for all that I have to share with someone else
} planted two garden beds that had been on my list for three years
} completed 3 competitive runs, including a mud run, things that I always wanted to do, but never imagined I could
} joined yoga, bootcamp, a new gym, and a new appreciation for marathon running and outdoor adventure
} felt more comfortable in my skin than I have in previous years
} started a new venture 
} went under the knife, and out to the world for my first time, and then 6 days later for my second
} survived
} grew my hair out, brought my waist in, and saw myself through someone else's appreciative eyes
} spoke my mind without regret
} started mending fences 
} wrote...and wrote...and wrote some more - I'm looking up now at the words above this bullet point and I see my life, my journey, my hopes, my sorrows, my dreams, my hurts, my wishes, my love, my hate, a girl who wants her dad, a kid who wants her best friend again, a woman who is learning what it is like to open her heart and not fear getting rejected, and a public servant understanding the bind that is an oath

I am admitting to myself more now than ever, that my heart is open, it's feeling and seeking all the time, not as closed off as it used to be - torn open by sorrow, hurt, and loss, but being washed by tears and the kind of laughter that only comes when you've gone through the worst of it, and not around it, not over it, but straight through it, stuck to your decisions, your words, or taken the high road, the humble road and made amends.

next year...in "32", what will have changed?  What will have occurred?  I don't know...the older I get, the less I realize that I have to let life happen organically, not planned and executed according to my plan but according to my Creator's.

today, I am 31 years young and I know that the best is yet to come

smile, breathe

Yoga 1 week later, same circumstances, didn't leave the house all day, it was hot outside, I was feeling down, but 10 minutes until it would have been too late to leave for class, I just convinced myself to go because it just does me so good (so, soo good) and Krista, well she is just such a great teacher it made my  decision that much easier.

It was 96..7…8...9* degrees outside on this June afternoon.
The room inside was just as hot.

Vinyasa, for all intensive purposes it means flow.

Imagine, move and hot, move in hot, then move and hot, and then more move in hot: 

an imagine puddle of sweat was happening.

It started quickly and progressed from a plop..plop..plop, to a constant stream. 

 My mind chuckled recalling wanting to be in a pool just the other day and realizing that I got my wish:

I was in a pool...of my own sweat.

Krista, she told a story to set the intention for the class - she spent the earlier part of her afternoon in the Mission District, and having to use the restroom, found the closest one in a seedy bar a few doors down the block. The bathroom walls covered in ink and graffiti, the messages scrawled not to be repeated in class save one: Smile, you never know it might change someone else's day.

I haven't been smiling a lot, really at all.

I took that message as personal and to heart.

Another reminder: with the good, the bad, the ugly, let it all out, get through it, open your heart.

"Bow to your practice, bow to your friends,

and from an old lady, when you find real, genuine friends, keep them."

Oh that message, the message of clinging to, treasuring, and holding your friends close,

that one spoke straight to the heart of me.

It was a really tough class. I felt really strong and then I felt really weak.
It was a battle, but that was fine today because warrior pose is my favorite

and there was a lot of warrior flow today.

Standing there, feet planted intentionally, arms outstretched, staring down my arm towards my fingertips like I was staring down barrel of a gun, watching the sweat glisten off my arm, over my shoulder, past the tattoos, rolling to my forearm, and then dripping down off my elbow onto the floor.

I felt strong standing there like that.

As we came to the end, she said this is a special class "my lambs, because this is my last for this time slot."

I sunk a little bit.

She said "it's too hot and I am too old to keep teaching in this hot of a class, my mother was younger than me when she passed and I have to listen to my body."

I can understand that.

When I looked up, I noticed 3 or 4 other women crying, and I know what that feels like,

'cause I come to yoga for the same reasons they do.

Much to our comfort and to stop our tears, Krista assured us she would still be teaching Sunday, Mellow Flow. Church Flow, that's what she calls it, and that's what I call it too.
It'll go on, they'll be another great teacher for the midafternoon class and I'll keep going to Church Flow,

but just when I thought this class would be an easy go of it, it never is.

Be with your breath.

Just keeps reminding me of the birthday present that I am going to get and all of the moments in life when you have to remember to breath, and that really if you can't breath, you can't live.

If you're heart stops beating, your lungs stop pumping.
Even while you're heart can still pump, your lungs can stop breathing and although we've found ways to work around that, lack of breath is lack of life.

It's the painful and deliberate consideration of compassion family members have to make when they have loved ones at the end. Do we let them live on machines?
What kind of quality of life is that?
We've had those conversations in my family,
more frequently now as the older generation continues to get older

Very, very recently, I know what the pain of that decision looks like, what it feels like, what it does to a family. The decision to "unhook" the machines and let the last few breaths come
slow, unsteady, but natural until the last one.

I hear the words echo in my head from a memorial service I just attended a few weeks prior:

"It was my privilege to be there for my precious baby to take her first breath, and it was my privilege to be there, on Mother's Day, to hold her in my arms as she took her last."

The end of breath is the end of life.

Well, life here, in this body, as we know it tangibly.

Still thinking, of all the times you're nervous and someone said to you, your mom,
your coach, your trainer, your best friend "just take a deep breath"

All those times I've said it, hundreds.of.thousands.of.times now over the.course.of.my.10-year.career:
"just take a deep breath"
"just calm down and then answer me"
"just remind them to breathe"
"are they breathing?"
"can you feel, see, or hear any breath coming out?"
"just keep monitoring their breathing and let me know if anything changes"

Labor, bringing life into the world, what do they teach you?

Breathe, you have to breathe, breathe through the contraction, breathe through the pain.

So any question I had about my birthday present has been put to rest.

Just breathe.

Smile and just breathe.

everything old is new again

I've started a new project, a marketable challenge, I'm only 2 posts in, and then I screeched to a halt...
what am I doing?  A new chapter?  Out with the old and in with the new?
NO!


this blog, my Karma blog that I started in 2008, the one that's seen me through so much, my life raft, my safety harness...am I abandoning it?  Fracturing it into little pieces or new volumes? Recreating an old classic?

am I fooling myself into thinking that if I start one with a new title, I'll...what, exactly?
be braver?
what am I hiding? ...what are you hiding?...

I'm not.  I'm not hiding, but this (the marrying of the two) is like leaving your diary unlocked and out in the open because you don't want your secrets to be secret anymore.  It still has a cover, but it's not bound.  It's there for the reading, if the reader so chooses.

this space will always be mine, it was once only mine, and like any good relationship, it takes time to reveal itself...these 300+ posts are my heart and my soul, my love and my hate, and they will always be here, to anchor me, to remind me where I once was, to keep showing me how far I've come.  I'm not done writing this volume either, but, as I look back, these stories they have to be told...they just need a new platform

so, slowly...slowly, I'll dust them off, shine them up, and put them out on display...because everything old is new again

and that's just another part of my beautiful mess