31.

and so today is my 31st birthday...officially 7 minutes ago
although I was actually born at 2:18 in the morning 31 years ago

I've been more than contemplative lately and this stroke of midnight was no exception

What has changed since last year?  What more or less have I become?
not much I started to think...but then I stopped that thought and it all started coming back to me
so, of course, I came here, like I do when I'm listening to my heart

I turned on the music to keep me company and of course by some manner of mind trickery, Adele radio was playing and this song was the first that came on - if I could have made the record scratch, I would have...oh, it's funny actually.  It is.  I'm finding myself chuckling and rolling my eyes at the irony.  The Karma of it all.

but, let me not get sidetracked -  onto to the ever important 30 > - < 31 in the dash moments 

In the last year, I have:

} finally gotten my space, my freedom, my own house, my independence
} lost two dear friendships and let go of my relationship with my father - during that process I also let go of a lot of anger and hurt, there are still streaks of it there, but they don't rule me like they used to
} gained a great appreciation for someone who was always there, but I never saw until recently, I literally drove from one great friendship to the next in the matter of hours...one of my favorite memories
} over all gained more new friends than I "lost" for true friends are never really lost, sometimes you just have to part ways for a while
}saw my brother cross a 4 month finish line, I watched him turn into something that I never knew he had in him
} took a call that has turned out to be a career defining - in this moment, I can say that, if by some misfortune or lottery moment, I handed over my headset tomorrow, I could walk away knowing that there was "that" call that I knew I had meant to step into this profession for nearly 15 years ago
} have felt the call of somewhere else that is calling me "home" but it's just not revealed itself yet...but I hear it more distinctly than ever
} decided to change my major to Business Marketing, something I never considered until it hit me that it might push me in the direction of finding my career passion - I'm looking forward to updating this next year
} lost a dear, sweet love that I called family, an end that we knew was going to end all too soon, but never knowing when that might happen
} opened myself up to more relationship possibilities than I have in all of my 20's...none were right, all were lessons, nothing's broken me, I'm still learning every day, right now every hour, I'm working really hard on the relationship with myself and my life and being thankful for all that I have to share with someone else
} planted two garden beds that had been on my list for three years
} completed 3 competitive runs, including a mud run, things that I always wanted to do, but never imagined I could
} joined yoga, bootcamp, a new gym, and a new appreciation for marathon running and outdoor adventure
} felt more comfortable in my skin than I have in previous years
} started a new venture 
} went under the knife, and out to the world for my first time, and then 6 days later for my second
} survived
} grew my hair out, brought my waist in, and saw myself through someone else's appreciative eyes
} spoke my mind without regret
} started mending fences 
} wrote...and wrote...and wrote some more - I'm looking up now at the words above this bullet point and I see my life, my journey, my hopes, my sorrows, my dreams, my hurts, my wishes, my love, my hate, a girl who wants her dad, a kid who wants her best friend again, a woman who is learning what it is like to open her heart and not fear getting rejected, and a public servant understanding the bind that is an oath

I am admitting to myself more now than ever, that my heart is open, it's feeling and seeking all the time, not as closed off as it used to be - torn open by sorrow, hurt, and loss, but being washed by tears and the kind of laughter that only comes when you've gone through the worst of it, and not around it, not over it, but straight through it, stuck to your decisions, your words, or taken the high road, the humble road and made amends.

next year...in "32", what will have changed?  What will have occurred?  I don't know...the older I get, the less I realize that I have to let life happen organically, not planned and executed according to my plan but according to my Creator's.

today, I am 31 years young and I know that the best is yet to come