Hallmark has nothing on me.

This is "The Scrapbook Room" - looks a little like the doorway to madness, huh? It's in a current state of disarray since it has become the spare bedroom, overflow wardrobe, library, makeup room, and general catch all.







Most people would go crazy with all the stimuli but I find peace in that room. While I was creating a new masterpiece, I realized that I was a scene in myself. Only a real artist could find solace and inspiration while dancing around barefoot in a hooded bathrobe, one earphone plugged into an ipod letting the tunes of Keith Urban, Billy Joel, Steven Tyler, Etta James, and Fergie fuel her inspiration.

I could just as easily go to Hallmark and pick out a singing card but this morning after work, I made something better. Something with my mark and a little piece of my spirit.

What's up?

Music makes me happy.

Always.

I have more to write about my love of music but it's the end of my 12 hour shift, 3:42am, and I'm listening to P!nk Live at Wambly Stadium. I have sung every song only slightly interrupted for a fire, a brandishing, and some drunk folk wandering around. I pause to think about this scene and realize that I have a great job. I need to stop complaining. I need to remember what I heard in briefing the other day. "Do your best work and be proud of it."

I had my early morning Cheerios, tomorrow is my Friday, its dress down day and Chadburger day, and more importantly it's the last workday before I go to Cancun. Sunday is superbowl Sunday, Monday is anything and nothing day, Tuesday I go see a lady about a bush, Wednesday I jam to cram all the stuff in the suitcase before I leave on a jet plane, and Thursday...well Thursday is the beginning of a long week with good friends and good times. Wake up in Cali, go to sleep in Mexico.

And I said Hey Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah...Hey, Yeah, Yeah. I said Hey, What's going on?

January 30, 2009

I don't necessarily believe in the power of the cosmos, but I do find my horoscope interesting from time to time.

Quickie:
Your creativity is stronger than most people's creativity, so take control today.

Overview:
Your network of friends and acquaintances is quite strong, of course and you should be able to get good information or more out of many of them today, especially those on the fringes.

:)

25 random, interesting, heartfelt, funny things about me

1. I have a birthmark on the back of my left leg. My mom has almost the exact same on in the same spot.

2. I have my dad's feet. Well…he has one now but I still have two and at least one of them still matches dead on. No pun intended.

3. I'm horrible with money and it causes me a TON of stress in my life. Like Jen, saving it is beyond my capabilities.

4. My favorite number is 17. I have a theory of why that is but I don't think I've ever told anyone. It's cheesey.

5. I can't decide if I regret starting my career as a dispatcher so early. The pluses and the minses are neck and neck right now.

6. I wish I went to a normal school/high school growing up. I missed out on a LOT.

7. I was raised in a cult (pre-VBC). No exaggeration…the environment that I grew up in as a child was criminal. I resent my parents for that part of my life. If they heard that, it would crush them. My mother has apologized for my childhood, but my father never has.

8. I never realized how much I want kids until I was on a date with a guy who looked at me over dinner and told me he would never bring children into this ugly world. That was my first sign he was all wrong for me.

9. I want to own a horse ranch with a lot of property. I'd adopt every stray animal and child that came across my path. I'd have a barn just to have barn parties. I think I might love to live in the south.

10. I wanted to be lawyer when I was a kid. I still want to do that sometimes but I don’t think I'll ever have enough patience to go to law school. I also wanted to be a nurse, a cop, a firefighter, a paramedic, and a teacher. Now I get to talk to all of them on a regular basis.

11. It is my goal to see as much of the world as I can. I love to travel just for travel's sake. Wanderlust runs through my veins. If I could have a career as a travel journalist, I would do that in a heartbeat.

12. I love that photography allows me to show the world my viewpoint. I look for beauty in hidden places and I love candid shots. Places and things are easier to photograph than people.

13. I wish I could have known my grandparents better. It has recently occurred to me that they were people too with stories that I wish I knew better. If I could go back in time and meet anyone, I would choose them. I knew my mom's mom the longest, her dad died when I was five. I have one or two memories of him. Until recently, I thought I was there in the house when the mortuary took his body away. I have this vivid memory of seeing him peaceful in his bed before they took him and watching then roll his body away in a black bag on a gurney covered in a white sheet. I think I may have imagined that scene when I was a kid and thought it was a real memory for 20+ years. It wasn't until about a year ago that my mom told me that I wasn't there at all. The images I have of what I thought was that day are so vivid. I never met my dad's dad, and the memories I have of my dad's mother make me sad. I think she had a hard, miserable life that lacked love and the good things that life had to offer. Everyone of my grandparent's immigrated from another country when they were children or young adults. None of them had riches and all of them struggled throughout their lives. Sometimes, I wish I could just tell them thank you.

14. I self medicate with material things. I'm not proud of it.

15. I can sing like Cher. It's hilarious and awful all at once. It's not a talent I worked hard to develop, it just happened one day.

16. I don't know how to not be single and I wonder if I even have the capability to learn anything else.

17. My worst habits are nailbiting, procrastination, and over-indulgence.

18. I am very giving. I wish I could say no more often.

19. If I could work for the United Nations, I would. I get frustrated with the people I have to talk to about petty complaints and their unrealistic "personal injustices". There is an entire world that is dying of starvation, disease, and civil war. I really don't give a s#!& about your exaggerated child custody issue, stolen purse you left in your unlocked car, or the fact that your neighbor parked within 6 inches of your driveway. I have begun to hate a certain part of society.

20. I want to be a runner. I can run a 10 minute mile about 2 minutes at a time. That's progress. I've been building up to that for quite sometime now. I've been really great about working out lately. I'm proud of myself for that.

21. I recently found a list of things that I wanted to get done in 2003. The top 3 hadn't changed at all - pay off all my credit cards, get my own place, lose 50 lbs. Those are still in my top 5 goals.

22. Until recently, I forgot how much I love to write. I realized the power of writing in 9th grade when I wrote a paper on why medical marijuana should be legalized. I went to a very strict Christian school and my paper went against the grain. My teacher who was opposed to the legalization, changed her mind after reading my paper. It was then that I realized how powerful words are.

23. I have 12 peircings, and 4 tattoos. I want more of both of them…in many, many places.

24. I was a waitress for 4 1/2 years. Only once did I intentionally mess with someone's food.

25. I once had a midget hit on me on the beach in Waikiki. My sister was there when it happened. I still don't think she has recovered from laughing. It is one of my best stories.

This is just the tip of the iceberg…

Lift

Definition: to hold up or display on high

I heard this in a movie tonight: Live for "those moments where you feel your life lift up and take off."

Sunflowers and sunshine

"Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadow. It's what sunflowers do." - Helen Keller




I'm growing sunflowers, or...I'm trying at least. During one of my after-workout dashes to clean house post new year, I stumbled across the minature sunflower garden that my oldest friend sent me for my birthday in June. It takes me about that long or longer to get around to things...procrastination is one of my biggest pitfalls.

Exactly 15 days ago, I planted them and made the plastic bag greenhouse just like the directions told me to. Today, I have little sprouts. Very rarely do I bring plant like things to life in my house. I'm much better and killing them by lack of watering.

As I sat on the couch admiring the little sprouts basking in the sunshine, I caught myself staring at how the sunshine was reflecting throughout different parts of the front room. This is what I saw hiding in plain view on the boxes strewn around in my living room.


Everyone has some little bit of flair to add to the world.


"Why be pretty...

...when you can be gorgeous."



True that.

Select all...delete.

Just a little hoorah for me. I am a sentimental packrat. I save everything. I have a inbox folder titled the "xbox". As in all the sentimental emails and writings from former significant and turned-out-not-to-be-so-significant others collected over the course of many, many years. I thought I had cleaned it out quite a while ago. Not so. Why relive the terror? Who wants this dribble hanging around polluting the future? Not I.

Select all, delete. Select all, delete. Lather, rinse, repeat. Like that.

Empty trash bin = Clean slate = Congrats.

Bling

Today was a girl's day. A day for shop-a-holics and mall warriors. I didn't do too much damage to the bank account but I did manage to buy a few things that aren't the everyday me. Some fluttery shirts and a trendy dress. I could use some girling up and a good, swift feminine kick in the tush occasionally. When I'm at work in my solid blue uniform, work boots, and hair pulled back, I don't feel pretty. Not that we have to feel pretty all the time but it's nice to feel feminine now and then.

I got some funky earrings and a new necklace. It's going to be one of my favorite pieces of bling. It's not too overdone, but it does carry a message that I am going to try and remember. Maybe it will do me some good to wear my little message so close to my heart...

My life in numbers

There are some numbers that will always stand out to me. They don't necessarily define who I am as a person, but no matter where I am, when I see these sequences of numbers, it reminds me of their importance in my life.




My house numbers. This is the house I've lived in for almost 27 years. My childhood home. My "first" house. My shelter, albeit, tumultuous at times.



My ID number. I'm not required to give much of my personal information at work, other than this number. I am operator 462, dispatcher 462, employee number 462. These three numbers are on all my employee documents and files. I am a number there. A number with a voice, but, nonetheless, a number.



What I am to the public. What pays my bills. What I'm trained to do. The sum of the requests and calls that come in to these three telephone numbers is, well, innumerable. Still if you had to choose a number, this is not a bad number to have to represent yourself to the public at large.



The first time I went to Hawaii, I was so enamored with the North Shore, I bought up all kinds of souveniers including this license plate. It was from this "art gallery" which was basically an run down old surfer pad/Marley shrine run by some local vagrants who sold odds and ends and knick-knacks for whatever they could convinve a buyer to pay for them. This place was a sight. There were chickens running around, an old VW bug made into a plater box, kids in tie-dye shirt playing soccer in the front yard, and some sort of archway mantle made out of surfboards that were spraypainted with Marley lyrics that graced you as you walked into the front yard. I recall that there was a sign somewhere that read pictures were welcome but they would cost the photographer for each shot. It was part of the "museum upkeep" plan. In lieu of paying for each of my shots, I went ahead bought 2 license plates that day. An old black bicycle plate and this one. I keep it up on the shelf next to some old shells, a few starfish, and the pictures I would come to take of the Lagoons at Ko'Olina over the next few years. It's gone from one "museum" to the next.

Other than being another Hawaiian chochki, there's no real significance to this plate outside of the numbers up in the right hand corner. This plate and I were born in the same year. '81. I always recognize the significance of those two numbers when I see them side by side. Good ol' 1981.

Overhaul

And then I look back at what I have to say and realize that I don't have a whole lot to say. Really. I'm not that hopeful, I don't have many, if any, answers to life's problems, it's probably not all that interesting. I haven't take a picture in almost a week. Hmm.....I think it's time for an overhaul. I still feel like I'm in limbo. Like I'm waiting for life to begin. I'm feeling unchallenged and pretty dumb lately. Really...like I haven't put my brain to work in many, many years. Not a class, a paper, and essay, a creative writing deadline, scrapbook with profound meaning. None of the above. I couldn't think of how to spell paid as in "paid attention" without checking the spelling online. Not even in a dictionary. Who reads actual books these days? That's sad...I want to get lost in a book. I want to wander down a path I've never been on before. I want to listen to someone with an intersting life story tell me one of theirs.

I need a life overhaul. I need to get some priorites straight. I need to do something that challenges me and makes me happy. I need to slough off all the labels. Those are the things I need...not the physical posessions.

I should smile more and do things that make me happy. I should set resonable goals. I should go back to church. I should say no more often. I should publish some of my pictures for the world to see. They only produce so much inspiration on the walls in my house.

Yes, I should...

A cartoon epiphany

Somewhere between trying to get something in my stomach before I went into a diabetic coma, find my uniform shirt, and blow dry my hair in the 15 spare minutes before I had to be at work; I had an epiphany. Don't know where it came from or why I thought of it, but I started humming a line from The Little Mermaid (my favorite childhood movie!!!):

"I've got gadgets and gizmos a-plenty
I've got who's-its and what's-its galore
You want thing-a-mabobs?
I've got twenty
But who cares? No big deal. I want more"

Somewhere around the fourth line, I realized that little diddy sums up the last few years of my life. No matter what I had, no matter how much, how new or excessive, I wanted more; and now the things that I want today, are hampered by the fact that I'm still paying for the stuff I got back then. What a vicious cycle. I know I'm getting old cause I hear myself saying things like "I wish I would have saved more money - anticipated a rainy day - been more responsible - paid attention to all those looks and comments about how much money I was spending." If...I would have learned The Little Mermaid lesson a few years ago...if only.

Lazy is a 4-letter word

I slept all day. Not an exaggeration. It's 6:30 in the pm and I just really woke up. I stumbled out of bed earlier long enough to eat some oatmeal, but that might as well have been laced with roofies cause I was out again within minutes. I managed to read the news online - sidenote: impressed with Obama's first day, wikipediaed some stuff about endangered and extinct animals, and then...yeah, off to bed again. Woke up, returned a phone call, got pissed off at some dumbasses that I work with, and went back to bed. I didn't even get phased when I knocked a bunch of shit off the bed.

I'm not sick, I didn't stay up late, I don't have a sleeping disorder, I can't claim narcolepsy...I was just lazy. I hate lazy days like this. I had things to do. Most of January 21st has already come and gone and I'm still in my flanel zebra pjs. Uuuggghhh...

A challenge

I have a love obession with picture frames. There are probably at least 50 picture frames in the living room, hallway, bedrooms, and the bathroom and another 100 in a closet waiting for inspiration. I recently put up some sleek, black frames on my bedroom wall - aboout 8 total and only had 2 pictures in them. Funny...I can't stand empty picture frames, but I couldn't let these just sit in the closet anymore. Seize the day, huh? Sure enough...I've filled up 2 in this last week and not only envisioned what I wanted in the main frame, I went out and found the perfect shot for it. I love when plans like that work out.

The empty frames are a challenge and they ain't got nothing on me.

Seek

 

In every walk with nature one receives far more than he seeks. ~John Muir

I woke up, I put on my shoes, and I went out hiking. I got those shots back that I missed the other day. The sunshine and the sights made for a good day. Beauty was around every turn. What else can I say? The pictures speak for themselves.

At 10:36 am...

I've been up for 31 minutes. I hate waking up when I'm this tired; 6 am is no time to be going to sleep. I really don't want to go to the gym, but I'm down 8 lbs and counting. It's too sunny and nice outside to be sleeping my morning away. What was that resolution again? Go to bed earlier, wake up earlier, seize the day...

*yawn*

I supposed I could kill two birds with one stone. I could go back to bed laying in the sun like Emma. :)

*yawn*

Learn something new every day

I am trying to learn something new everyday. Wikipedia is making that easier for me than ever before. The blessing in losing the remote and having the cable cord come undone is that I have been forced to read more and if I watch something, its either a DVD or some sort of instant replay on Netflix. They have a pretty decent selection of documentaries.

The first thing I learned for the day was that there are some beautiful pictures to be had in the hills at Lagoon Valley park. Today was an absolutley beautiful sunny, clear day. I was sans camera again, against my better judgement, and kicked myself the entire time for not being able to capture some of the pictures that I kept finding around every corner. Next time. Really, I'll make a trip just to take pictures next time. I have more animated replays of my hike up steep hills for the first time since my youth, but I'm not feeling like an animator just right now.

Between about 10+ miles of walking/running/hiking in the last 3 days and 1 full day of intense house cleaning, my body is in a revolt against any further movement. So, I spent the earlier part of my evening watching documentaries and stretching my tired muscles.

The first film was War Dance about a group of refugee school children in Northern Uganda who compete in the nation's song and dance competition for 2005. Really, it's a dual story about the power of music and dance even in the face of a culture crippling war. The people Northern Uganda have been long terrorized by Lord's Resistanace Army. This is the same military group that has been accused of the massacres in the Congo. Uganda has been in a civil war for 20 years. 20 years. That's more than entire lifetime for a child. One of the opening lines was "I've heard the sound of gunfire since the day I was born." It only furthers my realization of what tiny little specks we are in this big, big world. It's mind baffling to think of how many people live on this planet. It's even more mind blowing to look at the conditions that people are forced to live in. Children especially. I started having some thoughts about the things that I complain about. My fridge being too big for the kitchen. How about having food on a regular basis? Or not knowing where to put all the extra sheets that were in the closet that I just cleaned out. How about having a bed to sleep in or a house that you're not forced to move from for fear of abduction or being slaughtered by a guerilla army? I can't even begin to imagine that kind of fear. I find it hard to swollow my ingnorance to the harsh reality of the world that my generation lives in. I find it even harder to face the life of excess and gluttony that I've lived in for the last few years.

The other documentary I watched was A Certian Kind of Death. The long and short of it was a story following the lives of three people who died and had no friends or family to claim their estate, oversee their burial wishes, or mourn their loss. It was clinical and stoic but it was not without a human touch. I had to ponder what it must be like to die alone. Then, I couldn't help but wonder what it must be like to live alone. Really alone. Not just estranged from your family or selectively private, but just purely without a soul who cared for you in the world. The most thought-provoking scene was watching the door to the crematorium slide up and the grey shadow of an ashy skull peek through before being shoveled into dust. Really truly, we are ashes to ashes, dust to dust. It made me think about mortality. 60, 70, 80 years...that's nothing. A drop in the bucket. What am I doing to make my life extraordinary? What am I doing to live life abundantly?

If education is power, then I can only hope to do something meaningful with my new bits of knowledge about life in general. I'm trying to be more of a humanitarian in my thinking. I think this is part of my dissatisfaction with my job. It is rare that I feel that I truly did something meaningful and life-changing. I understand the concept and purpose of my job is to serve and protect, but I feel like it's been lost in all the red tape and bereaucracy of small town government. I've always known that this wasn't the job I was going to retire in. I don't know what that job will be some day, but I do know that destiny and I have yet to meet. I can feel it. I was meant to do something entirely different.

I've caught myself making the same statement over the last few months. "I forget that I did that. I totally forgot about that... It seems like I've lived a few different lifetimes already." I think more than lifetimes, what I think I'm seeing come to light is the real, defined chapters in my life so far. Even at my young age of twenty-seven. But then again that's for another blog...

Like a diamond in the rough.

Woke up at 10:30, decided to hit snooze for like 5 minutes. Just 5 minutes.
Woke up again at 12:30. So much for 5 minutes.
Realized that I was too late to meet Carrie in the city for crepes. I love crepes.
Ate Chinese chicken salad for breakfast instead.
Replied to a couple of texts. Casey got a drunk tattoo last night in Reno. Good for her. That's something I would do.
Watched the rest of Fred Claus.
Decided that I really do love Vince Vaughn but couldn't ever see myself kissing him.
Fell back asleep watching the outtakes from Fred Clause. Ludacris is great as an elf.
3:15 pm. Found my alarm clock AKA my cell phone under the bed, used a hanger to slide it and a hairball out.
Made a mental note that there's not enough room under the bed to hide if a rapist ever breaks in.
Peeked at the blue sky thru the opening in the curtains. California winter.
Got back in bed. Couldn't sleep cause it was too quiet.
Decided that maybe depression was taking ahold of me and figured I had better get up and do something.
Got online. Nothing new. Sent Jen a text. No reply.
3:50 remembered how much I really loved crepes. Remebered the first crepe I ever had outside of the Musee de Orsay in Paris. That was a good crepe. Nutela and banana. Damn, that was a good crepe.
I should have gone to the city. I need to take more pictures.
4:15 Decided to walk the dog.
Walked 2.68 miles to Jen's house on a whim.
Thought a LOT about work on my walk over. Not happy.
Chased the dog down after she got out of her collar while waiting for Jen to change and walk back with me.
Walked 2.68 miles back home. Back's gonna hurt tomorrow. Jen's gonna hurt tomorrow.
Saw an amazing moon rising while driving Jen back home. Didn't have the camera with me. My bad.
Washed all the dishes.
Thought what now?
Looked at the laundry mountain in the living room. I hate laundry.
Made a protein shake and went back online.
Put on a Kid Rock CD in the front room.
Reorganized half of the hallway closet.
Pulled out a box of wedding photos for a scrapbook that I haven't finished. I gotta start scrapbooking. Maybe that's what's wrong with me. No creative outlet.
Got distracted by tattoo ideas.
Looked up the symbolism of peacocks. It's pretty good all around.
Decided that I want a peacock feather in the tat somewhere, a heart with wings, a lot of swirls, a couple of big flowers, and some other stuff.
Racked my brain on how to pull that all off and make it look good.
Cleared the table and tried drawing the tattoo on a big peice of butcher paper.
Remembered that I can't draw to save my life. Gave up.
Made rosemary garlic potatos. I gotta go grocery shopping.
Decided to tackle the mountain.
Put in a Shakira CD. Forgot what a good CD it is.
Belted some tunes and practiced my booty shake dance in the living room while folding towels.
Almost decided to take the Spanish class with Casey after hearing the Spanish version of "Whenever, Wherever." Yeah...still don't have time for a class right now.
I really want to learn how to tango. Thought about my uncle and cousin doing the tango at a wedding in the summer. That was a great wedding. I got that moment captured on film. Glad I had my camera then.
I gotta start putting that family movie together.
Thought I gotta add track 6 of this CD to my running playlist.
Thought about these other things while folding laundry that was 4 feet deep: need to tan before Mexico, need a wax before Mexico, wanna do the pole dancing class in Cancun, I'm out of oatmeal, gotta shower, hate dog hair, need to make more money, I miss my blonde streak, want a body like Shakira, I gotta find a bird that I like to make the background of my tattoo. Damn, I have a lot of clothes.
Thought seriously about entering the MySpace Karaoke contest.
Laughed at the leaning tower of hoodies. Ridiculous.
Decided that if I was ever held captive by a Shakira loving third world country and had to Karaoke a Shakira song to save my life I could totally do it. Practiced for that.
Really, really decided that dog hair is on my top 10 thing of things I hate.
Wondered why do I buy things that don't fit me?

Thinking, folding, dancing, singing.
Then...I saw it.
The bird I was trying to envision was on the back of a shirt that I got a few years ago.
The shirt was at the bottom of the 4 feet, inside out, scrunced into a ball.
There it was.
The shape of the bird that I could see in my head but couldn't draw out on paper.
It was like a diamond in the rough.
Well, actually it was a bird in a pile.
A beautiful outline of a bird figure that will someday be transferred intoa beautiful outline of a rather large back piece.
I decided that I'm really itching for some new ink.

It's been a good lazy day minus the 5.36 miles.
There's some potatos and a family slide show calling my name.
I still get confused about how to spell potato. E? No E? Damn you Dan Quayle!

A bright white circle

This is the moon from tonight. It was supposed to be 14% brighter tonight than...ever? I don't know. I just took the time to go out and look at it while I was on break. I could see all its detail through the telephoto lens, but all I got in the picture was a bright white circle. I guess that's really what it is...a bright white circle.

I hate my job.

There's no other way around it. I hate my job. I don't have anything witty, sarcastic, or enlightening to say. I don't have a quote or a lyric or anything to put a temporary bandaid on this. I hate my job. I never thought I would say that, but I despise being here. I hate a good majority of the people that I have to talk to. I think that my administration has no backbone. If I could afford to quit, I would. I hate my job.

The Gospel of P!nk

I feel like I'm suffocating. It started just about when I came back from the gym at 11 and the countdown began for when I had to be back at work at 4. I didn't fold the laundry, I didn't prep dinner, I didn't walk the dog, I didn't take a quick nap and then go back to the gym. I made a sandwich and I watched P!nk Live in Concert.

I love quotes because they manage to sum it all up in one sentence; sometimes one word. Lyrics are simply quotes set to a beat.

"If God is a DJ
Life is a dance floor
Love is the rhythm
You are the music...
You get what you're given
It's all how you use it" ~ God is a DJ

P!nk has song after song and album after album of lyrics that speak to me. I think she's a bad ass...but she's very feminine too. She's pierced and tattooed and just herself. She's soul and rock at the same time. She's not a cookie cutter artist and this is not a cookie cutter world. I hear her when she sings. I don't just get lost in the beat...I listen to the lyrics.


"...everyday I fight a war against the mirror, I can't take the person starin' back at me, I'm a hazard to myself...don't let me get me, I'm my own worst enemy, it's bad when you annoy yourself..." ~ Don't Let Me Get Me
When it comes to things like my health, my finances, my spending habits, and my non-chalance about a few other seemingly important things in life, I am my own worst enemy. I wouldn't say that I have low self esteem or self confidence, but we are all our own worst enemy from time to time.

"...It's every man for himself, there are no teammates...
this life gets lonely when everybody wants something...
Surrounded by famliar faces without names,
None of them know me or want to share my pain..." ~ Eventually

Work is depressing. Work is sometimes the loudest place ever, but even moreso, sometimes the silence is defening. The petty demands and the nasty nature of human being is even more depressing when you take into account the real tragedies in this world. It's all I can do to not put my hands through the phone and shake some people back into reality. No unlike many corporations, organizations, and governments, I am supervised by people who don't know how to do my job day in day out but they are left with making the crucial decisions that effect all my actions.

"I drank your poison cuz you told me its wine
Shame on you if you fool once
Shame on me if you fool me twice
I didn't know the price
You'll get yours eventually

So what good am I to you if I can't be broken?" ~ Eventually

For many, many years, I believed that there was more honor in this profession than there is. I did things for "the department" and actually believed that that was an honorable cause. I was a kid who didn't know any better and I always wondered how those crusty old, cynical retirees got the way they were. I get it now. I'm a number in a roster of employees and a pricetag for a city that is always updating it's budget with a finetooth comb. It is an unfortunate reality that this line of work demands the best candidates, the youngest, freshest, sharpest minds, because of the inevitable. Formidable minds will be able to withstand the stress and the demands from all fronts. We can train to handle the external forces well, but the lack of support from the person you call boss and the teammate sitting next to you are the things that will eventually break you. It's like a trapeeze act without a safety net.


"Nobody knows
Nobody knows but me
That I sometimes cry
If I could pretend that I'm asleep
When my tears start to fall
I peek out from behind these walls
I think nobody knows
Nobody knows no" ~ Nobody Knows
Sometimes the cracks in the armor are too big to hide. Sometimes the bandaids aren't big enough to patch up the holes. Even with the cracks, no one ever really let's it all shine through. There are things that I would like to say here that I will never post. Somethings are better left unsaid.

"I was fine before you walked into my life..." ~ U+Ur Hand
Self Explanitory. Not the first time I've said, won't be the last.

"...But it's alright
I don't give a damn
I don't play your rules I make my own
Tonight
I'll do what I want
Cuz I can..." ~ Cuz I Can
And then there's lines like this, when you just want to give life the middle finger.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm waiting for life to being. Like it's a rollercoaster I'm waiting in line for. Problem is, while I'm waiting in line, it's passing me by and I don't even know it. Do you ever feel like that? Then there are the days when I look through the snapshots off all the things that I've accomplished and it seems like I've lived a couple of different lives. Hmmm.....

A collection of quotes

I was cleaning out my drafts in my email and found these. I must have deposited them there sometime in the last couple of years. Who knows what state of mind I was in when I looked them all up but I think they shouldn't be buried in some draft file for no one to see.

There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.
Friedrich Nietzsche (1844 - 1900)

Just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to be involved with them. Love is not a bandage to cover wounds.
Hugh Elliott, Standing Room Only weblog, February 16, 2004

Passion makes the world go round. Love just makes it a safer place.
Ice T, The Ice Opinion

To be brave is to love someone unconditionally, without expecting anything in return. To just give. That takes courage, because we don't want to fall on our faces or leave ourselves open to hurt.
Madonna (1958 - ), O Magazine, January 2004

Love is the big booming beat which covers up the noise of hate.
Margaret Cho, weblog, 01-15-04

Love isn't a decision. It's a feeling. If we could decide who we loved, it would be much simpler, but much less magical.
Trey Parker and Matt Stone, South Park, Chef Aid, 1998

Any piece of clothing can be sexy with a quietly passionate woman inside it.
Anonymous, O Magazine, The Shy Girl's Guide to Sex, February 2003


But seduction isn’t making someone do what they don’t want to do. Seduction is enticing someone into doing what they secretly want to do already.
Waiter Rant, Waiter Rant weblog, 11-29-05

Are you the Cheese Lady?

In my first hour of my first day on my new shift after the first shift change of the year, some guy who was angry that he couldn't get hold of the library asked me, "Are you the Cheese Lady?"

"No. I am not the cheese lady."

This shift is off to a good start already.

You only have 2 chances. Shot thru the heart. Moo. A-borat.

Update to the night:
"Ma'am, can you ask him if he feels faint?"
"Dale, have you fainted today?...(pause)...He says he's unconcious now. You need to send someone out here."
"Yes Ma'am, we're on the way."

Easier said that done.

I got invovled in a project tonight. Importing ALL of my music onto itunes and a good majority to my ipod. I knew I had a lot of music, but this is just ridiculous.

I'm starting to see the trend. Laundry, cd's, scrapbooking supplies...what the? I think I have an overcompulsive disorder. Ya think!?

This is just 1/5 of the music I own. I've been downloading CDs for 2 hours and I barely made a dent in the memory. ipod says I can fit 30,000 songs on it. Let's see if I can prove them right.

www.makeupgeek.com

I think I'm a tomboy. Many of my friends would beg to differ. I'm not always a tomboy...I own a lot of FM shoes and a crate full of makeup, not to mention the hair extensions and a lot of dresses. But if you would ask me, I'd say I was a tomboy. I'd rather wear jeans and a hoodie, no makeup, glasses instead of contacts, and if I can get away with putting on a hat and avoiding having to deal with my hair, I'm a happy girl.

But then there's another side of me...the MakeupGeek. You see a true makeupgeek has some makeup powers that can overcome all the bland days and au naturale looks. Sometimes, even tom boys want to look glam. Even if it is just to do laundry for hours on end. *bat, bat, wink, wink*

This is just an excuse to put up today's picture of the day...what are we at? 4 for 5...not bad, not bad. *bat, bat, wink, wink*

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. ~Mark Twain

I love clothes. I hate laundry. I always have laundry to do. It's not just a lame date excuse or a reason to get my mother off the phone. I have uniforms, athletic clothes, formal wear, casual summer dresses, riding gear, tactical gear, soccer shorts, lingerie, a collection of sarongs from Oahu, and I gather that I've purchased somewhere around 17 hoodies in the just the last year alone. I love hoodies. I have a collection of fire department t-shirts from everywhere I travel. Concert t-shirts have their own drawer. Let's not talk about the Halloween costumes and collection of Disneyland charater hats. If I laid out the scarves and hats from one end to the other, I could follow it like the yellow brick road. There are sheets in rubbermaid boxes under my bed and a armior in the side room that has bridesmaids dresses in it. Then there are the shoes...I usually only wear work boots, flip flops and sneakers on a regular basis, but that doesn't stop me from collecting high heels with a passion. What the? And then there are the towels and the sheets...it's a kingdom of laundry. It's on the to-do list 24/7/365. It never ends...where do I begin? I'm setting a goal. I'm going to have a day sometime in this year where there's no outstanding laundry, no overflowing baskets, no piles of socks or large mounds of towels. Me and that little Downey bear are gonna be BFFs! Tide is going to be my middle name!!! It will be Lolo = 1, laundry = 0!

I hate forced heating.

I hate it with a passion like I don't hate much else. Hate is a strong word that gets over used all day and night, but I have thought out my emotion for this dilemma and hate seems appropriate. Put on a sweater. Wrap yourself in a down comforter. It's 2009, you can afford one, trust me, they're not just for Martha Stewart these days. As for the heater, it was so hot in here about 5 minutes ago, I think that my fight or flight instict kicked in to wake me up before I perished in the night.

When I bought my parents' house a few years ago, one of the first things that I did was put in a new HVAC. I bought it more for the AC than the HV. Being an old house, there was no heating or air in about half of it. The ducting into the bedrooms and the back of the house is right under the heater, so the air, cold or hot, blows like a fog horn on a foggy coastal night; like the Santa Anas blow every fall after the state declared the end of the fire season; it blows like Satchmo in a Big Easy parade. A surefire way to get me to act like a dragon with a hemhorroid is to turn up the heat and cook me alive. My nose dries out, my skin gets flushed, my scalp sweats, my throat gets dry, dehydration begins to set in, migraines form...you get the picture. I am not a hypochondriac, but getting overheated literally makes me feel sick and turns me into a crazy person. It has the hulk effect on me. I want to smash holes in walls and run down the street picking up taxis to hurl them at oncoming traffic kind of grumpy.

It's enough to get me out of bed at 6:30 to write about how much I hate forced heat. I'll take a hot summer night or a heat wave in stride. I'll strip off another layer, drink another cold beer, run through the sprinklers like I'm 8 years old again, I'd even drink out of a hose in a wife beater and daisy dukes before I let you sweat me out of my house in winter. Even worse...if we happen to work together and you decide to turn the air up in the shared room to a constant 74 degrees, I will walk out. I will take my headset off and go buy supplies to make a "Hell no, forced heat blows!" picket sign and I will temporarily quit. I will file a greivance. I will pull the fire alarm.

I got a friend of mine a magnet for her locker at work that reads, "I'm not having hot flashes. My inner child is just playing with matches." Well, I might only be 27, but if you turn the heat up on me one more time, my inner child might burn this mother down! Put on another sweater. Make yourself a cocoa. Wrap a scarf around your neck. Wear your Christmas socks in layers on your cold feet if you have to. Only then will we discuss turning the heater back up.

Just remember...dragon with a hemorrhoid. You're heating problem is about to be solved, cause I will spit fire at you til your toe hairs singe off.

I think that's my rant for the night...I'm gonna go try and find some nose balm for my desert plains of a nasal cavity and see about getting back to bed.

Remember...dragon. Hemorrhoid.

Who sneaks oatmeal into a movie?

I do. That's right. I snuck oatmeal, a banana, and apple slices into Marley and Me. My organic-loving, shake the dirt off and eat it from the ground, bark-eating friend Leslie would be so proud. Somewhere between 8pm and the end of the night, I was bound and determined to go to the gym and go to a movie. It was the last showing of Marley and Me and by the time I hit the stop button on the treadmill and stretched out, I had exactly 15 minutes to get home, take a shower, and get something to eat before I was so late the previews had ended. I had just knocked out 2.25 miles the gym at work and was drenced in sweat. I was starving...a late lunch doesn't do much for you 6 hours later when gatorade stops phasing the hunger pains. So, I heated up the oatmeal while I showered, threw on a hat and a hoodie, and tore off like I was on fire. It's things like this that reinforce that I might actually succeed at this working out thing. I was going to be damned to work that hard just to snarf down some popcorn and a day old pretzel with rock salt stuck to it. "That's not methamphetaine officer, it's rock salt!" I digress...

Besides steel cut oats and tear-jerking movies, I managed to snap picture #2 for day #2 in my 2009 in pictures gallery. I took a few actually; I couldn't resist. The landscape was beautiful all the way from Santa Rosa until just about Fairfield and then looming in the distance, you could see the dark clouds hanging over the Vaca hills like a scene out of Lord of the Rings. You know what I'm talking about...that part where the evil army is awakened from the muck and mire of MiddleEarth where clouds swallow the sun every day for breakfast. That's what we were driving towards.

But, before we got there; in transit, the weather was beautiful. Clear, sunny, crisp and I had my camera close. I drive back and forth to Santa Rosa at least a half a dozen times a year and I always pass a few sight that I swear I am going to photograph one of these days. I've been telling myself that for years. Today, I did it. There's this old rusted train that sits just off the side of the road somewhere in Napa County along Highway 12. I like old, rusty things. You just can't fake the colors that are brought out by years of rain and sun fading. The other scene that I pulled off to the side of the road was an American flag. It's a big flag and it's always there. It's set back in a clearing in between vineyards along Highway 116. I see it all the time and always appreciate it, but never really look at it. There's always so much else to be distracted by. The clydesdales across the road, the changing colors of the grapevines, the traffic whizzing by at 65 miles an hour on a two lane highway. With my rather large zoom lens and my trusty lookout Jen, I jumped out and snapped a few good pictures.



Today was a good day.

'Cause big girls don't cry. They sweat and take pictures.

January 1st, 2009 ~ Mystic Theatre and Saloon, Downtown Petaluma, CA

I did it! I went to the gym on January 1st. :) Ok, ok...so a lot of people do that to kick off their resolutions. The ones that aren't hungover at least. I killed 3 miles and sweat thru a shirt. People who say that women don't "sweat" they "perspire" and "glow" is full of s#!%! :) I'm telling you...I kicked 3 miles ass! Seriously, though, I got through it because music fuels my mileage. If I can get past the first 20 minutes, I'm in it for the long haul. I have a particular treadmill that I like to use...the one right in the front row, at the very end; the one that stares out into the intersection of Elmira@Peabody. I count emergency vehicles as they drive thru the intersection and figure out if I know who's driving. It keeps me entertained. I do a lot of thinking too. A lot. I think about what I want to accomplish with all this working out. I think about all those pictures of myself that I hate to look at and all the clothes in my closet that I bought for "when I loose 10 lbs." I think about all the things I want to accomplish in general, and everyonce in a while a lyric from a song will float through my earphones and reinforce some motivation in me. Usually it comes right when I need it. When I'm about to give up and slow down. When I'm telling myself that 2 miles is just as good as 3 miles.

"...I hope you know, I hope you know, that this has nothing to do with you, it's personal, myself and I...it's time to be a big girl, and big girls don't cry..." Fergie

and another personal favorite that keeps me going:

"It's my life It's now or never I ain't gonna live forever I just want to live while I'm alive..." Bon Jovi

As for fueling my goals, as I ran 5.8 miles an hour in 3 minute intervals of sweating and lung busting breaths, myself and I decided that I am going to try and take a picture a day and post it, blog it, share it. It can be something beautiful, ironic, thought provoking, funny; as long as it captures a part of the world around me. One of the things that I've decided to do with regularity is keep my camera closer by my side. Now I know that I probably will miss some days here and there, but I'm going to make an effort to get it done.

So, 2009, here's to kicking some mileage's ass and snapping some great shots. Images to come...keep posted all my (well the 4 of you who rock) followers.