Friday, January 9, 2009

The Gospel of P!nk

I feel like I'm suffocating. It started just about when I came back from the gym at 11 and the countdown began for when I had to be back at work at 4. I didn't fold the laundry, I didn't prep dinner, I didn't walk the dog, I didn't take a quick nap and then go back to the gym. I made a sandwich and I watched P!nk Live in Concert.

I love quotes because they manage to sum it all up in one sentence; sometimes one word. Lyrics are simply quotes set to a beat.

"If God is a DJ
Life is a dance floor
Love is the rhythm
You are the music...
You get what you're given
It's all how you use it" ~ God is a DJ

P!nk has song after song and album after album of lyrics that speak to me. I think she's a bad ass...but she's very feminine too. She's pierced and tattooed and just herself. She's soul and rock at the same time. She's not a cookie cutter artist and this is not a cookie cutter world. I hear her when she sings. I don't just get lost in the beat...I listen to the lyrics.

"...everyday I fight a war against the mirror, I can't take the person starin' back at me, I'm a hazard to myself...don't let me get me, I'm my own worst enemy, it's bad when you annoy yourself..." ~ Don't Let Me Get Me
When it comes to things like my health, my finances, my spending habits, and my non-chalance about a few other seemingly important things in life, I am my own worst enemy. I wouldn't say that I have low self esteem or self confidence, but we are all our own worst enemy from time to time.

"...It's every man for himself, there are no teammates...
this life gets lonely when everybody wants something...
Surrounded by famliar faces without names,
None of them know me or want to share my pain..." ~ Eventually

Work is depressing. Work is sometimes the loudest place ever, but even moreso, sometimes the silence is defening. The petty demands and the nasty nature of human being is even more depressing when you take into account the real tragedies in this world. It's all I can do to not put my hands through the phone and shake some people back into reality. No unlike many corporations, organizations, and governments, I am supervised by people who don't know how to do my job day in day out but they are left with making the crucial decisions that effect all my actions.

"I drank your poison cuz you told me its wine
Shame on you if you fool once
Shame on me if you fool me twice
I didn't know the price
You'll get yours eventually

So what good am I to you if I can't be broken?" ~ Eventually

For many, many years, I believed that there was more honor in this profession than there is. I did things for "the department" and actually believed that that was an honorable cause. I was a kid who didn't know any better and I always wondered how those crusty old, cynical retirees got the way they were. I get it now. I'm a number in a roster of employees and a pricetag for a city that is always updating it's budget with a finetooth comb. It is an unfortunate reality that this line of work demands the best candidates, the youngest, freshest, sharpest minds, because of the inevitable. Formidable minds will be able to withstand the stress and the demands from all fronts. We can train to handle the external forces well, but the lack of support from the person you call boss and the teammate sitting next to you are the things that will eventually break you. It's like a trapeeze act without a safety net.

"Nobody knows
Nobody knows but me
That I sometimes cry
If I could pretend that I'm asleep
When my tears start to fall
I peek out from behind these walls
I think nobody knows
Nobody knows no" ~ Nobody Knows
Sometimes the cracks in the armor are too big to hide. Sometimes the bandaids aren't big enough to patch up the holes. Even with the cracks, no one ever really let's it all shine through. There are things that I would like to say here that I will never post. Somethings are better left unsaid.

"I was fine before you walked into my life..." ~ U+Ur Hand
Self Explanitory. Not the first time I've said, won't be the last.

"...But it's alright
I don't give a damn
I don't play your rules I make my own
I'll do what I want
Cuz I can..." ~ Cuz I Can
And then there's lines like this, when you just want to give life the middle finger.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm waiting for life to being. Like it's a rollercoaster I'm waiting in line for. Problem is, while I'm waiting in line, it's passing me by and I don't even know it. Do you ever feel like that? Then there are the days when I look through the snapshots off all the things that I've accomplished and it seems like I've lived a couple of different lives. Hmmm.....

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